Monday, September 12, 2011

Fight Fire With Fire

You know how when certain people start talking, it leaves you fantasizing about a bucket which would hold an entire human head (specifically theirs) and enough water to cover it?


Never mind....
But for the rest of you:

So there I am, standing in a herd of mothers on a playground. In our midst was a number 10 (i.e. a braggart). The list of things that this woman claimed to be an expert on was long (winded), detailed, hyper and annoying the ever-living fuck out of me. I tried a few techniques to subtly let her know of her social inadequacy. I used intense and ugly sarcasm, I didn't make eye contact, I used harshly inappropriate language, and I even walked away and stretched my hamstrings.

Yet she did not falter.

At one point, her level of ridiculousness was so fierce that I actually engaged her with a question, for the sole purpose of blog fodder just to hear her bloated, self-loving answer. It was Ah-mah-zing. She was Ah-mah-zing. (Just ask her, she'll agree).

And I was going to be either an astronaut or a Victoria's Secret Model....

Just before I was ready to bore out my own eardrums with an ice pick, my friend swooped in with the most brilliant move in playground history. She out-played this egotistical peacock. I know all of you have been in this situation with someone from work, from school, from church or a mom's group and you find yourself stranded with your standard, self-declared-god-like human. "How do you shake these people?", you ask. "TELL ME....."

It was genius. She directed her attention at this gasbag and started talking in detail about bodily functions. Farting (or, as her husband likes to delicately refer to it: letting gas *gagging over here*) was the main subject, but she also threw in some details about fecal matter and urine that I believe sealed the deal. Or maybe it was her walk-by-pause-and-lift-the-leg demonstration of flatulence (directed at Miss Windbag herself). Either way, we all took her cue and joined in, it worked, and Suzy-So-Splendid-And-Smart walked away from us.  Then we all sighed a collective sigh of relief and moved along to the more important subjects of double knit polyester and giant metal chickens.

So remember, the next time you run into a diarrhea fountain of braggadocio, fight fire with fire. And if you can light yours on fire, then you get double bonus points.


  1. I LOVE it!!!! You forgot to mention that you fanned out your stinky pits in her direction before you went to stretch! :) Good thing she had a full understanding of the science of armpit sweat...oh wait, she didn't.

  2. Oh I'm the QUEEN of that ish!

  3. I can easily slide into a conversation about diarrhea at the playground- "oh, is that the ice cream truck? None for me, I'm lactose intolerant so I get a visit from the brown cow any time I eat dairy". And then I refer to the brown cow at random intervals just to watch them squirm. It's magnificent.

  4. What an interesting strategy! I'm surprised Miss Big Pants didn't start bragging about her excellent digestive system.

    My husband carpools with a woman like this. Except he calls diplomatically calls it "needing a lot of validation" he finds it exhausting, just validating this woman for an hour each day.

  5. @Simplegirl- Oh yes, I forgot that part. I'm so classy.
    @Phoenix- I think so! My techniques were failing miserably.
    @Tish- I am all over your potty diary.
    @Paula- I like my friends, because they are plain awesome, except not even plain, they have sprinkles and stuff.
    @Jaclyn- You and simple girl would be bff. I love it!
    @ifbyyes- Really! I'm surprised she didn't either! Your poor husband. He seems very sweet and empathetic. He could just snap his fingers together and yell "Quiet Game!" as soon as she starts speaking.

  6. All I can think of is Kristen Wiig's "one-upper" on SNL.

  7. I haven't seen SNL in so long. Shamefully, I am not familiar with that skit.

  8. So fabulous! I am so sorry I missed her shame. We have all had to deal with these soul suckers, succubuses, life vamps, whatever you'd like to call them, they are selfish cows, and care only for themselves! KUDOS to you!

  9. More like kudos to my rad friend. Hint: It was totally Simple Girl up there. But thanks, I wish I could take the credit! All I did was point my ass at her when I was stretching.