Friday, January 6, 2012

The King of Blog Fodder

As I was attempting to fall asleep last night, I heard a crazy wild wind kick up outside. It was whistling and howling and it sounded like the door was rattling. It was making such a racket that I couldn't sleep because all I kept thinking about the Christmas garlands and lights that I had ripped down from the railings. Their storage boxes were in the attic still so I piled all the decorations on the front porch and I just knew that when I awoke, they were going to be scattered through the yard like dandelions, or my children's toys.

Then I realized that it was just Brock, doing his special sleep breathing and I rolled over and shut off my brain.

I know that I poke fun of my husband a lot. I do. And some of you may think I do it to much so I have something to say to you, which is: "If you knew him in person, you would do the same thing, just like all of my friends do. Plus he once told me that I had big ankles while we were in a shoe store and I am still making him pay for that, and will continue to until The End of Time."

My ankles are perfectly normal, thank you for wondering. (After that comment I fucking willed them to be delicate and ladylike. Fuck yeah, I did.)

Brock also strutted around for the first four years of our relationship proclaiming that he was going to write a book about common sense! Yet, just the other day I asked him to throw some potatoes in the oven to bake (I was buying groceries and one of those wonderful rotisserie chickens for dinner). When I returned home after an hour, he was frustrated because his potatoes still felt hard and uncooked. So we baked them longer and waited. Later, when I was preparing the plates for dinner, I noticed that he had indeed wrapped them in foil (as I instructed) and he had also pierced them, as I told him to. I knew this before I took off the foil, because he pierced the potatoes through the foil.

Common Sense? Hello?

I spent the next 20 minutes digging tiny pieces of metal out of our food so that our intestines won't set off the metal detector at the airport.

A book on common sense- huh? Maybe before he pens one, he could read one.*

*But don't ask me to write it, I'm an idiot.

Fortunately, what Brock lacks in natural instinct in the kitchen and commenting on the body parts of women , he makes up for in child and pony whispering (and hoof trimming and building stuff and more stuff).
As proof, I offer this photo from yesterday.

Dr. Brock Wagner, Child and Pony Whisperer
Watch for his show coming soon to TLC.

Not really, but how awesome would that be?

There is nothing else here to see.


  1. I will watch the shit out of that show! Let me know when it's on. Hopefully the same night as Jen's WOF, so I can make a "bloggers on TV" night of it.

  2. When my husband was layed off he took up cooking. He did have the common sense to follow recipes. When one called for two cloves of garlic he thought that meant the whole garlic. Luckly he thought 2 was too much and only used one.

  3. I wish I would have video streamed the two days last week when I had the flu. It was the first time ever that Hubs ran solo. I'm still looking for half my kitchen.

    ps - I made your quinoa recipe the other night and it was a HUGE hit. Even though my very cultured husband and daughter called it kw-in-oh-ah... who cares, they ate it, right? ;)

  4. I'm 80-90% sure that our husbands took a potato baking class together.

  5. I just said, "Ohhh" like girls say when stuff is adorable.