This morning, my body woke up at 4:30 am and screamed "I'm awake for the day you lazy bitch! Let's GO!" Even though I ignored this call of Satan until 5 am, I submitted and went for a brisk early morning walk with the Red Dog, which killed two birds with one stone: 1. I completed my exercise for the day and 2. I had some much quiet needed time alone to think.
While I walked in the light of the full moon and looked at the constellations, I reflected many things, but mainly I was thinking about how fucking cold my thighs were. Then I considered buying myself some decent long underwear or flannel lined jeans. Then I wondered if anyone still made flannel lined jeans because they probably weren't great sellers seeing as how they would make a woman look like she gained 15 pounds in her lower half. So I continued to stride out with my legs quickly turning into blocks of ice as Red Dog sniffed out all the beguiling scents of
As I rounded the corner of the path... alone....on this silent dark morning, technically still night in my book, and saw the reflection of the full moon in the still water of the pond, complete with steam rising, I realized that it was eerily quiet and I should have never watched that werewolf movie and I picked up my pace.
|I might as well have been strolling by this....|
Then my mind turned to the reality that my Things have been tag-teaming to wear me out. Seriously, I am exhausted Every. Single. Day. I wake up tired and I plug through the day, one step behind them cleaning up messes and listening to them laugh and shriek and throw things and break toys and cry and then I feed them again and clean up more messes and so on and so forth. That is when the fantasies started about the years when my boys are a little older and in school. Then I was all I could even send them to boarding school in Switzerland! and then I realized that wanting sending children away is what every "evil" woman does in the movies. So I revised my thinking to: I won't send them AWAY, just to a local boarding school where I could see them on weekends.... And maybe that woman isn't evil, she just wants some time with her husband without little needy screamers in the background... But then I realized that I like having dinner as a family and the bath/bedtime routine is sweet and I thought They could come home at night too.... Then I realized that the schedule that I am desiring is called "public school" and I felt all sad thinking about how very soon both boys will be gone five days a week to school and I started thinking that I would actually like one day a week dedicated to one-on-one time with each child and two days of week of family time and three days a week where I can be alone for 8 hours straight to clean and straighten and write and draw and finish an ever loving thought.
That is when I returned to the day dream that is my go-to feel-good image: the one where I am wealthy and fit and have time and boobs and a part time nanny and my husband and I take exotic sexy vacations to balmy beaches and we travel with our children (and nanny) to history rich destinations and eat decadent food that no one is allergic to and I felt better.
I then returned home to have coffee and a shower and I felt slightly recharged and almost human so that I can actually ENJOY my children today instead of fantasizing about being AWAY from them. And if that fails, there is always book club tonight.
|I remember this moment was enjoyable- maybe I'll shoot for this today.|