On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.... a giant kick in the ass.
I need to get serious for a minute. I have this super special thing that I do. I call it self-doubt. Whenever things start going well for me, my first instinct is to embrace it. Then after the feeling of newness and relief has worn off, I start feel super nervous and I question the positive change. "Why are good things happening?" "How long will this last?" "I don't know if I deserve this....." and so on and so forth. And I don't stop there, oh no. I'm all in. I like to serve my self sabotage up with a heaping side of "I'm okay at ______(name a task/skill that doesn't involve thinking dirty).... but I'm really not as good as _______ (fill in the blank with someone more talented, more focused, harder working; someone with better grammar....). Why should I get to be successful when there are thousands of others that are probably more deserving?". I have to be honest. Here is the bottom line: I think that I'm not good enough. There it is. This is not a new thing, as it has been a problem for my entire life. Neat huh? Weird how I haven't achieved my definition of true personal "success" yet....
I was actually laying in bed last night, talking with Brock about this. I was telling him how much I love him, those incredible Things that we made, my family, my friends and my life; and how it all seems so fragile that sometimes I am paralyzed by the thought that it could all be taken away from me in a heartbeat. I may have even been tearing up a bit. He said, "I'm glad that I don't live inside your head. You must be exhausted." I laughed at that, but only that dismal laughter of shame, because he's right. I am tired of questioning everything. I would be nice just "to be" for a change. I would be refreshing to find enough focus to let things happen in an organic way--- things that lead to some kind of success, peace and bliss in my life. You see folks, this former Art Student who really doesn't make art because she thinks that she sucks has been living in fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear for the sake of fear. Add the worry that comes with being a mother and a financially dependent wife and what started as one tiny fear has now morphed into a life eating monster which can be debilitating. And I. am. tired. of it.
And to answer your question: No. I'm not PMSing.
Then I log onto CrackBook this afternoon to find that Dr. Wayne Dyer has typed this jewel as his status update: "