Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Where The Tights of Hell Foiled My Plan For Joy.

I had every intention of writing a post about how much I enjoyed the school break *ducks as mothers everywhere aim for my head with Legos and misplaced shoes*. But I really did. Thing 2 had cut FOUR teeth just before Christmas, so his mood was decidedly happier than it had been as of late and Thing 1 was just being downright sweet. We were all embracing the new rule of You Must Stay in Your PJ's Until 10 am! I enjoyed the lack of schedules and rushing and public germs. My favorite part was that Thing 1 was suddenly playing nicely with his baby brother. *exhale*

We all showered very little, rarely left the yard and loved every minute of it. I also recently cleaned my house which always makes me feel like I'm winning at life!

So this is what I was going to gush at all of you, surely annoying you and losing followers (kind of like the time I posted the YouTube video of me singing). But because I had spent the majority of this Christmas vacation in pajama pants, I prepared myself for the re-entry into society this morning by attempting to pull together a cute outfit that would be highlighted by these grey tights and my slammin' brown boots. The only thing that I pulled was my hamstring, which merely highlighted the fact that I am insanely bitchy when things bind my crotch.

Let me take this opportunity to tell you that just because something LOOKS GOOD, does not mean that it is GOOD FOR YOU.

Case in Point.

 So on went the tights and on came all of the rage and irritation of my 'normal' charming self.

You see, I was thinking this:
Tights=Cute and Trendy

When the reality of tights is this:
Tights=Satan Laughing.

Just so you are not confused, this is not me.
Although I do spend a lot of time posing like
this in heels and a turtleneck.

They went on the first leg fine.
Sort of, if you like the feeling of all your toes being bound like the foot of a Geisha Girl with size nine hooves.
Then I attempted to put the second leg in and everything went to hell in a hand basket. They started twisting/cutting of circulation somewhere around my knee/lower thigh area, then by the time I was at mid thigh it was like someone had applied a tourniquet. I don't even want to tell you what happened when I pulled them all the way up, all I will say is that I never knew that my skin could make those shapes. Each leg looked something a fat woman riding a rusty bicycle who got trapped in a fishing net.

I wore them around the house for about ten minutes, mistakenly thinking that they would steretch, and the fiery rage was building. It didn't help that my diet had recenly consisted of half a pan of brownies and my husband had slopped the kids some oatmeal then left the house, so the children naturally had decorated themselves in that glue-like oatmeal paste and were running through my home "painting" everything they touched. Black Dog was busy licking the table while Smelly Cat was sitting on the kitchen counter howling at me for food and I heard a car horn blast and peeked out the window to see Red Dog running from the street wearing a very guilty expression. Then I received a political call (JOY!). To top it off, Thing 1 was in the bathroom doing his "necessary" body flopping that he performs while brushing his teeth (or washing his hands or eating or reading.....), he fell of his stool and landing squarely on my tight-clad bare toes. He was wearing cowboy boots. Thing 2 stood by screeching in his best high pitch squeal and attempting to brush the cat with his toothbrush. By the time that the 10 minutes was up I was ready to send both children away to boarding school and move into a van down by the river.

Instead, I took a deep breath, made a voodoo doll of the bitch who knitted the tights and slammed 48 pins into her thighs and stomped to my room were I removed the tights more quickly than a boy crazy Catholic School Girl in the presence of Zach Effron. I found a little piece of heaven in my favorite roomy Target jeggings and my Emu boots. Fuck fashion anyway. I like hoodies and slippers. And Coffee.

That's more like it.

So let me helpfully offer a parenting tip to you parents of little girls (who you dress in cute dresses and tights): If they are acting like monsters, blame it on the tights, because tights are knitted in hell by female hating,candy cane legged, fleshless people. Throw those tights away and buy them yoga pants. Tree pose. Problem solved. Namaste motherfuckers.


  1. Hahahahaha. This is karma making you her bitch. You enjoyed having time at home with your kids? Toothbrush dog brushing, oatmeal painting, shreeking, howling, cowboy boot smashing toes. BAM. Karma. You are ready to look trendy and cute after weeks of lounging and sweatpanting? Circulation cutting off tights from hell! BAM. Karma.

    You silly, silly girl. Don't you know that we are not allowed to be trendy anymore? We are old and tired mommies. Just go with it. Get out the PJs and lounge like a rockstar. *throws devil fingers*

    Oh, and I missed you. :p

  2. wow, I too have been known to strick similar poses around the house while wearing only tights, heels and a turtle neck. Normally only on nights The Boy is out of the house HA HA. Maybe you just accidently grabbed the wrong size tights, my girlfriend did that. It was hysterical watching her try and put them on. She still isn't speaking to me after that day 20 years ago...anyway, I like the final end result, it looks way more comfortable and yet still surprisingly stylish. Good funny post! I needed a laugh.

  3. Having thighs so large they could nourish 5 aeroplanes full of Uruguayan Rugby players crashed in the Andes means that I don't do tights. Ever. I hate wearing clothes. Specifically ones that make me feel like I've jammed my legs in a pair of 5 years olds pants & look like a 2 bags full of strangled pork sausages.

    It warms my black heart to know my slimmer sisters struggle as well.

  4. Hahha...I wore pantyhose today. No fun at all.

  5. Why is it that irrational anger at seemingly innocent inanimate objects is SUCH entertaining blog fodder?

    The world will never know.

    Thanks for getting coffee all over the front of my clean pajama top. Now I might have to wear an actual shirt.

  6. you know those shrinking in boiling water easter egg things? I always sort of wished i could put things on like that, put loose clothes on, get in a hot shower, and come out with them fitting snugly the way tights should.

  7. My big honking feet take up so much of the tights that they never go up all the way in the crotchal region. And as my thighs are best friends and refuse not to touch, the inevitable "rubbed raw by a seam" occurs. "Ma'am, I think you started your period. There's blood running down your leg." "Oh, thanks for pointing that out, really, it's just my tights trying to murder me while I walk. No big deal."

  8. Oh dear god, you make me laugh so hard, you funny bitch.

    That's the reason I don't wear tights. I just bare my legs all the time. Although I still like to pose like that one pic all the time just for kicks.

  9. Why is everyone talking about tights? Sorry... I got lost staring into the smoldering eyes of Not Good FOR Me picture #1.