Wednesday, January 4, 2012

What Women REALLY Do When They Go Out

I know that many men find the entire female race to be complicated and mysterious. I'm certain that they are intrigued by the inner workings of our Girl's Nights Out and Shopping and Shoes, just as the fairer sex is uber fascinated with Poker Night and the Pole Dancer by the name of 'Bambi' and Cigars.

On second thought, I don't think any of us care to know what the other sex does when they get out of the house and together with their homies, just as long as they don't drive drunk or eat the last brownie when they get home.

But I'm going to tell you a tiny bit about women anyway, because I'm a oversharer like that.

One of my girls and I went to check out new eyeglass frames. It was completely necessary since my precious little one busted mine, and everyone knows that one cannot pick out glasses ALONE. No. One NEEDS a second opinion or may end up looking like Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing Capote, thinking that they look artsy and interesting, when in fact they look like that creepy guy that works in Spencer's at the mall......

Not funky... just scary.
Oh, and the glasses are bad too.
So we found some frames that seemed to suit me and we made a few stops on the way home, ending with a little piece of heaven on Earth, also known as SuperTarget.

We entered the building and proceeded to turn into 13 year old girls. We laughed and snorted as we browsed the mostly empty store (because everyone else that normally shops there was at home putting their children to bed) and found all kinds of treasures.... hats, scarves, cute shoes and tops, adorable baby girl clothes (we both birthed boys), and home decor. We had an opinion about everything.... ranging from "ooooo! CUTE!" to "those are ridiculous" to "it looks like you peed on the floor right there" to "I'm glad that you are in therapy". We tried on the merchandise and made inappropriate remarks to one another:
So very coy, milady.....

I think that this will be my new look.
Now all I need is a convertible car, some designer
shoes and the Paparazzi following me....
or maybe just a straight jacket.

My favorite part of the expedition was probably when my single friend looked at the endcap featuring Valentine's Day items, waved her arm in the general direction and said "That just makes me angry." So, being sensitive to her needs, I mocked her and forced her to walk over to the love encrusted display and admire it up close and personal. We stood together in front of pink and red hearts and birds and simply breathed in the love..... then I saw a vein pulsing in her forehead so we stepped away.

Then we went back to my house and Brock installed a new headlamp in her car.

I know. Exciting. Sorry to ruin the fantasy for all you dudes who think we dress up in the PINK section from Victoria's Secret while sucking frosting off each other's fingers and having a pillow fight. It's more about dick jokes, shoes and complimentary color palettes.

Madlibs fun: I want to see if you all are as sick and twisted as my girlfriend up there in the bonnet.
Finish this sentence:

Clerk: Do you need a bag for that?
Me: No, I'll just put it in my___________. (noun)

Thanks for playing.
! Answer revealed upside down at the bottom of this page!*

*No, it isn't, and if you turned your computer over and looked then you are officially as blonde as I was today when I tried pushing the WASH 'button' on a poster at the car wash. If there was a video camera present, I'll have to change my name and go into a relocation program.


  1. you and i could never hang out. :) i detest shopping and trying on anything! i'd have been barfing at the valentine's day display. :)

  2. Wha. . .WHAT!?!? You have a SUPER TARGET!?!? OK, I was looking on AMTRAK and couldn't find a station in Ft. Collins or Loveland. What's the closest city?

  3. Well, it depends on what the "that" was. It could be "put it in my purse" or maybe "put it in my bra" or if she is really saucy "put it in my twat?" Let's go with that last one. Sounds reasonable.

    I am so jealous that you played in Target without me!! So jealous. If I ever get out there, woman . . . you, me, TARGET! And funny hats and scarves. So jealous. Love that place.

  4. Whatever Tex- You totally would love hanging out with me because I'M AWESOME.
    Jen- Oh yeah, and it is about a mile from my house no less- right by the DWS and the sushi restaurant! I love my town.
    I guess they didn't open up that route- boo hiss. Try Denver. It is only 50 minutes away. There is an airline that flies into Ft Collins, not sure where it goes to though (vegas for sure)... I'll fb you my cell and we can text about it.
    ANNDDDDD>>>>>> MISTY FOR THE WIN. Guess number three- of course, because my friend is saucy for sho. And it's a date. :)

  5. (1) After the fourth paragraph I read the entire remaining post in the voice of Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing Capote. [Side note: I work regularly with an attorney who honestly speaks EXACTLY like that, while behaviorally acting like the Jerry Espenson character from Boston Legal. It IS as awesome as it sounds.]

    (2) Over Christmas vacation I totally spent an ENTIRE day with a black scarf around my head after watching a marathon of American Muslim on TLC. It should be noted that (a) it was surprisingly easy to "forget" about and didn't get in the way, (b) it crossed my mind that I would save TONS of money on hair products and accessories, and (c) no one in my family commented or asked me what I was doing. And, yes, I did see them. In fact, we played board games together. (Including my new favorite Blockus.)What does this say about my family? They are beautifully accepting of other cultures. (Or I am invisible to them.)

    (3)I have a 4th grader. We do mad libs all. the. time. Nouns are always either "toilet bowl" or "poop." Although once in a while "underwear" gets thrown in there.

    (4) It shall be noted that photographic documentation of hair style and new glasses is still required.

    That is all.

  6. Clerk: Do you need a bag for that?
    Me: No, I'll just put it in my___________. (noun)

    You know what my answer is, right? Starts with a 'V', rhymes with 'angina.'

    I was with my lady friends at lunch today and we spent a good amount of time talking about how awesome and hilarious you are. What was my life like before the Cornfed Girl!? Rhymes with _______.

  7. @Phoenix- The scarf could solve that tricky 'to highlight or not to highlight' issue.

    @Flooze- Really? You guys were talking about me? now I feel special. And I am going with Rhymes with hemrroid love chaps (that is supposed to rhyme with devoid of laughs- but it is really early)

  8. My daughter loves to get with her girlfriends, go to the mall with a camera, dress up in the dressing rooms and then take pictures of all their crazy outfits. I think they have been kicked out of every store in town.