Monday, October 31, 2011

Yes. I'm Still Here. Barely.

There is a good reason that I have been absent from this blog and all of yours. A few of them, actually.

We returned from our trip to Kansas and immediately Thing 1 was sick, so naturally Thing 2 also caught the snot-laden virus. Then my laptop broke so instead of reading your blogs or writing my own for entertainment, I did 800 loads of laundry. Then we had a snowstorm which produced about a foot of heavy, wet, branch breaking snow. We lost a few trees, many branches and our power for THREE MOTHERFUCKING DAYS.

Isn't an early winter motherfucking magical? The answer is no.

 It was cold. The kids were sick.Thing 1 was acting rabid, snorting his phlegm, hurting his brother, back talking and spending most of his day in time out. Thing 2 was shrieking non-stop and has now fallen (or been pushed) off of every piece of furniture that we own. And I had no coffee. But because Brock is a *grunt* man, he made power with a generator that he picked up at a man store. He restored the heat, refrigerator, coffee pot (bless him) and some lights, but we still had no hot water.  Then I too felt like I needed to prove my worth so I made a snow witch with Thing 1.

"Okay, just put the snow there.... no not there....
okay....maybe mommy should do this part....
no don't touch that part!....Perfect! thanks
for helping little buddy... "
I'm the best mother ever.

She was only with us for a day.
R.I.P. Snow Witch.
 The Snow Witch mother-son bonding was so successful ("I want DADDY to read to me....") that I felt like I deserved a break so I went out on the town with my girlfriend who called herself  Matilda all night, but looks strangely like my other friend Sarah.

"Tilly" posing with a fish sculpture.
 We went into a nearby bar to warm up after the ice belly flop (I was cold just watching) and Tilly looked around, sighed and said, "I wish there were weirder people in here." which made me laugh, yet we decided to stay when we saw a dude handling a giant stand-up bass near the stage.

Tilly ordered a dirty martini, took a sip and said, "Mmmmmmm! Isn't that good? It tastes like adultness." and I ate all the olives and agreed that "adultness" tasted delicious. Then Tilly told me that she never liked olives. In fact, she grouped a few things by flavor and put olives in the flavor group of: dolphins, stingrays and boobs. Naturally.

 I was pretty fancy with my four-day unwashed hair and two day unwashed body. Ice cold showers are not for wimps and I took one and immediately made myself a name tag that said : Hello, my name is WIMP. Apparently I was giving off some feral smelling "woman-scent" because the unthinkable happened. Some poor lost man attempted to "pick me up". He wasn't drunk and he even had all of his teeth, which was a first for me. It made me think that maybe I have been washing myself too often all these years.  I sweetly declined then took to the dance floor to teach Tilly how to two step to some great Bluegrass music.

Let's be honest, who wouldn't want this?
And why did I decline those braces that my parents offered me?
Refreshed from an evening away, I returned home to my war zone of a lawn, train wreck of a house, and still unruly children and immediately felt overwhelmed again.

I see many good times ahead.... and a visit the chiropractor.
 So I "handled the situation" by putting costumes on myself and the kids and took them to bunch of fun Halloween activities because I am an awesome mother!

Dash from the Incredibles.
He loves Daddy the most.

The beardless Garden Gnome.
He loves Daddy the most too.

I'm Belinda the 80's Mullet Witch.
I'm riding my invisible broom...
what did you think I was doing?
 Then I returned home and the lawn was still filled with 57 truck loads of leaves and a football field full of broken branches and the house was still a pig sty and the kids were still acting horribly, but this time they felt entitled to fun activities all the time. So I did what everyone does, I yelled at my broken ribbed husband to freaking HELP me (clear the counters and discipline the children) and I ripped apart the mudroom closet.... and the laundry closet.... and the broom closet, and then organized them all until I felt better.

Then we put on our costumes and went to a party.

Sonny and Cher.... and a garden gnome.

Then I spent the evening taking pictures of Brock's butt swathed in a four inch piece of plaid fabric and I truly did feel like, once again, all is right with the world.
Until today. Which I don't want to talk about.

You are welcome.

Happy Halloween from Belinda the 80's Mullet Witch.


  1. FUck snow!! Seriously. Fuck it. And no hot water. Fuck that too. And I really want to stroke your husbands furry vest.

    P.S You make a hot Cher, even though I hate her she-man singing voice. I'd do ya stinky Johi.

  2. Damn, now you have me feeling all hot and bothered over here putting all those sexy pictures of you on your site. No fair, lady. No fair.

    My oldest was Dash last year. Your 2 are super cute. The garden gnome is epic.

    Hang in there. Just pretend you're French and have lots of wine and stinky cheese. They never bathe either, so you are all good.

  3. At least when they're teenagers boys still love their moms and think their dads are complete tools. Or so I'm told. . .I'm kinda banking on that shit.

    Your friend Sarah is magical. I need to go out with you two crazy bitches. :)

  4. Yay! I am glad you are back!

  5. That is a fabulous snow witch - the best I've ever seen! And I love the Sonny and Cher costumes, I adore when couples coordinate!

  6. That adorable little gnome with Sonny and Cher totally makes that picture! (Y'all look great!)

  7. @Bex- You always know just what to say.
    @Misty- Don't hate me because I am beautiful.
    @Jen- Magical is the perfect word for Sarah- and we would welcome you with open arms.
    @Tova- I heart you.
    @Megan- Gee thanks! Once again, I'm putting that art degree to good use.
    @Jo- FIrst of all, I love your name. And that gnome IS about the cutest thing ever. :)