Thursday, January 26, 2012

My Life, but with more famous people.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm in a slump. I don't know if it because it is winter, because I stopped drinking or because my muse, my girl Sarah, has been out of town for a few weeks. Seriously, it is probably a combination of all of the above, but I will tell you that I feel pretty boring without Sarah around. I feel that we truly compliment each other- sort of like Thelma and Louise...... or Beavis and Butthead. The reality of it is probably that her sparkling personality probably just shines so bright that makes me appear more interesting by default.

*....licks glass, cleans toilet and turns on Project Runway*

SO. To combat my mental fatigue and comedic laziness, I am now going to be totally uncreative and steal an idea from Noa and Jen. I will create a masterpiece film about my life and cast famous people in the roles of my friends and family!

Starring as me, the Corn Fed Girl:

Snarky, sassy, and self-deprecating Tina Fey. She is smart, but she also strikes me as the kind of woman who would wear her sneakers numerous times with a piece of dog food inside of them, each time thinking there was something wrong with her foot, until she finally discovered the dog food. I'm not saying that I have done that....* cough.* Of course she would need to be blond, have smaller boobs and green contacts eyes (and a green leisure suit), but other than that it is a dead ringer. She would also need to practice some Jim Carrey-esq facial contortions in the mirror, use phrases like "dicking around" and start wearing more cowboy boots.

Playing the role of Brock (also known as Bow-Chicka-Now-Now):

The puppy dog-eyed Edward Burns. He is almost a dead ringer for Brock, but with more game and less grout on his hands. He would have to play down the whole male whore thing though and learn to build a bunch of useful shit, how to bathe the Things and how take out the garbage- EVERY SINGLE EFFING DAY. He would also need to practice saying "Let me make dinner tonight?" and "You go watch Top Model. I'll clean the bathroom." and "Here, let me rub your back." Brock really doesn't say any of those things but it is my movie and I'll make the actors do as I please, thankyouverymuch.

And the role of Thing 1 will be played by:

I know that you were thinking that the Things would be played by The Things, but Dash from the Incredibles is a much better fit. Thing 1 is quick, sneaky, and triumphant, making Dash a perfect portrayal. Plus he thinks he is a superhero and he looks out for others- particularly his little brother- and he is pretty darn funny to boot.

And for Thing 2:

Jack Jack, also from The Incredibles. He's adorable, in an animated way, much like Thing 2, and I hear that it is best to keep the siblings together. Blah blah blah. Plus Thing 2 can be the most charming and happy little guy on the planet one moment, then turn to fire and lead the next.

Remember this?
This is pretty much a dead ringer for Thing 2 every day
after his nap.
Unfortunately, it is also when I am attempting to prepare dinner.
Good times...

Playing the role of my BFF that left me and moved to San Francisco:

This was BY FAR the easiest role to cast, as my BFF not only looks almost exactly like Neil Patrick Harris, he is equally as awesome. I almost peed my pants when I located this particular picture, as not only was my BFF the recipient of The Manicorn sign declaring "Homo Sweet Homo", he is also an accomplished horseman, which clearly translates directly to Unicorn Whispering. My BFF is the perfect blend of intelligence, confidence, rapid fire wit and comfort. I miss him, but I think NPH will do him proud. I would take either one of them shoe shopping with me.

Playing the part of my homegirl, Sarah:

This one was exceedingly difficult for me, until I remembered the brilliant Molly Shannon. Sarah is one of those unique people that can make me laugh so hard at the most mundane things that I often find myself crying and snorting. Molly Shannon is the perfect representation- goofy, happy, fabulous and downright fucking hilarious. She fills me with joy, which is exactly what Sarah does every time I get to spend time with her. Hurry back Sarah. I'm fucking bored without you.

Playing the role of my Dad:

John Wayne is the obvious choice here. RIP Mr. Wayne. My dad not only dresses like this, but he is (thankfully) a man of few words, a leader and a cowboy. Plus he said things like: "Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid." Perfect choice.

My Mom would be depicted by:

Karen Grassle, who played Caroline on Little House on the Prairie is the perfect person. Not only did my mom look almost exactly like this in my childhood- she also acts like her. No, we were not raised Amish, but with John Wayne for a dad and Caroline for a mom, my sister and I dressed like we were either of Amish tradition or cast members on Little House on the Prairie (probably the leading cause of my fashion addiction today).  But BY GOLLY- we knew how to ride a horse, make a fire, pee in the woods and to decifer between right and wrong.

Speaking of my sister:

The clear choice here is Lucy Lawless, also known as Xena the Warrior Princess. Anyone who has ever tried to buck hay or play sports with my sister knows that she is a warrior princess. Seriously, the girl intimidates pretty much everyone she encounters. She is a workout queen, a horsewoman and a fearless leader. She is also a great sis and auntie and she has been known to clean my house while I am napping. I would really like it if she just moved in with me.... (My sister, not Lucy- because I don't actually know her...)

Playing The Erins:

(You all didn't know that I have TWO Erin's, did you?)

Chelsea Handler (for the tall red-headed one) and Leah Remini (for my fist pumping Jersey Girl). Both have razor sharp wit, love the booze, can "handle" a man and are a fucking riot. They are also both reformed smokers and repressed comedians. I love my Erin's. Everyone should have at least two of their own.

And last but not least, Kate:

Kate will be played by the spaztastic Cameron Diaz. Because she is a spaz. And she is fantastic. And I love them both. And I want to work out with neither of them.

Don't feel bad if I left you out of this casting list. I love you all and everyone knows that I am super popular and have a shit ton of friends. Maybe if you work harder for my affection (i.e. Free babysitting, fine wine and baked goods), you too can have a role in this much anticipated film.

Coming soon only to those weird artsy theatres near you that play films like Trash Humpers.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Johi Fey


  1. Can I tell you how freaking jealous I am that you hang with a Molly Shannon and a Chelsea Handler AND are married to an Edward Burns? I WANT TO BE YOU, DAMN IT!!!!

  2. Don't forget Steve Buscemi as Cory Caswell.

  3. @jen- And I get to READ a Chelsea Handler-esq person's blog every day. How lucky am I?
    @Mayor Tom- I just spit the corn chips that I was eating on to my computer screen.

  4. Great! That's the reaction I was aiming for.

  5. OMG, I'm totally stealing this idea! I'm stuck on who would play Drew....

  6. Wow. Sounds like you hang out with awesome people. I also think I will steal this idea for my blog. I will use my own people, of course. I might even base it on my own family.

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. I love that bitch Chelsea Handler :) and wow Leah Remini had great Knockers in this pic so way to go other Erin... (who has great knockers in real life also)

  9. And.. I'm still laughting about Brad and NPH... And that picture totally looks like Brock btw!

  10. I totally thought that picture WAS Brock! I thought you were gonna do a compare/contrast pic thing & was waiting for the pic of Ed. Good for you, girl!

  11. This post is FULL of win! Your cast just seriously makes me giggle. And swoon a little. Ed Burns? Rawr! Uh, that translates to swooning over Brock... is that awkward? Well, girl, your husband is a handsome devil. And NPH on a unicorn? My life is complete.

  12. @Tara- You should do it. I had fun with it. And I can't help you with the Drew casting, as I haven't met him... (and I'm refraining from making derogatory comments about the man that broke your heart now.)

    @Brett- Ha! I think you should base it on your fake family... lmao

    @Erin- I'm glad that you are happy with my choice for you. I almost picked the actress that plays Roxanne on the show Whitney, but I didn't think you would know who she is. (She is hilarious and would be a great choice as well!)

    @Misty- It's all about the right angles and lighting..... blahahaahaha!

    @Kelly- Feel free to swoon over Brock. He thinks that all of my readers believe him to be a dumbass so I'll be sure to let him know that he has some admirers! And I too think the NPH on the unicorn is one of the best pictures ever.