Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I say the underwear ALWAYS goes on first.

.....and then we all got the stomach flu.

So the weekend was filled with purging and upheaval and I didn't even get to clean out any closets.

Luckily it hit the kids first, so there were two capable parents to tend to the needs of the children. Unluckily, it hit Brock and I at almost the exact same time. Brock at 10:45 p.m. and me at 11:55 p.m. on Sunday night. Then he was done and drifted off to dreamland while I was back up every hour until 5:40 a.m. -including the hour that consisted of me trying to comfort a screaming baby and having to throw him back into his crib while still shrieking because I had that familiar mouth watering feeling (Brock was lying in bed because "being up" made him dizzy~ which he told me all about in a overly dramatic man-is-ill-probably-dying-at-any-moment fashion). I swear. I got every freaking detail. Every. Single. One.
Yay.

So as I was lying in bed this morning, I hear the sound of my husband rummaging through his drawer. Mistakenly, I sat up and said "Can I help you find something?" only to be greeted by the sight of my husband's pasty naked arse peeking at me out from under his tee-shirt. I was not ready. You see, we have "discussed" this multiple time. The conversation has gone like so:

Me: Please stop wearing a shirt with no pants or underwear. It's creepy.
Him: But I'm cold.
Me: Then you should put on pants.
Him: But it's comfortable.
Me: I don't give a fuck what it feels like. Just stop. For the sake of our sex life. Stop. If you are going to be without bottoms, you need to be shirtless too. It is the way it works for men.
Him: Fine.
Me: While we are on the subject, you can't wear "just socks" either.
Him: Whatever.

And I hoped that I would never witness that kind of Shirt-But-No-Pants horror again.

In his defense, the poor man was in the middle of getting dressed and apparently out of clean underwear. Although... it didn't seem like that much time had gone by since I had washed our clothes... but I had spent the last few days washing only the children's items, seeing as they had been the ones puking on their bedding. So I momentarily forgave him of his peek-a-boo booty and jumped out of bed to help him find some bottoms ASAP. And when I reached into the drawer I immediately found not one, but FIVE pair of clean underwear. FIVE. I didn't even dig. Like, at all.

Shirt with no pants: Not excused. Major Foul.

Man's lack of ability to see things directly in front of them: Fucking mind boggling.

Image of my husband in his "comfy outfit": Burned into my brain. Forever.

Guess what I did today? I washed ALL of his underwear.

DAILY TIP: To you men out there. Here is the proper order of getting dressed: UNDERWEAR. Pause, show pecs and abs, then add pants, flex, then shirt, and lastly, socks. Sexy? Yes. Difficult? No.

P.S. Hey guys! The fucking can opener is in the fucking utensil drawer where it has been for the last fucking 14 years.

P.P.S. I read this to Brock for his approval pre-posting. His response was to defend his nasty shirt-no-pants habit with "But it is kind of like playing double duty; you keep warm but you are ready for action at any minute."
I started laughing and said ,"But you are not going to GET ANY ACTION Brock! That is my point!"
He said, "You don't know that!"
To which I responded solemnly, "Oh, but I do."

Love Wins,
Johi

17 comments:

  1. Oh the mental pictures in my head!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm of the mindset that it's part and parcel of that 'birth defect' called the Y chromosome.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Men.
    Mine can't ever find anything either, and I'm often accused of 'moving things around', or it's because he isn't wearing his glasses. Yeah, fine, what-ever...
    Thank goodness we don't have the shirt with no pants problem as well (shudder), just the no clothes at all problem. I don't know, it's like they can't bear to keep the goods under wraps.

    Hope you are all feeling better!! Bleh, sucks to be sick.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Husband will reach into his draw everyday of the week and then on the day that he reaches in and discovers there are NO underwear in the drawer is when he wakes me from a dead sleep to announce that he is entirely OUT of underwear.

    Uhmmm...could you of told me that yesterday when you took the LAST pair in the drawer out? Maybe?

    He does the same exact thing with his deoderant. The conversation has actually had the sentence 'I've only been out of deoderant for a week now, I have been using your deoderant, can you go by the store tonight and get me some'. Seriously?! The second time you used mine you couldn't of remembered to tell me?

    ReplyDelete
  5. A shirt and no underwear is just strange, but at least he's ready for action...he should at least get a gold star for that.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You do realize that none of things are actually important to men right? Clean underwear is concept invented by women, even underwear at.. completely optional. I'm still not sure what importance they actually have. However, there is not a lot more fun than putting on underwear and then getting to flex. So just for the fun part, I agree with your rules, but if it takes longer than 60 secs to find underwear in the underwear drawer, than its time to put on pants and then flex... And stop moving the can opener!! that is soo annoying! Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  7. There is totally an order to getting dressed and for me it is balance- all the underthings (bottom to top) then the outer things. I Can't put pants on If i can't find my bra, because then it would be bottom heavy. Crazy? Me? naaaahhh

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hahah love it.

    Mine likes to walk into the bedroom in the morning butt naked after his shower so that I wake up to that thing all wet and drippy and floppy. Starts my day off right every morning...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Tova-totally with you on that dressing order. Unders on first. Overs on after.

    Johi-oh god, I think we are married to the same man. When will men realize that walking around in just a T-shirt is only sexy if you are a chic? This morning I was in the bathroom getting ready for work and he walked in in his freaking half shirt and it was like "good morning, here are my balls!" Getting smacked in the eyeballs first thing in the AM by brain is not my idea of a fun wake up ritual. And he just will walk around like that, all as you please and it is disturbing. He sleeps in just a shirt and will actually take off the underwear when getting in bed but leave the shirt on. He is the weirdest. And no, it is not sexy time when I see that. No. it. is. not.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Tex- I hope that you really did LOL. Because then I did my job.
    @Mrs. Woog- Try being me. I witnessed it with thine own eyes.
    @Ach- Awesome! Write that shit down! Oh, you just did!
    @Moxie- I prefer no clothes to the fucking shirt-no-pants bs. No contest. In fact, I would welcome and applaud the complete nudity.
    @Tina- Make Husband wear a dry erase board around his neck, then he will remember to write all that stuff down!
    @Paula- I'll tell him that you said that. It will make his day.
    @Indy- Thank you for your colorful and unique male perspective in my estrogen dominant blog. Keep it coming! And the can opener is RIGHT THERE (just as the underwear were...)
    @TOva- I agree 100%, except socks generally go on last.
    @Heather- Wet and drippy and floppy= me snorting.
    @Misty- Maybe they were separated at birth? Because you just described the first 3 years of our relationship. ANd then the "No Sexy Time" started to really hit home and he clued in. Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Love it! I'm pretty sure I've had the exact same argument with my man which resulted in the shirt-but no pants-helicopter dance. If you've never seen it, I don't recommend it.

    I've made it a point to rearrage the refrigerator and put all of the left overs I want him to eat in the front... on the top shelf... in plain sight. We all know they don't know how to look behind, under, or around objects to find anything.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The t-shirt/no boxers ensemble is how my hub prefers to sleep. He gets "too cold" not to wear a shirt, but boxers "constrict" his "junk" while he sleeps.... GROSS!! He also likes to waggle his junk at me when he gets out of the shower like he actually believes that I enjoy looking at it flopping around. Boys are stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  13. When my exhusband got a cold I heard the play-by-play of his congestion like he was reporting to the CDC on some alien pandemic. And men don't see shit. http://www.benitaepstein.com/family%20cartoons/files/page23-1000-full.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just found your blog - and it's like reading about my life lol. My lovely man has no problem being naked - it's especially delightful when he farts and I can actually HEAR his asscheeks flap together. And then he wants me to get naked. In what galaxy does a lady find that attractive??

    ReplyDelete
  15. I feel like *I've* just seen your husband's ass. This is awkward now. Can we still be friends?

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Sarcastic- Oh yes, the helicopter swing. Specialness.
    I like the left over thing. I have "mold issues" in my refrigerator because I hadn't figured that out yet.
    @Unknown- WHHHHHYYYYY? On second thought: Maybe we don't want to know why.
    @Jen- Your comment made me snort (like your comments usually do).
    @Megan- WELCOME! Ahhh, the check flap. Nothing about flapping cheeks says "Sex me up!"
    @Elizabeth- Oh course. All my closest friends have seen my ass and the majority of them have seen Brock's ass too. Welcome to the club.

    ReplyDelete