Friday, October 14, 2011

I should probably just stop talking. Dream on.

"I used to think all the time, then I had kids and I kind of stopped thinking. But fortunately I never stopped talking!" ~Johi

I'm going to admit something to you all that will probably come as quite a shock; I say a lot of really ignorant things.

I speak without thinking, I speed read without comprehending, I listen.... but not really, and then I weigh in! Because everyone wants to know what I have to say! Right? Huh? I know. I have higher expectations of myself too.

Luckily I have a series of "fall back" remarks that I feel are the equivalent of a pink sparkly magic wand that erase blame. Nifty huh?

For instance:
  • "I'm blonde." *tee hee hee. titter titter. smoker's cough. hairball.*
  • "I went to Art School."
  • "Having children melted my brain."
  • "I suffer from CRS*" *Can't Remember Shit
  • "I wasn't paying attention" and/or "I'm not a good listener."
  • "I like cheese."
  • "Yeah, but did you see my boots?"
  • "I'm sorry, I wasn't wearing my glasses. Could you repeat the question?"
  • "OMG! Did you see Top Model the other night?"
  • *licks glass and sings softly to herself while gazing at the ceiling*

As much as I would like to tell myself that I always strike people as intelligent, witty and charming, I know that sometimes a first impression of me is like a quick trip through the Twilight Zone; one with an ill-timed bathroom break and a theme song by CW McCall on 8-track playing in the background.

Like that one time, when I had just met some dude. I don't remember his name or why I met him (see excuse number 5 above), but I do recall that he told me that he was from Johnstown (a city here in Colorado) and I immediately thought of the giant truck stop called Johnson's Corner that is about 15 minutes from my house that is known for their giant cinnamon rolls and all I could think about was drippy icing and public showers and waitresses named Wanda and I excitedly said to him "Ohhh! I love the cinnamon rolls there!!!!!" *awkward pause* This dude from JOHNSTOWN, not the truck stop called Johnson's Corner, just looked at me like I had stripped naked and performed a Russian Folk Dance with a hot pink rooster perched on my head. I didn't even acknowledge my error but instead looked out across the landscape, played with my hair and started rambling about the state of the cornfields. What was the point? I felt that not only did my hair color speak for itself, but I also had already impressed enough people that day. No actually, I felt ashamed and a bit guilty of my too-quick-to-speak-cinnamon-roll-fantasizing faux pas and if I could go back to that conversation (or the many, many, many like it), I would remember to mention the good coffee, too.

As much as I use, hence obviously adore, my plethora of ludicrous excuses, what truly pleases me is my unabashed friend Sarah, who makes no excuses whatsoever for herself. This sort of business, and the way she can insult a person while simultaneously charming them, are only a tiny sampling of the many reasons why I treasure her friendship and hang out with her basically every day. Like yesterday, which was craft day and today was pumpkins and tomorrow is shopping and drinking. What? So anyway, according to Sarah, you own it and live in the moment. You see, Sarah is not blonde, so she has to rely on things like actual humor and intelligence to get her by. I know. I feel sorry for her too. But don't expect her to feel like life cheated her out of anything.

 "I never feel guilty. It is not in my nature. Life is too short to feel guilt. I don't regret anything either. I used to regret kissing a guy in a bar one night and I realized it was just a kiss in a bar and I stopped regretting it." ~Sarah

Not only is Sarah not blonde, she was obviously also not raised Catholic.

~How do you get yourself out of a situation where you spoke unwisely? And how do you get yourself to stop thinking about really good cinnamon rolls?


  1. I'm always talking when I should just SHUT THE HELL UP but unfortunately I have this horrible disease called IDONTGIVEAF*#%. It gets me in a lot of trouble. Someone should give me a placard to hang around my neck to warn the other humans.

  2. Awesome. I'll bet The Cotton Floozy could make something for both you and me. haha!

  3. I say I'm sorry, I'm deaf in that ear. Can you talk into the other one?

    When I'm drunk my BFF says it for me.

  4. I'm sorry, what was the question? I glazed over at the mention of cinnamon rolls. (Glazed, get it?! Sorry my dogs woke me up early on a Saturday morning (=my excuse for general neurotic-icity (yeah, it's a word))).

  5. Sarah is the BOMB! Oh, and that guy was a douche for his response to your comment...everyone knows the only cool thing about Johnstown is that it is the home of Johnson's Corner truck stop! duh!

  6. Oh sweet Baby Jeebus on a cinnamon roll, you've heard about 90% of what comes out of my and my friends mouths. I do not judge.

  7. Jesk knows her shit. 'Nuff said!

  8. I tend to accidentally say insensitive things when I'm trying to sound clever in public situations.

    I get upset about this.

    But then I remember a friend who told the most HORRIFIC holocaust-related joke you have ever heard (the kind that is so awful you laugh out of sheer shock)... to someone who turned out to be Jewish.

  9. @Sharon- I initially read that as "I'm drunk in that ear"- either way, I like it.
    @Flooze- I like neurotic-icity.
    @jesk- *virtual fist pump!*
    @Jen- I feel so at home in your posts about you and your friends conversations. Love them. Love you.
    @Sarah- Hells yeah!
    @Ifbyyes- Me too. Me too. But what I really want to know is: What happened to your joke-telling friend?

  10. I am kind of notorious for saying every thought that enters my head out loud. It doesn't always serve me well... like the time a few weeks ago when I called the VP of my company a "little bitch boy" because he wouldn't eat candy out of the communal candy dish because he's a little germophobic. I was very lucky that he had a sense of humor about it, but that isn't always the case.

  11. Im naturally pretty quiet/reserved, but when I get all liquored up, bad things happen to the brain/mouth connection. And I have this weird habit of saying things that arent entirely true.

    Not like... major lies, but weird little falsehoods that I totally dont even mean and dont make any difference. Things like "Oh, sometimes I leave my bike at work at take the metro home." What? No I dont. I hate the metro. Where did that COME from?

  12. I can never stop thinking about cinnamon rolls. Mmmmm . . . gooey deliciousness.

    Sorry, what was the question again?