Thursday, November 17, 2011

Canine and Kid Training 101

People often say things like "I'm a ________(Fill in the blank with Kid/Dog/Horse/Cat/whatever) person". I've always known that I wasn't a "kid person". I used to think I was a "furry/hairy animal person" (no reptiles thankyouverymuch), but honestly, I no longer know what I am.

Every time I hear my dogs barking and see them chasing a jogger/horseback rider/car/scary ugly man, I remember how I used to be a good dog owner, maybe even a "dog person", but that time has since blown away with the wind; along with my time to exercise, my sleep, my sanity and some shingles from the roof of our pathetic and decrepit garage. The problem is, Brock and I have had the dogs since the pre-kids era. In fact, we have had them just long enough to properly ruin them so that no one in their right minds would take them. Plus they seem to love us and shit like that.

Okay. We are kind of fond of those hairy beasts too.... especially the red one. Have I mentioned before that she is my favorite?

"Oh, hi. I'm not cute at all. Ball? Ball? Ball?"
Okay, the black one is cute too, in a kind of pathetic way.

"Don't you know that cameras steal your soul? Stop pointing
that thing at me!"
 So both of my dogs have this joyous little ritual of standing at our east fence and barking incessantly at anything that is going on in the neighbor's yard. Thanks to their giant black German Shepard that does the same thing, they can't complain. This barkathon happens multiple times a day, so much so that one of Thing 1's first phrases was to yell "DOGS! QUIET!" at the top of his lungs. Good thing we stopped calling them "Shit For Brains" soon after I brought my new baby home from the hospital (where I know the nurses were laughing at me because I asked them to show me how to change a diaper. And I was dead fucking serious.)

So today I forced the children out of the house to "get the freshness". As I was cleaning the truck load of leaves and branches from the front porch that said "Welcome! Don't mind the mess- we're pretty lazy. In fact, please pump the septic tank while you are here.",  I heard the dogs start their chorus of woofs, but I heard another level of sound chiming in with this melody. It was my human offspring, bundled up like cast members of "A Christmas Story", standing at the fence and yelling at the neighbors in between the yapping of the dogs. Both boys and both dogs were in a little gang, eyes focused on the people and animals next door, unfurling sharp noises at their top volume. Did I mention that they were located directly in front of our garage? The one that looks like the location for the next "Saw" movie? It was like a scene from "West Side Story, the Hill Billy Edition". The image was quiet charming, I assure you.

My work here is obviously done. My quest to find my vocation has presented itself on a silver platter. I will be opening both a doggie day care and a childcare service soon, as I am clearly well-qualified for both, especially at the same time.

In all seriousness, today I have discovered the kind of person that I am: I am apparently a "Laundry" person.

First enlightenment, then the laundry....

Peace Out,


  1. Yeah, I am so not a dog person. Anything that licks my face and shoves its nose in my crotch has to at least buy me dinner first.

  2. nice to know it's not just my dogs that bark at all things moving except the wind as if they rule the planet. my gold lab looks just like your black dog, eternally confused their expression. their eyes say, "wait-what?!" found you thru jen. love your blog!

  3. I'm NOT a dog person. I thought I was...turns out I'm really not. I think I am the "cleaning, laundry, butt-wiping, kid-disciplining, mom-taxiing, food cooking" person!

  4. I used to think I was a dog person, pre-kids. Now I hate my dog. Ok, fine, I don't hate her. I just want her to leave me alone and stop existing. Better, right? She is obnoxious and I just can't deal. I focus all of my care giving energies on my human children and just don't have any left for the furry one. She barks all the time and wants to go in and out of the house 28 times a day . . . "I'm in? Bark! Bark! I want out! . . . I'm out? Bark! Bark! Back in!" Repeat, ad nauseum. And if you don't immediately give her what she wants, she will start destroying shit to show her displeasure at your lack of immediate action. She is such a bitch.

    Oh, and West Side Story, Hillbilly edition was freaking funny. Maybe your kiddies and the neighbor's can get into a dance scuffle. I expect training and then video post haste, Johi. Get on that shit. That is gold in the making!

  5. So my parents 5 dogs bark at the from the west side of our house, at the mountains, wind, deer, cats, coyotes, rabits, grass. . ... They live in easter CO. Maybe their barking at your dogs/kids?
    Also I've been told my uncle used to bark at my grandparents house guests back when he couldn't grow facial hair.

    Thought you should know.

  6. Jen- Blahaha! Maybe a shorter dog?
    Namaste-WELCOME! I think Black Dog actually does bark at the wind. :)
    Crystal- One too many responsibilities for you. You'll be a dog person again. Like when all your children grow up and leave home.
    Misty- Red Dog pants really loud and sometimes I say "Please stop breathing", but I don't mean it. Black Dog is the one that will sneak into your room at night (she knows how to open all the doors in the house), settle in and start the licking. Oh EM GEE.
    @TatterCat- Maybe they are barking at your parent's dogs..... hmmm . And is your Uncle's name Brock? Because then all the puzzle pieces would fit nicely together.....