Okay, Brock didn't give me those blessings. Instead, Thing 2 was scampering through the house like a Gremlin, putting his signature mark on everything in his path (the path of destruction) while I was bogged down, two steps behind him, cleaning up the messes.
Mornings are so not my time to shine.
So let's talk about the seventh day of Christmas, also known to some as 'New Year's Eve' because it too was magical and ethereal.
I will preface this story by saying that Brock and I normally stay IN on New Year's Eve because we are parents of two small children and bedtime is something of a religious ceremony in this house. But even before the spawn, I have never been a big fan of going out on holiday's that are notorious for booze, thus manufacturing a shit ton of drunk people on the roads. It is the same reason that we normally stay in on The Fourth of July.... plus we are boring and tired and we like to go to bed early where we watch reruns of Pysch.
That being said, the stars aligned (an actual party invite and a helpful babysitting neighbor) for us to go out and be with other adult humans to celebrate this New Year's Eve.
We showed up late, starving and shamefully wig-less to a "let's WIG out" themed party hosted by our friends a few towns over in Greeley. I'm surprised no one supplied me with a name tag reading "Hi, I'm LAME" upon my arrival. I volunteered to be DD that night, so I cozied up to the food table with my red Solo cup of ice water while Brock started to get his drink on with a variety of booze and tonic water, on an empty stomach. (I believe this is called foreshadowing)
Then I got cold, like I do when it's winter, and I made myself some hot tea. Meanwhile, Brock was partying like a rockstar and had borrowed some dude's special curly fuchsia wig. I smelled it to see if it smelled like strawberries. It did not, but it did smell like a Strawberry Shortcake doll that had been in storage from the early 80's. So Brock was officially themed and fun, while I, on the other hand, might as well have grabbed a rocking chair, a lap blanket and some knitting to go with my tea and altogether boringness.Too bad I didn't bring my ceramic cat collection and my Murder, She Wrote DVD's. Did I mention that I had been awake since 4:30 a.m. and the electricity had gone out for an hour and the kids didn't nap and I was running late all day?
|I think the pink suits him.... and I'm so faking perky here.|
So as the evening went on, Brock and I both participated in the festivities. We competitively built towers out of red solo cups (we both lost), Brock built a mansion on his own, we were civilized and chatted with people that we just met and then I
|Even though I look judgemental, I'm not.|
Okay..... yes I am.
Brock sucks at RockBand. That is all.
|Meet Brock. He does construction stuff....|
There was only one teensy little problem~ Brock was getting progressively shit housed as the night went on.
So when there were five minutes to spare, we all gathered in the living room in front of .... a Skype video of some other drunk people in another state that neither Brock or I knew..... and prepared for the last moments of 2011, and the KISS!
Only Brock accepted a
And as the clock struck midnight, I stood alone in the center of the room, surrounded by couples smooching, watching my husband saturate his face, chest and new shirt (that I bought him for Christmas) with cheap beer. It was the most magical moment of my life.
|Neat way to start the new year.|
Two minutes later, when I gently reminded him that he was supposed to kiss me at midnight, he leaned in with his face wet with beer and smelling like the sink drain at the local bar and tried to plant a sloppy one on me. I ducked and shot him a dirty look. He started making a billion excuses ranging from "I didn't know what time it was!" (WTF?) to"They made me do it!" And naturally, I totally believed every word that fell out of his mouth.
Sure I did.
|I wouldn't say that I was smiling here.....but more like baring my teeth.|
Nice shirt Brock. Keeping it Klassy.
Then people started leaving and I was thinking "thank GOD, I'm exhausted" and started collecting my husband, who was completely happy and utterly shellacked. We went upstairs and gathered our jackets. I started out the door and he stepped into the bathroom. As I was warming up the truck..... and waiting..... and waiting.... and waiting..... I realized that "Houston, we have a problem".
I walked back inside, only to find my husband, who had gone (over the course of the evening) from 'handsome hero' to 'pain in my motherloving ass', standing at the counter doing shots with the other gents at the party. Super special. I asked him to please come out to the truck and he held his first finger up at me in that "hush woman" fashion and then turned and followed the dudes, like a dopey puppy dog, out to the back deck.
So like the docile, loving wife that I am, I delicately walked out the door, got in my 3/4 ton truck and
I'm sure he heard: Blah blah blah DISAPPOINTED ME blah blah blah DISGUSTING blah blah blah.... SELFISH... blah.
He got uncharacteristically angry (in that special, super intoxicated way) and dramatically threw himself out of the truck. Then he proceed to 'walk home'. Only he was going the wrong direction and we lived 20 some miles away. I left anyway. I was done and the last thing I want to do on a 'night out' is babysit an adult. I figured he would go back to the party and sleep it off there, then he could figure out his own stinkin' ride in the morning while I was making breakfast and drinking hot cocoa with our precious children. <----- can you hear the disdain dripping off that sentence? I can.
So I drove a few miles up the road, pulled over and called my friend who had hosted the party. She said that he hadn't shown up yet. I asked her to text me when he did. I almost pulled back onto the blacktop and headed home but a thought crossed my mind. What if he didn't go to their house? What if he walked into traffic or passed out in the ditch? Shit. Then a worse thought entered my head. What if he called a cab to take him home and he spent like $90 on the cab ride? That business would really piss me off. So I reluctantly turned around and started searching the ditches. At first it was casual looking, then I started feeling frantic. Finally, after looping around a few times, I caught sight of him walking in the tall grass on the side of the road. He was miraculously going in the direction of our house. I pulled over, picked him up and he slurred "you made me walk, like, a mile and I am freezing cold!" Little did he know that I initially had every intention of leaving him entirely to his own devices. Then I turned to go towards Ft. Collins and he yelled "you're going the wrong way!" to which I replied "you need to just sit there quietly, thankyouverymuch".
The next morning, as we woke up lovingly in separate rooms, we didn't really address the prior evening. In fact, we just chalked it up to 'the last night of 2011' and started fresh. We ate some great food and had fun with the kids. We took the Things on pony rides. We vowed to both quit drinking for a month. And later that same day, he cleaned those ugly leaves and sticks that were piled in the front of the house; the exact area/debris that I had been asking him to clean up since October.
|Well well well. Miracles do happen.|
I guess 2012 is off with a bang.
How did you spend your New Years?
P.S. It may seem like I am throwing my husband under the bus, because I am sweet like that, but he read and approved every word and most of the pictures. He even laughed. I'm glad that he was amused. The end.