Monday, October 3, 2011

And then I proved to everyone that I am always accountable for my actions.

Dear Sarah,

At first I was secretly pleased when you called and told that that you could not power walk after we dropped off our kids at preschool today because you needed to clean your house. You see, I slept horribly because Thing 2 screamed for an hour in the middle of the night, plus I am inherently lazy so I am always prepared to squirm out of anything that requires exertion. And I also wanted to catch up on the episodes of Desperate Housewives that are on my DVR.

Since we didn't walk and I am a selfless mother, I passed on the TV and decided to take Thing 2 to the library for some quality mommy/son interaction and bonding. Except the mother effing library didn't open for half an hour, so I had 30 minutes to kill in the shopping center by the library. Some evil genius put the library right next to a bunch of horrible, boring stores like DSW and Sephora, which never have anything I like... because who likes SHOES or make-up? Oh yeah, I DO and DSW is my damned kryptonite.

So I was casually browsing sensible shoes, like black New Balance for our walks because any white sneakers that I own look like dog chew toys within two wearings. Then with an crazed gleam in my eyes I mistakenly took a wrong turn somewhere by the handbags and I accidentally got sucked into the vortex of the boot aisles. True to the boot whore that I am, I fell in love 20 times in five minutes. That was when I decided that it would be a good idea to "just try on" some styles. My slipping on genuine leather boots "just to see" is like a raging alcoholic ordering a Cosmo "just for a sip".

So I slipped my Clydesdale-esq hoof into a pair of B.O.C. that claimed the color "Whiskey" and I immediately started to drool.... not only was the color enticing, but they fit like a custom made condom. And I may have been hyper and making conversation and cracking jokes with random people in the aisle as I silently marveled how the boots transformed my giant step-sister clod-hoppers into Cinderfuckingrella's dainty feet. Then I remembered how I have never once regretted a boot purchase and I quiet easily talked myself right into spending $129 with only a minimal amount of sweating, and it is all your fault Sarah. Not only are my thighs getting bigger (and I'm certain that has NOTHING to do with the way that I am inhaling chocolate like the cure for cancer rides solely on the amount of Dove that I can consume), but I also am going to have to tell the children that NO, there will be no porridge! because mommy needed shoes. But I took my baby to the library so he can feed his mind with books and knowledge.... *cough cough*

 Again. Nice going Sarah.Why the hell did you need to clean your house today?

Unconditionally Yours,

P.S. Do you think I could power walk in these?

Whoops! Am I wearing new boots? That's weird.

P.P.S. You had better start practicing your rendition of Beast of Burden (and your moves like Jagger, for that matter).

P.P.P.S. I think I will put them on with a flirty silk nightie when I show them to Brock. I am a firm believer in the sales technique called "distraction".

See? You forgot all about the boots.... didn't you?


  1. D.S.W. Real. Leather. (Spoken in zombie like tones while wiping drool from side of mouth with cloth) Shooooeeees. Must stop for shooooeeees.

    Oh, cool ponies!

  2. Ummm...You're completely welcome!!! If you need me to clean my house while you go shoppping for that cute nighty, I could always use Thing 2's help with the cuteness factor in my house.

  3. I l-o-v-e with puffy pink glitter hearts those boots! And they are just perfect for kicking my ex in the scrot! :)

  4. Well damn Jen, I guess I'm just gonna have to go out and get me a pair now, huh? Then again, I think the steel toed ones are best for maximum castration purposes, don't you think?

    Johi, those boots rock. And I think it was truly selfless of you to take your son to the library instead of watching TV. Personally, I think that deserves a medal. Or, maybe just a spanking new pair of boots! Wow, see how that works out? :)

  5. @Tex- No way! I've got my poop in a group!
    Stop laughing. Stop it.
    @Tina- See? You totally get me.
    @Sarah- I have a drawer full of that crap- why wear it when there are XL tees and pj pants? I know what you are thinking... Brock is LUCKY.
    @Jen- Thanks and yes, although I have some pointy toed cowboy boots that might work better....
    @misty- YES. I agree with you.

  6. There is no DSW in DC proper. My choices are "drive to mother-effing VA" because the metro doesnt even go there, or "suffer."

    There may be one in Bethesda, too, but even for a Jewish white girl, I'm still too ghetto for Bethesda. It's like the Stepford Wives on really expensive cocaine up there. *shudder*

  7. Those boots are hot! Somedays it's hard to belive I traded being able to afford hot boots to have a baby and an outrages daycare bill.

  8. OMGosh those boots are S-E-X-Y!!! I LOVE're totally speaking my language. And your description of what happens in a store in right on target! Have you been secretly spying on me????Because I'm fairly certain this exact same scenario JUST happened to me!!!! I've told you before....separated at birth! I'm positive!

  9. Never in my life have I ever heard a better term than "vortex of boots" I want to start a rock band so I can name it that. Any chance you play the drums? We can be a virtual band (the best kind) and mostly we will shop for boots.

  10. Would it be creepy of me to admit staring at those boots for the past 20 minutes? I already wiped up the puddle of drool forming on my keyboard.

  11. @Heather- I am truly saddened by your tale. Every girl needs access to a normal DSW.
    @Paula- I totally couldn't afford the boots but I am a complete moron so I guess I won't be putting gas in my truck this week.
    @Crystal- I think it is a contagious boot flu or something...
    @Tova- Why thank and and no I don't play drums but does that really matter?
    @Phoenix- Good boots will do that to a person. I want them in black too. Bad.

  12. God I love when it gets colder and I have an excuse to wear boots everywhere. Those are some damn mighty fine boots you obtained girl!