Monday, December 26, 2011

Crap. I started thinking again.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.... a giant kick in the ass.

I need to get serious for a minute. I have this super special thing that I do. I call it self-doubt. Whenever things start going well for me, my first instinct is to embrace it. Then after the feeling of newness and relief has worn off, I start feel super nervous and I question the positive change. "Why are good things happening?" "How long will this last?" "I don't know if I deserve this....." and so on and so forth. And I don't stop there, oh no. I'm all in. I like to serve my self sabotage up with a heaping side of "I'm okay at ______(name a task/skill that doesn't involve thinking dirty).... but I'm really not as good as _______ (fill in the blank with someone more talented, more focused, harder working; someone with better grammar....). Why should I get to be successful when there are thousands of others that are probably more deserving?".  I have to be honest. Here is the bottom line: I think that I'm not good enough. There it is. This is not a new thing, as it has been a problem for my entire life. Neat huh? Weird how I haven't achieved my definition of true personal "success" yet....

I was actually laying in bed last night, talking with Brock about this. I was telling him how much I love him, those incredible Things that we made, my family, my friends and my life; and how it all seems so fragile that sometimes I am paralyzed by the thought that it could all be taken away from me in a heartbeat. I may have even been tearing up a bit. He said, "I'm glad that I don't live inside your head. You must be exhausted." I laughed at that, but only that dismal laughter of shame, because he's right. I am tired of questioning everything. I would be nice just "to be" for a change. I would be refreshing to find enough focus to let things happen in an organic way--- things that lead to some kind of success, peace and bliss in my life. You see folks, this former Art Student who really doesn't make art because she thinks that she sucks has been living in fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear for the sake of fear. Add the worry that comes with being a mother and a financially dependent wife and what started as one tiny fear has now morphed into a life eating monster which can be debilitating.  And I. am. tired. of it.

And to answer your question: No. I'm not PMSing.

Then I log onto CrackBook this afternoon to find that Dr. Wayne Dyer has typed this jewel as his status update: "Be patient and loving with every fearful thought. Practice observing your fears as a witness, and you'll see them dissolve."

When is this guy going to get out of my head????

So I will take this as a sign and approach the rest of the day being patient and loving of myself and my stupid motherflipping fears. I have already practiced my new guitar twice today, and I totally suck at it so I guess that is a minor success (not the fact that I stink, just that I keep trying). I think I'll shoot for a nap as well, while I'm at it for I "fear" that I am over tired.
P.S. My fingers hurt.
P.P.S. I'll bring some funny soon- maybe even with cartoons.


So here are four questions for the coming New Year:

What are your fears? Have you overcome them? How? And does anyone have a sedative?

15 comments:

  1. I am fearful of tragedy. However, I have learned that in worrying I am creating a bigger tragedy to myself. Not enjoying every minute because when you fear...it permeates everything else. It's like a banana in your lunch bag.

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  2. I can fully commit to the no bananas in the lunch bag policy.

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  3. no worries, johi. you don't have to be funny all the time. sometimes vulnerable and human is what we can relate to out here in Blogland.

    i have fears, yes. i've been so blessed, yet i want more than i have. i am grateful, yet worried for the future.

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  4. Oh, honey. HONEY. I could have written this post, except I wouldn't have had the hunky cowboy laying in bed next to me.

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  5. I have lots of fears. I have a fear of looking stupid. I have a fear of being friendless for the rest of my adult life. I have a fear of being too shy. I have a fear of being too outspoken. Yeah, figure THAT out. I have a fear of being childless forever. I have a fear of something happening to my husband. I have a fear of something happening to my pets. I have a fear of not being enough.

    I have so many damn fears its overwhelming.

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  6. No sedative but a rocking Ambien prescription.

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  7. @TexWis- Thanks. I don't want to feel pigeon-holed into only being "one" way online, because in real life I have so so many personalities. Ha!
    @Tara- So I'm wondering, is it a woman thing or an "I need therapy" thing? :)
    @Jinny- It sounds like we both need to watch more reality TV to kill off some of those brain cells.
    @Mrs.Tuna- Ha! Awesome. I'm more of a Benedryl girl but whatever blows your skirt up! lol!

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  8. Yours is one of the only blogs I can still access at work. Almost every other one (mine included) has been recently blocked as "porn". So that's something, right? You are the Will Smith to my Eminem.

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  9. I used to be scared of everything, but most especially happiness...in case someone might yank it away. It took me many, many years to understand that I was the one yanking it away because of my fears.
    I've always been my own worst enemy. I'm still learning to love myself and accept myself as I do so easily with everyone else.
    It's not just you.

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  10. @jaclyn- tell that to all the creepy dudes searching for a cheap thrill that are mistakenly led to my site. Ewww. I'm not even going to tell you what google ananlytics tells me.
    @Jo-
    "I'm still learning to love myself and accept myself as I do so easily with everyone else." exactly. Love to you.

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  11. I am plagued with periodic anxiety attacks. Prayer. Prayer is the only thing that calms them. I pray over my worries and I let God take them from me.

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  12. I, too, have delusions of inadequacy interspersed with moments of massive deficiency.

    Only thing that gets me through is the knowledge that I'm unique, just like everyone else. Oh, and this, too, shall pass.

    Hang in there!

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  13. @Tina- I do a lot of that, and it does help. So does wine.
    @Jayne- Well said. Does your 'hang in there' come with a picture of a kitten dangling from a branch? :)

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  14. Wow, Johi... This is SO me. I do this to myself whenever good things happen to me, too. Just know, you ARE amazing and you do deserve it, girl!

    XOXO,
    Your Fellow Neurotic

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  15. It must be a woman thing to have the fear. Life hasn't been golden compared to other, but it's pretty golden to me right now, and there is always a nagging fear that good can't last forever. And at some point it could come crashing down.

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