Monday, December 12, 2011

How to Feel All Christmasy and Shit...

In preparation for Christmas, I have been experiencing a variety of things to get me "in the mood".
I.)Three Weeks ago:
  1. I was walking through the mall with a glorious head cold when a salesgirl popped out of her little island and sold me a magic Dead Sea manicure set. Then she leaned forward, put her face in mine and stared at my eyes. She was all kinds of up in my personal space, but she was pretty so I didn't mind as much a I normally would, and then she asked "What are you doing about that skin around your eyes?" and I was all "Er... I'm sick. I don't normally look this bad." Then she whipped out some Dead Sea miracle eye serum that was normally $897 an ounce and smeared it on my right eye and said, "It is like the surgery or the buttocks...."       *Screech* WHAT? And then I realized that she meant BOTOX. I didn't buy it, but I did walk around for the day looking 36 on one eye and 34 on the other and repeating Botox in her accent to anyone who would listen.
  2. When I was back in Iowa, I was getting ready one morning at my parent's house. My dad walked by and demanded " WHAT ARE YOU EATING?" and I replied, "Nothing! I'm curling my eyelashes!" and he demanded, "YOU NEED TO EAT MORE!" and stomped out of the room. I had been awake for two hours and had eaten toast, bacon and eggs and drank orange juice and two cups of coffee. I'm pretty sure I'll be alright. I think he has spent too much time judging the condition of his livestock.

II.) Two Weeks Ago

  1. I didn't end up shopping on Black Friday because Brock went out instead for a new TV that was priced super cheap. He waited outside for three hours in freezing cold weather in the pitch black night. He said that he couldn't act cold because there were a couple of 20-something twits wearing fucking shorts so he stood like a MAN and braved the cold. At night. In single digit temperatures. Only he didn't get there soon enough for the mega TV deal so he picked up a different one. When he went back to return something later in the week and noticed that the TV he purchased had only been marked down $20. "Never again! NEVER AGAIN!" he swore while shaking his fist (not really, but I thought it was more dramatic with the fist thing.)
  2. Thing 2 was napping and I hadn't yet showered, so I said to Thing 1, "I'm going to shower. Come and get me if your brother wakes up." He replied, "Will you tell me 'Hold on a Minute'?"    I fear I tell him this a lot.
  3. I spent four days decorating my house for Christmas. My house looks like a white trash version of Macy's, complete with green twine holding up the tree. Especially after I bought myself my family a bunch of gifts from there.... like these new boots that I found on sale for $66 (with my coupon) originally priced at $170!.... Merry Christmas honey!
Merry Christmas!
Tree, Eleanor, me, Baby Jesus and Boots.
I thought I was pointing at the boots.... oops.


    C.) Last Week


    I woke up one morning to discover that not only had Black Dog slept on the (new) couch again, but she also left a couple of butt nuggets behind. Cozy. Nothing makes you want to sing "I'll Be Home for Christmas" like dog shit on the couch.


    Later the same morning, I spilled coffee all over Eleanor.


    I went to a Christmas Card Party with some of my friends. We ate chili, drank wine and addressed our Christmas cards. I know. We's a bunch of cRaZy bitches. I think I gave myself Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.  I still haven't finished my cards and I can't even pick up a can of tomatoes off the shelf at the grocery store. Special.

    It started out fine.....



    and then, some time after K..... owww.


    I have yelled "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE!" and "STOP THROWING TOYS AROUND THE TREE!" and "FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, GET OFF OF YOUR BROTHER!" at least 12 times per day. Hence, the presence of the Elf of the Shelf has become critical to my sanity. Now I just hiss, "He's going to tell SANTA!"
      ROMAN NUMERAL FOUR) This Week
      •  I passed this lady dressed in sports gear, snow boots and hot pink pajama pants on the way to preschool. She was walking down the road with a lit cigarette hanging from her lips. I thought of Misty's Weekly Whacked column and wanted a picture for her.I considered circling around the block, but I can't steer, shift, and take a picture while laughing, so I decided to draw you a picture instead. Sadly, I did not exaggerate, not even a little. Enjoy.
      The dangling cigarette always takes away from the
       "I'm walking for health and wellness" potential.

      • I won a MOTHERFUCKING PAGEANT armed only with some seriously lazy wit and my rockin' green suit! I now hold the title QUEEN for a year. Ms. Wag the Dad 2012= ME! Fo shizzle. I'll be printing pictures to autograph soon. Maybe. If I get around to it.....my hand hurts, maybe my assistant can sign them for me.
      Queen B.
      What do you think the B stands for?


          That's it, in a nutshell.

          Thanks for reading, and remember- I will draw and announce the winner for the giveaway Wednesday so there is still time to enter!

          Peace, Love and Buttocks  Botox,
          Your Queen,
          Johi

           

          18 comments:

          1. love your boots AND your tree! and don't worry.. in my pic with the wookie I realized I'm accidentally pointing at his crotch.

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          2. I want one of the 'fuck it' cards so bad....

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          3. fo shizzle is the name of our wireless network here at home, just so you know.

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          4. Priceless....again!! Love the boots ...point to your cooch all your want...she needs love too!

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          5. Love it! My favorite part too was you pointing "at your boots"!!! Still laughing!!

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          6. Green suit + New boots = Fashion fabulousness extraordinaire.

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          7. I have yet to erect the christmas tree. Husband is demanding the full tree and not the table top version. I am putting off the erection of the tree to postpone the need to shout "Get out from under the tree", "Stop taking the bows off all the packages", and "Spit It Out, Replacement Dog". And here I thought my toddler days were over...I'm too old for this. Replacement Dog doesn't understand about the Elf on the Shelf, ya know.

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          8. Girl! You rockin' that green suit and that over-the-shoulder sexy girl pose! Holla!

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          9. love the "fuck it" card. nice. oh and you were very nice to let that sales girl try her product on your one eye. in middle age, now that my kids are grown, i no longer have that kind of patience for grown-up strangers.

            love your drawing of the ciggy woman!

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          10. The green twine is epic. Almost as ghetto-fabulous as our fuschia tinsel table top tree. It looks like Barbie at a rave. Adeste Fideles, y'all!

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          11. Tina said erection.



            Your calligraphy has made me insanely jealous. It is beautiful! I'm surprised you have fingers left.

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          12. When I looked at that picture of you and the tree, and before I read the caption, I was like "huh, did she buy herself a new vadge, too? Festive!!"

            I am so disappointed in you. But the artistic rendering almost makes up for it. Almost. You've gotta capture that shit, yo! Have I taught you nothing???

            Oh, and when do I get a mother loving card? Don't send a fuck it one, though. Although the site of it made me giggle like a coked up anime loving school girl, my oldest can read. I don't wanna have to explain what that word means. It would get graphic up in here!

            And no Black Friday Old Navy swag???? Oh, the humanity!!

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          13. When I looked at that picture of you and the tree, and before I read the caption, I was like "huh, did she buy herself a new vadge, too? Festive!!"

            I am so disappointed in you. But the artistic rendering almost makes up for it. Almost. You've gotta capture that shit, yo! Have I taught you nothing???

            Oh, and when do I get a mother loving card? Don't send a fuck it one, though. Although the site of it made me giggle like a coked up anime loving school girl, my oldest can read. I don't wanna have to explain what that word means. It would get graphic up in here!

            And no Black Friday Old Navy swag???? Oh, the humanity!!

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          14. I LOVE TO COMMENT SO MUCCCHHHHHH!!

            der.

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          15. Jaime- What is it about Wag's hoes and crotch pointing? WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?????
            Tish- I'll do my best!!
            Jo- blaha! The Fuck it cards don't *actually* exist. But I will make one for you if you send me your address. :)
            Rachel- Ha! Awesome!

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          16. Crystal- Yes she does. lol!
            Sarah- LOVE YOU. Obviously. Your on your stomach in the snow posing with a giant fish. What's not to love? (Plus, I took the picture)
            Jayne- Gracias. I like to try new things.

            Tina- I've got nothing- I was all distracted by the word erect.
            Wendi- why thank you *flutters eyelashes*

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          17. @Namaste- I'm nothing if not nice.... er.... well,,, nevermind??? Thank you.
            @jen- I need photographic evidence of this Barbie at a rave tree.
            @Kelly- I know- Tina is awesome!
            @Misty- I really appreciate the overzealous commenting. It makes me feel important. Email me your address and I will send you a card. jkokjohnwagner@yahoo.com

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