Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Raisinets® or Disappointment? I'll take the candy please.....

If I handled real relationships more like I did the movies, I would probably be much more content in life.

You see, when I go to the theatre, my expectations are almost always pretty low. I have typically read or heard a less than favorable review from someone, so I think to myself "There is a good chance that this flick will suck donkey balls. Oh well, at least I am out of the house. Hey! I want popcorn and Raisinets®!"

And as I sit in that padded chair, eating my sweet and savory feast in a darkened room with mood lighting, I am magically transported away from my reality: shrieking children, unpaid bills and the demands of my life (clean me! feed me! fix me! clean me again!). In that theatre, I am almost always relaxed and at least somewhat entertained because I got to tune out of my life for two hours, and that in itself is lovely. So as long as there are mildly attractive people on the screen saying something mildly funny, or doing something mildly interesting, it's all good.  And because I anticipated basically nothing from the actual content of the film, I am usually pleasantly surprised that the film contained at least one thing that I found to be charming.My uber low expectations were exceeded! Win!

But I have a different scope on "real life", which continually sets me up for failure and disappointment.
You see, I have two basic expectations of others:
  1. Be nice.
  2. Be honest.
Seems simple enough, right? The problem is, these two things do not live in harmony. People who are always nice, aren't always honest and honesty is not always the nicest approach.

Exhibit A: The Nice:

And then you go out into public looking like an asshole because your friend wasn't honest.
And then people point and laugh and you go home and cry in a closet because you look like a
rooster on crack and your friend told you a lie with conviction and a smile.

Exhibit B: The Honest:

And then you go and cry in a closet because your friend confirmed your biggest fear:
You have no common sense and your stylist is fucking with you and it is going to take
at least three months to grow your hair back and a lot more time to regain your pride.

So in conclusion, in my past, many of my relationships have been like food poisoning or a terribly disappointing movie (i.e.: You Don't Mess With the Zohan) and I leave with nausea and brain damage, thinking "Whoa. What a waste of time and money.". 

****And because I am a realist, and I believe that "real life" should star Hailey Mills and every day should end with singing along with the forest creatures, magical kisses and castles made of chocolate mousse. What?

Perhaps when I meet people, I should expect them all to be fugly, lame, mean douchcanoes, and when there is a moment that they aren't, I will be surprised and somewhat amused!
Or maybe I should only talk to moderately attractive people, because if they are jerks, at least they aren't offending my aesthetic sensibilities.
Or maybe I should only speak with people who offer me free popcorn and Raisinets®, because that would make them officially BETTER than the movie theatre.

Daily tip: Let me offer up some helpful advice to help you feel satisfied with your relationships. Have only two expectations of others:

  1. They are a mammal.
  2. They are breathing.
On second thought, let's just stick with the first expectation. Number two can get tricky.

Peace, Love and Raisinets®,


  1. Holy, wow! Amen. Amen. Amen. You are my hero.

  2. you made me smile. i'm a hermit by nature, and you just confirmed why...

  3. Thank you social networking for letting me deal with people only via fb and blogs.

  4. aaaaaand douchcano is OFFICIALLY my new favorite word. I know a few.

  5. hahahahah awesome.

  6. But, Johi, you manage to be nice AND honest. That's why I like you. And when you get a snarky, I never think it's vicious or aggressive. I think you're just funny. And lovely. And awesome.

  7. I think the only real disappointment here is that you like Raisinets. WHY?! You were so cool with your bright green leisure suit. Why mess that up?

    Also, I prefer my In Real Life Friends to not breathe. Loud, I mean. I used to work with a loud breather and FOR THE LOVE what is that about?!

    [As always - your illustrations ROCK. If there is not a published book with your illustrations in them by Christmas I'm going to cry. Because that is TOTALLY going to be my gift to so many people.]

  8. @Kari- You should probably set your sights higher. I often don't get out of my pajamas until 10 am.
    @tex- I like hermits. Did you see Get Low with Robert Duvall? Loved it.
    @Kate- sometimes that is too much for me too.
    @Emma- Me too. I'll bet we know some of the same ones!
    @Tova- *bowing* Thank you!
    @Elizabeth- Why are you so nice to me? Don't answer that. Thank you.
    @Phoenix- I am eating Raisinets IN my lime green leisure suit.
    I'm not into loud breathers either. Or loud eaters.. Although I really don't mind belching and farting, because apparently I am a man.
    I doubt the book thing will happen by Christmas, unless someone sends a nanny and a housekeeper my way.

  9. Great post!
    I like that illustration about the nice and the honest.
    Very well done!
    Silver Bra Straps