Thursday, November 10, 2011

Mommy Needs a Time Out

The kids have been sick for two solid weeks with some kind of hacking cough and lots of snot. I was doing a great job avoiding it myself until I somehow got the snot of my precious Thing 2 into my mouth and now I am fighting my own battle with the crud. On top of that, Thing 1 has been trying on his naughty hat pretty much every day and has spent a great deal of time alone in his room. I even took away all of his toys at one point. Not only does he have a chronic hacking cough which wakes him up at 5:30 every morning, he has been effing LOUD, super hyper and he has been testing the abilities of different objects to see if they have baseball bat capabilities. The problem with that is that he has been testing them out on the heads of his cute little girl friend and his baby brother. Needless to say, Mama is cooked. I wake up every morning to the ridiculously loud noises of my already awake children and I pass out every night, beat up from another day of constant high volume chaos.

This morning, my body woke up at 4:30 am and screamed "I'm awake for the day you lazy bitch! Let's GO!" Even though I ignored this call of Satan until 5 am, I submitted and went for a brisk early morning walk with the Red Dog, which killed two birds with one stone: 1. I completed my exercise for the day and 2. I had some much quiet needed time alone to think.

While I walked in the light of the full moon and looked at the constellations, I reflected many things, but mainly I was thinking about how fucking cold my thighs were. Then I considered buying myself some decent long underwear or flannel lined jeans. Then I wondered if anyone still made flannel lined jeans because they probably weren't great sellers seeing as how they would make a woman look like she gained 15 pounds in her lower half. So I continued to stride out with my legs quickly turning into blocks of ice as Red Dog sniffed out all the beguiling scents of coyote piss and goose shit nature.

As I rounded the corner of the path... alone....on this silent dark morning, technically still night in my book, and saw the reflection of the full moon in the still water of the pond, complete with steam rising, I realized that it was eerily quiet and I should have never watched that werewolf movie and I picked up my pace.

I might as well have been strolling by this....

Then my mind turned to the reality that my Things have been tag-teaming to wear me out. Seriously, I am exhausted Every. Single. Day. I wake up tired and I plug through the day, one step behind them cleaning up messes and listening to them laugh and shriek and throw things and break toys and cry and then I feed them again and clean up more messes and so on and so forth. That is when the fantasies started about the years when my boys are a little older and in school. Then I was all I could even send them to boarding school in Switzerland! and then I realized that wanting sending children away is what every "evil" woman does in the movies.  So I revised my thinking to: I won't send them AWAY, just to a local boarding school where I could see them on weekends.... And maybe that woman isn't evil, she just wants some time with her husband without little needy screamers in the background... But then I realized that I like having dinner as a family and the bath/bedtime routine is sweet and I thought They could come home at night too.... Then I realized that the schedule that I am desiring is called "public school" and I felt all sad thinking about how very soon both boys will be gone five days a week to school and I started thinking that I would actually like one day a week dedicated to one-on-one time with each child and two days of week of family time and three days a week where I can be alone for 8 hours straight to clean and straighten and write and draw and finish an ever loving thought.

That is when I returned to the day dream that is my go-to feel-good image: the one where I am wealthy and fit and have time and boobs and a part time nanny and my husband and I take exotic sexy vacations to balmy beaches and we travel with our children (and nanny) to history rich destinations and eat decadent food that no one is allergic to and I felt better.

I then returned home to have coffee and a shower and I felt slightly recharged and almost human so that I can actually ENJOY my children today instead of fantasizing about being AWAY from them. And if that fails, there is always book club tonight.

I remember this moment was enjoyable- maybe I'll shoot for this today.


  1. Don't be sick! This is why I am a strong supporter of "mouth sanitizer," i.e. vodka.

    You just keep on keeping on. Your kids will be in public school or Hogwarts soon enough.

  2. YOU TOOK A SHOWER TODAY??? You win, obviously!!

    As to the sickies, have you tried Airborne? I swear to the stuff. It's a tablet (like alka seltzer) you drop in some water and then drink. If you want to drop it in vodka, that probably works as well. Anyway, it is like a super booster of vitamins and shit that keeps you well when you start to feel not so well. Try it.

    Have you thought about a part time pre-school or something? Maybe just for the oldest one. Like twice a week. That would give you a bit of a break and hopefully not break the bank. Do they have any around you, out in bumfuck, USA? Might wanna look into that.

  3. L.L.Bean sells flannel-lined jeans. They ain't cheap, but they look awful comfy.

    Look. Being a mother is HARD. I have 6 year-old identical girls twins and they have been doing their damnedest to kill since before they were born. And I'm not even joking; I just had neurosurgery to remove a blown disk and fuse two vertebrae. An injury I received the day after the girls were born. I've also had arthritis and tendinitis repaired, also gifts from my precious baby girls. But they are beautiful and sweet children, albeit with a shit ton of energy that I love beyond all reason. It *does* get better when they are in school. You get some time for yourself and you can keep your house a bit neater, which does wonders for your self-esteem.

    So, hang tough. Right now, you are "in the trenches" as my husband likes to say. It won't always be like this. The day will come when you don't want to cry, you are so tired, feed the kids frozen pizza, 'cause you just can't face cooking, drink excessive amounts of Pinot Grigio (substitute tipple of choice) to self-medicate.

    Pre-school/daycare a couple of days a week, if you can swing it, is a godsend! We put the girls in daycare 3 days a week when they were 18 months old. I was reluctant to do it, but wow! What a relief! I kicked myself for waiting as long as I did. At first, I dropped 'em off and went back home to sleep. But as I got better rested, I started having the energy to do stuff 'round the house and cook, which I love.

    Rah-rah, my sister! You can make it!

  4. It's not only evil mothers who advocate sending the children to Switzerland for school. My own mother is a bad example, but Elizabeth Taylor's character in Giant, who was very much the heroine and caring mother, was strenuously advocating Switzerland boarding school for her provincial, whorey daughter. That might have had more to do with education in rural TX and less to do with Switzerland, however.

  5. Ugh! That frickin' Crud will get you every time!! I daydream your same wonderful fantasy too...only with me and my Hubby not you and yours!
    You DO know that the children conspire against us most days?! They just want to see if we will actually crack. And the school thing isn't any more fun....teenagers throw tantrums too! But they do it with an eye-roll and a "duh! You're so stupid!" attitude. Endearing really!

  6. @Floozy- Ahhhh, Vodka and Public School in the same comment. Coincidence? I think not.
    @Misty- The shower really was a win. I'll check into Airborne. And Thing 1 is in preschool 3 mornings a week, which is normally when I exercise or go to the grocery store- he loves school and it is his best behavior of the week (which simulataneously pleases and annoys me) P.S. I moved from Bumfuck to Ft. Collins, CO and there is a DWS and a Super Target one mile from my house. I thought that you might appreciate that since you and Jen are planning a visit.... :)
    @Jennifer- Your words are very kind and encouraging. Thank you so much. And I am truly humbled by anyone raising twins. You guys deserve an extra cookie for sure.
    @cpmcaf- I knew that I was like Elizabeth Taylor!! And I vow to go forth and use the word whorey at least 4 times today.
    @Crystal- Oh yes, I look forward to the teen age years.

  7. Posts like this are why I keep reading your blog.

    That, and other comments like mouth sanitizer. Heh.