Friday, September 23, 2011

Social media promotes narcissism.

The facebook is at it again with change.

As change often brings confusion, at first I was as disoriented as a stripper without a pole, but I have since figured out how to "subscribe" to people without blowing up my notifications box. I'm still not exactly sure what "subscribing" is, but I'm pretty sure that everyone else is doing it so I guess I will too. Baaahaaah. Bleet bleet.<-----sheep noises. As I was poking around I also discovered that apparently facebook is now offering a purely self-absorbed "subscribe option" to us as well. This is how they are explaining it:

"Want Subscribers of Your Own?
Now you can include more people in your public updates, without adding them as friends" - the facebook

Hey there! Since we are all in such high demand, we can be so kind as to let people see our status updates (which are clearly fascinating) but we don't have to bother with pesky things like acknowledging their existence and adding them as friends! Super! Now we can all be like Kathy Griffin on Twitter, because last I checked she was following not a soul, for clearly no one, save Kathy, has anything interesting or useful to say.

For those of you poor unfortunate souls who aren't my facebook friends, let me offer these stimulating previous status updates from my facebook archives:

I would like to offer Brock's zucchini to all of my facebook friends: Free. Please take it. I'm serious. I cry every time a new one grows. And why are you still thinking dirty? Get your minds right, people!

Stupid question from Brock, "Ohhh, do you want some of that margarita?"

Nothing says "Hey! We're here!" like your dog crapping on the floor of your new vet clinic. Is there a band of hillbillies following me through life playing the mouth harp, the jug and the banjo? Just wondering....

The music that they play on Brock's beloved Encore Westerns Channel makes me want to kill someone. It is that bad. So so bad.

I thought that standing on the corner, dancing like a fool with the M and E Painting sign was the worst job ever. And then I saw the guy dancing on the corner, dressed as a dog holding the pet waste removal sign...... he wins.

....And for the win....

Whomever coined the phrase "Don't cry over spilled milk" clearly never used a breast pump.

There. Minus 56 updates about brownies, that about covers the last two years. My assignment in egocentricity is complete.
*Like my page on facebook and you can receive more beguiling and thought-provoking updates, much like these, but with less Brock and more snark.... for FREE.*
This could very well be the only giveaway I do, people- jump on it.

Go forth, have a great day and remember, as John Wayne once said, "Compliments are always welcome, no matter what the source."



  1. I got my balls busted by a few friends for posting a picture of my 1 and a half year old daughter standing on the desk chair naked and hunched over the computer. Someone used the words "cam girl". So yeah. I mean, maybe pedophiles would definitely want to subscribe to my amazingly interesting facebook page.

    Also? I do remember quite literally crying over spilled milk when I was pumping. Fucking pumping is the worst.

  2. Dayumm! Look at dem zucchinis!! yeppers, those are big ones!
    I love the way your brain works, Writing seamlessly between zucchini girth and breast pumps = pure F'ing genius!

  3. I hate it when they take away my pole. Leaves me all discom-boob-ulated. A girl's gotta dance, right?

    "this is not real, this is not really happeni-in-ing . . . you bet your life it iiiisssss."

    Every time, Johi. Ever. Time.

  4. LOL!! HOly hell you crack me up! I'm actually not sure how I lived life before I met you!!!

  5. All I really want in life is a man with a big zucchini. . .or five. . .lucky bitch!

  6. Facebook will change again in two months so I never get too attached to the new layouts. :)

  7. I have NO clue what the hell is going on with FB...this subscriber ish is WEIRD!

  8. @Jaclyn- Naked baby pictures are the cutest and all the creepers ruined it for the rest of us. I actually did cry over the milk too. Only it was less crying and more hysterical raging.
    @Kelly- What's that saying? "It takes one to know one!" Not everyone gets me like you do.
    @Mistyslaws- I have a male friend who can dance with a pole like no one's business. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't jealous at all. That shit takes skill.
    @Crystal- I heart you too.
    @Jen- they are actually my zucchini as Brock doesn't garden, but I went for the funny. I will share my zucchini with you though. ;-P
    @Paula- True dat.
    @Tish- This change has me more confused than any of the other ones. It would help if I could actually comprehend things that I read....