Monday, January 2, 2012

We're super fun. You should invite us to your next party.

♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me....... a pair of broken eyeglasses and a washing machine full of clothing decorated with dry erase marker! And all before 8:30 a.m.!♩ ♪ ♫ ♬

Okay, Brock didn't give me those blessings. Instead, Thing 2 was scampering through the house like a Gremlin, putting his signature mark on everything in his path (the path of destruction) while I was bogged down, two steps behind him, cleaning up the messes.

Mornings are so not my time to shine.

So let's talk about the seventh day of Christmas, also known to some as 'New Year's Eve' because it too was magical and ethereal.

I will preface this story by saying that Brock and I normally stay IN on New Year's Eve because we are parents of two small children and bedtime is something of a religious ceremony in this house. But even before the spawn, I have never been a big fan of going out on holiday's that are notorious for booze, thus manufacturing a shit ton of drunk people on the roads. It is the same reason that we normally stay in on The Fourth of July.... plus we are boring and tired and we like to go to bed early where we watch reruns of Pysch.

That being said, the stars aligned (an actual party invite and a helpful babysitting neighbor) for us to go out and be with other adult humans to celebrate this New Year's Eve.

We showed up late, starving and shamefully wig-less to a "let's WIG out" themed party hosted by our friends a few towns over in Greeley. I'm surprised no one supplied me with a name tag reading "Hi, I'm LAME" upon my arrival. I volunteered to be DD that night, so I cozied up to the food table with my red Solo cup of ice water while Brock started to get his drink on with a variety of booze and tonic water, on an empty stomach. (I believe this is called foreshadowing)

Then I got cold, like I do when it's winter, and I made myself some hot tea. Meanwhile, Brock was partying like a rockstar and had borrowed some dude's special curly fuchsia wig. I smelled it to see if it smelled like strawberries. It did not, but it did smell like a Strawberry Shortcake doll that had been in storage from the early 80's. So Brock was officially themed and fun, while I, on the other hand, might as well have grabbed a rocking chair, a lap blanket and some knitting to go with my tea and altogether boringness.Too bad I didn't bring my ceramic cat collection and my Murder, She Wrote DVD's. Did I mention that I had been awake since 4:30 a.m. and the electricity had gone out for an hour and the kids didn't nap and I was running late all day?

I think the pink suits him.... and I'm so faking perky here.

So as the evening went on, Brock and I both participated in the festivities. We competitively built towers out of red solo cups (we both lost), Brock built a mansion on his own, we were civilized and chatted with people that we just met and then I broke treated their eardrums to my AWESOME rendition of Eye of the Tiger. It was fun, although I was still tired, I persisted on with the enticement of the blissfully perfect 'New Year's Kiss'. I've watched enough movies to know that the moment your lips meet is like a fucking dream. That thought of kissing my honey on the stroke of midnight was like a beacon of light... or a cattle prod.... helping me get to my destination of staying awake until midnight. Ahhh! The romance of it!
Even though I look judgemental, I'm not.
Okay..... yes I am.
Brock sucks at RockBand. That is all.

Meet Brock. He does construction stuff....

There was only one teensy little problem~ Brock was getting progressively shit housed as the night went on.

So when there were five minutes to spare, we all gathered in the living room in front of .... a Skype video of some other drunk people in another state that neither Brock or I knew..... and prepared for the last moments of 2011, and the KISS!

Only Brock accepted a nasty ass beer Keystone Light from a friendly dude that looked like he lived in his mother's basement and proceeded to SHOTGUN the beer with that guy and a 20-something year old chick.

And as the clock struck midnight, I stood alone in the center of the room, surrounded by couples smooching, watching my husband saturate his face, chest and new shirt (that I bought him for Christmas) with cheap beer. It was the most magical moment of my life.

Neat way to start the new year.

Two minutes later, when I gently reminded him that he was supposed to kiss me at midnight, he leaned in with his face wet with beer and smelling like the sink drain at the local bar and tried to plant a sloppy one on me. I ducked and shot him a dirty look. He started making a billion excuses ranging from "I didn't know what time it was!" (WTF?) to"They made me do it!" And naturally, I totally believed every word that fell out of his mouth.

Sure I did.
I wouldn't say that I was smiling here.....but more like baring my teeth.
Nice shirt Brock. Keeping it Klassy.

Then people started leaving and I was thinking "thank GOD, I'm exhausted" and started collecting my husband, who was completely happy and utterly shellacked. We went upstairs and gathered our jackets. I started out the door and he stepped into the bathroom. As I was warming up the truck..... and waiting..... and waiting.... and waiting..... I realized that "Houston, we have a problem".

I walked back inside, only to find my husband, who had gone (over the course of the evening) from 'handsome hero' to 'pain in my motherloving ass', standing at the counter doing shots with the other gents at the party. Super special. I asked him to please come out to the truck and he held his first finger up at me in that "hush woman" fashion and then turned and followed the dudes, like a dopey puppy dog, out to the back deck.

So like the docile, loving wife that I am, I delicately walked out the door, got in my 3/4 ton truck and tore drove away, right when he was walking out the door. I generously stopped 200 feet up the road and allowed him to walk to me and get in. Once he did, I sternly told him about my grave disappointment.

I'm sure he heard: Blah blah blah DISAPPOINTED ME blah blah blah DISGUSTING blah blah blah.... SELFISH... blah.

He got uncharacteristically angry (in that special, super intoxicated way) and dramatically threw himself out of the truck. Then he proceed to 'walk home'. Only he was going the wrong direction and we lived 20 some miles away. I left anyway. I was done and the last thing I want to do on a 'night out' is babysit an adult. I figured he would go back to the party and sleep it off there, then he could figure out his own stinkin' ride in the morning while I was making breakfast and drinking hot cocoa with our precious children. <----- can you hear the disdain dripping off that sentence? I can.

So I drove a few miles up the road, pulled over and called my friend who had hosted the party. She said that he hadn't shown up yet. I asked her to text me when he did. I almost pulled back onto the blacktop and headed home but a thought crossed my mind. What if he didn't go to their house? What if he walked into traffic or passed out in the ditch? Shit. Then a worse thought entered my head. What if he called a cab to take him home and he spent like $90 on the cab ride? That business would really piss me off. So I reluctantly turned around and started searching the ditches. At first it was casual looking, then I started feeling frantic. Finally, after looping around a few times, I caught sight of him walking in the tall grass on the side of the road. He was miraculously going in the direction of our house. I pulled over, picked him up and he slurred "you made me walk, like, a mile and I am freezing cold!" Little did he know that I initially had every intention of leaving him entirely to his own devices. Then I turned to go towards Ft. Collins and he yelled "you're going the wrong way!" to which I replied "you need to just sit there quietly, thankyouverymuch".

The next morning, as we woke up lovingly in separate rooms, we didn't really address the prior evening. In fact, we just chalked it up to 'the last night of 2011' and started fresh. We ate some great food and had fun with the kids. We took the Things on pony rides. We vowed to both quit drinking for a month. And later that same day, he cleaned those ugly leaves and sticks that were piled in the front of the house; the exact area/debris that I had been asking him to clean up since October.

Well well well. Miracles do happen.

I guess 2012 is off with a bang.

How did you spend your New Years?

P.S. It may seem like I am throwing my husband under the bus, because I am sweet like that, but he read and approved every word and most of the pictures. He even laughed. I'm glad that he was amused. The end.


  1. Cleaning up equals apology...and your turn to get your drunk on.

  2. aww! you're awesome to write about this! (& brock too!) i used to be brock and my hubby was the babysitter. bless our little sloppy-drunk-hearts! brock is a real looker, even in a pink wig! love it! Happy New Year! great post!

  3. oh! and your drawing is fantastic! so funny!

  4. @Jo- I have no desire to be in that condition! That is what college was for. ;)
    @Namaste- Thank you. I considered NOT writing about it but a friend of mine encouraged me too, saying that 'people would relate/empathize.' And when I read it to Brock he laughed and said 'I didn't even remember doing that.'

  5. That's contrite raking, for sure. Well played, Johi. Well played.

  6. I'm SO glad you wrote about this! AND of course that Brock approved :)
    My dear husband left ME at a party, at his sister's house once. Shortly after I had given birth to his THIRD offspring. It made me feel super classy! LOL Not that I didn't deserve it, but that's another story.

  7. Wow, my evening was a LOT like yours.... except we went to a hole in the wall bar a block a way.... yep, my sweet hubby of 2 months drank shots like a rockstar and we got into that nice little sarcastic yelling match while I drove and he walked the block home... YEP, HAPPY 2012!!!! :)

  8. Much to my dismay (not really) I was not kissed by my husband (of not even 3 months) at midnight. He was off refreshing his drink. I do get priorities but I felt like the real ass while watching my best friend and her husband (of less than a month) plant a big wet one on each other. Not to mention our lame single friend who had not talked to a girl ALLLLL night and finds someone with less than 2 minutes before midnight to kiss. Anywho, I can totally relate. Happy New Year!! :)

  9. Yeah, even the saintliest of hubbies turn into real assholes when they get loaded. Been there.

    I will tell you that even though your hubs was obviously not thinking about you at midnight, I WAS! I was at my SIL's house for a game night and they had this beer, Fat Tire, that is made in Ft. Freaking Collins! So, whilst playing games and sipping beer, I look down and ZAP! There you are right in my head. Ok, so maybe it was more like 11:30, but still. Thinking of you at new years. And if I had been there with you, you know I woulda kissed ya, babe! :)

  10. @Jayne- *bowing* Thank you.
    @Erin- Ahhh, yes, I remember that story. lol
    @Kelly- I somehow imagined that I would not be alone in spending my evening this way. I hope you two made up properly. :)
    @Lalig- I always feel like an ass too when I watch other people kiss. Happy New Year to you!
    @misty- I am ALWAYS thinking of you. And I would have gladly kissed you at midnight.

  11. I now have Toby Keith's 'Red Solo Cup' running through my head on a constant loop. And for that I thank you, milady. :)

  12. I totally understand the "no kiss" @ midnight, been there done that a few times. This year however, Husband and I spent our NYE in New York New York, in Las Vegas, Nevada. I got felt up at the airport, peeped a handicap woman in the bathroom (totally her fault), and ended up having to walk from on end of the Strip to the other @ 3:00 in the morning. It took us 1 1/2 hours. Best New Year's Eve, EVEH!

  13. Wow, Tina- That does sound magical. lmao!

  14. First time visit to your blog...definitely following!

    Crappy New Year's Eve but ever so funny, the way you tell it!

  15. I worked til ten thirty new years eve, and was back in at 7am new years day, but made it home to share a bottle of pink champagne (and a kiss) with my wife to see in the new year.
    However, since this is not at all funny, and possibly a little nah-boo-sucks sounding, let me relate my FIRST new years eve with my wife. At a very posh dinner with friends at a nearby Mexican restautrant, I mistook the Rioja for tap water, and drank four bottles to myself very quickly. I then 'decorated' the gents toilet, coming back looking very dishevelled and slurring after my hasty 'clean up'. 15mins later, I felt the urge again, but was confronted by a man with a mop and bucket cleaning up after me from earlier .... so I went next door and did the very same thing to the ladies bathroom instead. I then left the restaurant in a daze without telling my wife, and was discovered at 11:50pm-ish face down unconscious on my own bed, naked from the waist down. Needless to say I have spent the other nine years we have been together faithfully by her side when midnight strikes. Brock got off light with some sweeping...... ;)

  16. @MayBeth- WELCOME!
    @Assassin- First of all, the 12 year old side of me always is so pleased and amused when I type out your name.
    Secondly, it sounds as if nine years of good behavior puts you in the clear to be found in bed without pants again soon. Wait, that sounds bad. Bottoms up!