Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Is there a medication for this?

I hate to talk about my problems, but I have something that I need to get off my chest.

There is something wrong with me.
I'm plagued with a disease.
Don't worry though, I've been living with it all my life.
I'm not sure what the technical medical terminology is, but I call it Chronic Lateness.

Image from coolcoozies.co.uk

I hate it... I try to change it.... yet I can't shake it.

When I am late (which is 90% of the time), not only do I tend to piss off people, but I also irritate myself which causes me to  sweat profusely. To add to the problem, I almost always get stuck behind about four different drivers going under the mothereffing speed limit. Seriously, usually four different vehicles all driving like they are part of a parade or a funeral procession. And I swear, their one and only goal is to BE IN FRONT OF ME, because often they are the same dillwad driving 55 mph through the roundabout so that I cannot enter, yet they go 30 mph in the 50 mph zone. And no I don't yell at them, nor do I flip them off because I am a motherfucking lady, yo. Plus I have small children in the car so I am normally too busy changing the radio station to a song that is not about some one's ass and do not have time to think up my own substitute words for "OMFG, stop drooling on yourself, get yer head out of yer ass and FUCKING DRIVE" . And there is that last time that I flew the bird at a sorry excuse for a licensed driver, then seconds later I realized that the person I directed it at was super duper old and looked like driving was making them nervous and I felt like a disrespectful asshat, because we should always respect our elders no matter how horribly they drive. Unless they are only a tiny bit older, like Pauly Shore or something, because that shit is fair game.

Image from wired.com
Just smile and wave. She can't see you anyway.

Because I am like Pollyanna- the perpetual optimist- I like to think that the stress being Chronically Late raises my metabolism and helps me burn calories, but I'm pretty sure all it does is raise my blood pressure and leave pit stains on my shirts.

I honestly don't know the root of this Chronic Lateness. Have I not figured out the art of time management yet? Like, did I forget how long it takes me to get my "going into public" hair and face on? Or maybe I just can't tell time (I struggle with that whole Left and Right business and telling time is way more complicated than that...)? Or maybe I just drag my feet because I don't like to leave my house for I am a truly a hermit who is merely in disguise as an "outgoing people person"? Maybe, just maybe on the inside I am a 567 pound woman who merely wants to be left alone to eat cheese puffs, talk to her cats and watch "her shows".

Oddly enough, with all the Chronic Lateness in my life, I am almost ALWAYS early to book club- we have wine there.... and converse freely in a kid-free zone.

Hmmmmm..... if you have any suggestions on combating this Medical Catastrophe that torments me, please let me know. And don't tell me to get off of facebook, I've had this problem long before the existence of facebook. I've been afflicted with this "disease" since the existence of PacMan, The Loveboat and John Hughes films.

Oh Shit! Look at the time- Gotta go!

------->But before I do, on an unrelated subject:
Why does Thing 1 turn EVERYTHING that he plays with into a gun?
Yesterday he found a blue polka dotted ribbon and turned it into an automatic weapon.
I think he destroyed an entire city with it.

When did this turn into a weapon of mass destruction?


  1. 1. He's a boy. I think it is in the male DNA to destroy everything they touch and turn every object into a weapon.

    2. It always seems that if I am running late, there is some divine punishment that makes every slow moving car get in front of me. Even if 1 slow moving car turns off of the road and I'm like "Yes, speed racer!" somehow I immediately get behind another slow moving car. And this continues over and over until I am at my destination. It never fails. I really think someone up there is plunking down these assholes right in front of me to punish me for my heathen ways. Why must I be such an unrepentant sinner? I bet I would fly through those roads if I was holier. Then again, maybe I would be tasked to be the slow ass driver in front of another sinner. Nevermind then!

  2. I too am afflicted (infected? Whatevs) with Chronic Lateness.

    It doesn't bode well during the week since I have a 9 - 5 job (well, 7:30 to 4, but you get the point)

    On days my boss won't be here, I tend to sleep in about 10 extra minutes. Cause he isn't there to give me the judgy eyes.

    I am late for work, late for lunch with friends everyday, late getting home, late getting to bed.

    And HOLY FUCK I get stuck behind those same damn people EVERY morning! I mean, maybe THEY don't have chronic lateness, but I do...so move the eff over freak face!!

    My friends that I end up having plans with will tell me to be somewhere an hour earlier than everyone else...that way I show up "late" - at the same time as everyone else. That is starting to not work as much though now - cause I just figure everyone is telling me the wrong time so I end up an hour late for everything.

    I am ill. I need some good happy pills and a drink. :)

  3. The secret to chronic lateness is a husband who is good at lying to you and changing clocks when you are not looking, to all be 5 minutes early. Because if you change them, you know you have 5 extra minutes.

  4. "Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." -Evelyn Waugh

  5. Of course I'm always late too. My best advice is to look cute when you finally do arrive and pull out your "series of "fall back" remarks" from your post "I should probably just stop talking. Dream on". Any of the remarks in your list would work as a fall back excuse for being late too! Just don't do the licking glass one if your kids are with you...
    1.) they may copy you and 2.) you may have your children removed by the state for the safety of the children.

  6. It's normal for boys to do that. I got a paper back from my son's teacher yesterday that asked him to stop writing stories about fighting (he was writing about some scene from Harry Potter)and now I'm certain she doesn't have kids of her own, and if she does they are girls.

  7. My mother had this disease when I was growing up, but where I come from, we called it JPT - Jewish People Time. I believe the line was something like "We're God's chosen people, nu? We'll still be his chosen people in 5 minutes." And then we'd be 30 minutes late.

    As an adult, I've developed a complex about this and show up to everything a minimum of 30+ minutes early. So obviously you just need to develop some nice Jewish guilt.

  8. Set your clocks ahead by 7 minutes. That helps me. Plus I am Catholic and German. My dad always said, "If you aren't a half hour early, you're LATE!" Try to get that message out of your brain.

  9. Ohhmigod, I am so chronically punctual I practically implode an ovary if I'm not 15 minutes EARLY for things. So I don't get you there. . .

    But the gun thing, WTF!? The other day J fashioned a semiautomatic out of some Tinker Toys and a maxipad. The boy's like freakin' McGuyver!

  10. @Misty- 1. Yes and 2. Yes squared.
    @Joie- Maybe it is because we share a name? IDK, but I understood everything you were saying. It is like I am late for my life.
    @Tova- I'm going to tell Brock to start lying to me- no... wait....
    @Rebecca- Thank you. I love that. I'm now putting it on my facebook page.
    @Sarah- Does wet hair in a bun count as cute? Because if not, I'm screwed.
    @Paula- My mom gets all judgy of my wild boys, but she raised two (clearly) perfect daughters, so what does she know?
    @Heather- Maybe I'm Jewish?
    @Wendi- I've done the clock thing in the past. I might have to go back to that. Do we have the same Dad?
    @Jen- My ovaries are so screwed. And I love it that your son is playing with maxi pads. :)

  11. One of my friends started lying to me about what time things start. Like whatever time she actually wants me to be somewhere, she tells me it starts a half hour earlier. And I'm usually still late. I blame my kid even though everyone knows that isn't really the reason.

  12. @Jaclyn- I really want to blame my kids too but anyone who has known me "pre-kids" knows that is bs. I think it is just that I am soooo sloooowwwww in the morning and the residual effect of that pace lasts all day.