Monday, August 22, 2011

Let's try not to be pretentious dickwads, shall we?

I am going rogue today and posting something that could possibly be construed as troll-ish. I am doing this for the good of humanity though, as my intention is to point out how being a pretentious douche will not earn you friends. Plus I am an asshole. If you haven't figured that out by now, you haven't been paying very close attention.

I recently commented on a hilarious post about what houses with children look like in reality. Here was my obviously brilliant comment: 

"Yep. My favorite is when the featured home has children and all of the toys in the pictures are either sock monkeys or wooden and painted with low-emission paint.

No Dora, no Cars, no Toy Story, no giant hunks of garish plastic with battery operated "awesome" siren noises.... yeah, I believe that reality. Sure.

Great post."

Then a couple of well-meaning?, obviously superior-to-me women chimed in about their toy and non-television, non-licensed product preferences for their children with phrases like:  

"Weeeeell, my kids mostly have handmade soft toys and wooden things, with some matchbox cars and a few stray plastic animals. Nothing with batteries, no tv or movie themed toys. "

and also (from a different woman):

"And since they don't watch much TV (we don't have cable), they only kind of know who those licensed characters are. _____ has some Dora hand-me-down clothes and likes them, and knows her name, but has never seen the show and that's where the interest ends"

My initial response was to vomit in my mouth a little, then I wanted to punch them in the throat (but only lightly), then I wanted to go back and comment something like "GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Your mom of the year award should be arriving any minute in the mail, look for it about the same time your husband receives his giant box of porn paraphernalia!" or "If your children never watch TV, HOW IN THE FUCKITY FUCK DO YOU PREPARE MEALS? Are they they keeping busy fucking knitting hats for their fucking sock monkeys?" But, I try to act like a nicer person than I actually am, so I didn't say anything in reply. Instead, I came over here to mock and shame them.

We all know that children's toys, child proofing and children in general (with all the eating and drooling and general destruction) do not do pretty things to the decor of your home. You might as well unleash one pack of dogs, one frat party and one hyper mental patient with a pack of sharpies, a tool box full of fishing lures and an affinity to Mickey Mouse accoutrements in your home.

But we love our children and enjoy making them happy, so we feed them, give them toys and let them systematically destroy the home that we worked so hard so decorate and beautify. Right?

If you are one of those superior women with perfect children who never make loud noises, watch TV or throw tantrums in public, but instead they sit quietly in the corner reciting their scripture; or if your spotless home is devoid of toys children actually like and you have the audacity to tell people about it, prepare yourself  for a lonely existance. Because, even though your house may be worthy of a feature in Country Living, your children will enventually hate you and you will have no friends. The end.

Happy Monday!
Be Messy and Enjoy It!

Peace, Love and Plastic Toys that make noise,

P.S. Sorry to those of you who read this post in the previous ADD format. Blogger was messin' wit me. I hope I fixed it.....

P.P.S. I don't hate sock monkeys. I actually purchased a "sock zebra" for Thing 2. It is adorable. And apparently I am the only one in the house that likes it, because neither of the kids play with it (although I have seen Thing 1 throw it across the room a few times....)


  1. haha! I recently bought my kid a pair of Cars 2 shoes to the disbelief of most of my friends. But at least they don't light up, because that is totally crossing the line. So while I have to agree that those plastic, Disney character-ish toys are not MY favorite, the kids sure like them, so we do have a few. But as far as TV goes, at our house the TV is never OFF. BEcause yeah, how the fuckity fuck would I do ANYTHING if I had to watch my kids myself?

  2. You are so right. All the toys in my house are either big and awkward, painted in colors that hurt my eyes, plastered with one or more annoying characters, or loud enough to wake the dead (or possibly just annoy them back to life). Or all of the above.

    We're a no-sock-monkey zone around here.

  3. Well... my daughter has a sock monkey- in an awesome pinkish color. but that there ends the similarities. Thank goodness for her tv, I can do laundry!

  4. My kid plays with socks. Does that count? He likes to go in my bedroom and pull out whatever he can find... clean, dirty, it doesn't matter. And no, my bedroom is NOT spotless because I spend my time wiping up yogurt off the living room rug and racing around the house trying to wrangle that little monkey into a diaper before he pees over everything. He doesn't seem interested in tv (no matter how hard I try to show him that "YEAH! This will be FUN to sit still and watch this for ten minutes while Mommy tries to accomplish one singular task -- ANY singular task.") ... he'd rather turn up the volume super loud and then run away screaming because the noise is freaking him out. Always good times at our house.

  5. When I used to put The Boy in time out (back in the day), I had to take his socks off his feet, or he would stay in time out for hours after his 2 or 3 minute time because he would play with his socks.

    The child across the street, was never allowed to watch anything on tv that had violence in it, including the Road Runner Cartoons. Never allowed to play with toy guns, swords or weapons of any kind. He was the child in the neighborhood OBSESSED with these things. He was also not ever allowed to play football, but begged every year to play.

  6. My husband and I argue all the time about the TV. I like to use it for 20 minutes in the morning when I'm making breakfast and putting lunches together, and if they're crazy in the evening maybe another 20-30 minutes when I'm getting dinner together. He'd like them not to watch any TV, but has no problem watching 3-4 hours of sports himself, which is why we own the darn thing.
    As far as the merchandise, I just bought my kids the Sketchers with the blinky LEDs, and my older daughter got a Barbie backpack for the new school year. This is the world we live in, right?


  7. @Rachel- Thing 1 has cars shoes that do light up. He loves them, which makes me happy. I will teach him about good fashion later.
    @Rita- BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY LIKE. They are kids, not mini Sprockets.
    @Backwoods Mom- Everything in moderation!
    @Phoenix- that picture you painted felt like home to me. I thought that having THing 1 sit through an entire animated film at the theatre at the age of two was my greatest accomplishment to date.
    @Tina- i feel bad for that neighbor child. It is the same reason that a lot of Catholic girls are kind of slutty. (I was raised Catholic, so no one needs to hate on me)
    @Francesca- you've got to appreciate a good old fashioned double standard! lol!

  8. I love you.

    I am cooking dinner right now...while on the computer. 15 mo old daughter has taken to screaming like she's the victim of a hideous crime for fun. She has cheerios all over my kitchen floor and is currently grinding them into the tile. My older daughters came to the door about 30 minutes ago, after walking home from school (yes they have to cross a major highway and did so today without my supervision but did have a crossing guard) They rang the door bell and it took me a full 5 minutes to answer because I was finishing my blog post and didn't feel like darting to the front door-I was savoring the last few minutes of peace I had. I just yelled at #1 to go hose out the trash can and pull it up from the curb so we don't get an infestation of something that will surely have the neighbors throwing us out of the new neighborhood. Daughter #3 has decided to water the trees with the garden hose and singlehandedly pull our yard out of the drought the entire midwest has been in for months (but is really looking for an excuse to get soaking wet). I don't care. Its too late in the day to care about any of it. I wish you lived next door so our kids could paint each other with mud while we sit on the porch and drink (yes, you'd have to bring a box of wine because I'm out and I know you'd have some...we'd take turns going to the liq for one another because we are ladies and its embarrassing to be seen there every. single. day.)

    While I wait for you to move to Kansas to be my neighbor, I'm going to try to bribe my sister into bringing me something to drink on her way thru town. Gotta run; #2 has Tim McGraw turned all the way up on her ipod, #3 is into the bag of candy she collected this weekend from the town parade, my phone is ringing, timer on the oven has been beeping for the last 5 minutes and I'm sure my youngest is probably playing with her sock the middle of the street unsupervised. Lol!

  9. I.fucking. LOVE. you.
    Life is slightly less crappy when I read your blog.
    Also, my 15 yr old daughter laughed, too. The highest praise in the world is a teenage giggle.

    Thanks, buddy. :)

  10. Yeah, it's funny, right now I'm one of THOSE MOMS, but I'm totally on your side.

    Right now:

    My son has no licensed character toys, except a Thomas train that was given as a gift that I accepted unwillingly. I have steadfastly refused to buy my son any sippy cups, toy boxes, bibs or other products with Cars, or Toy Story, or Dora, or any other corporate characters.

    My son doesn't watch ANY TV, EVER. Sometimes, when he's done dinner, he starts glancing at Jeopardy and my husband switches it off.


    My son is 11 months old.

    He isn't old enough to understand ENGLISH, let alone get anything out of at tv show, and science has proven that TV for under-twos melts the brain, so I don't put him in front of it.

    At 11 months, he doesn't know or care who Dora is, or Lightning McQueen, and I don't feel the need to tell him "these are great and important people!" because if they're on everything he owns, he's going to start thinking they're, like, Jesus or something, and he should worship their graven images.

    I feel no need to start brainwashing my child before he can even talk.

    However, HE WILL GROW.

    When he is older, and wants to come home from school and watch tv, he may. He can watch Jeaopardy with us at dinner, too.

    When he is older, and he really wants Lightning McQueen on his lunchbox, I will sigh and buy it for him.

    When he is older, and he wants a Thomas The Tank Engine themed party, I will sigh and make it so.

    He will grow up in our world, and I'm not going to make him miserable by refusing to let him participate in the culture. That's messed up and won't do him any favours.

    In any case, if it makes you feel better, the moms in those photos MUST be plunking their kids in front of the TV, because otherwise, WHY AREN'T THE TOYS STREWN ALL OVER THE FLOOR?

    We all know that playing kids strew. It's what they do. They're little bundles of entropy just waiting to be unleashed upon your unsuspecting kitchen. Give Babby ten minutes in my kitchen and there will be crumbs everywhere, plastic bottles and cans everywhere (and my recycling in curiously empty), and water all over the place (and the dog bowl curiously empty).

    And THAT is what happens when I am making breakfast.

    My husband makes dinner. My gawd, think of the destruction that could occur otherwise!

  11. Its ppl like that that raise psychopaths. Just sayin...

  12. The more I think about it, I think its important to say that my oldest is quite gifted. Not just, "I'm the mom and I think my child is amazingly outstanding-gifted", but, like a bunch of testing, Mensa-smart, special ed gifted. I'm totally not bragging about that. It comes with its own challenges.

    Yes, I breastfed her. Yes, she went to Montessori school. Yes, I hand crafted all of her baby food out of organic fruits, veggies and home grown whatever, whatever. I grow my own alfalfa sprouts. In a jar, under the counter.

    We didn't watch much TV back then, she would pull her little handcrafted Amish-made antique baby rocking chair in front of a fish tank and watch for hours at the age of two. Hey, we had the time, she was the first child.

    But, she had loud plastic toys. Lots of them. She enjoyed noisy junk. She could (embarrassingly) identify a Coors Light neon sign in the college town at football games at the age of 18 months, "Dada, ITS UR BEER! LOOK! LOOK!". She had Dora and Pip and Pop, Bob the Builder and Frick and Frack and whatever else. And, she knew what the Disney Channel was, regardless how much TV we watched. Now, at 13+, she's had 3 years of Spanish language, practices speaking to my hubby in Portuguese at the dinner table and is crazy-far beyond her teachers in current events, history and politics. She took her practice SAT last year and is being tracked by Duke U for some kind of advanced something. I promise you, the plastic choo-choo train she used to ride on around the living room at 5am every morning until she was 3.5 years old didn't ruin her brain (it made mine mush!). Being a stay at home mom, being engaged, present and loving your kiddo is the most important thing you can do. Kids have their own interest. Even if I had exposed my #1 to only wooden toys and fish tank, she would have run circles around me and found out about all the other stuff. You can't stifle them, you can only shield them so much...but, you can prepare them, be involved, guide and love them. That's what they remember. And dammit, maybe Dora was responsible for her love of the Spanish suck it all you Dora haters!

  13. ...and comments like these is why I love you bithces. You all rock.

  14. Love. It. Those women can bite.

    When Bubby was small I remember specifically telling Hubby that I wanted NO SUPER HERO OR DISNEY clothing (tees, shirts, etc.). Then when Grandma came to stay when he was 3-ish she bought him a Spiderman tee ... then Hubby bought him another crappy tee, then another, then another. Then my lovely spouse was being 'helpful' once aand bought him new shoes ... light up Ben 10 tennies. OMGosh! I gave up. Now my child's wardrobe consists of tons of Star Wars tee shirts from Old Navy and Target. Classy. But, hey, they are vintage, so cool, huh? Notsomuch. Don't even get me started on the baby gear ... we got tons of hand me downs and none of them matched and Pooh and Friends were featured often. Whatever, you do what you can.

  15. I once let my daughter eat Cheetos for dinner on a Disney Princess plate while watching TV.

  16. Bahahaha! Best comment ever.

  17. I was well on my way to being one of "those moms" when my daughter was a newborn. However, my family had other ideas. Just try telling first time grandparents that they can't buy every flashing, beeping, obnoxious toy in Target. It doesn't work.

    And they buy them movies, too. I held out for awhile on letting her watch them, because, well, aren't they ADHD in a case or something? But then I gave in one night and let her watch a video while I cooked dinner. It was all downhill from there.

    At her current 22 months, she watches more TV than is probably ideal. But, you know, that's life. I do the best I can and I've had to quit feeling guilty about it. But, seriously, the sock monkey moms? They make that really hard.

  18. I think we all have ideas about parenting that are shattered when we actually start parenting. Every day is like a new discovery of "what a giant hypocrite I used to be". It's very humbling.

  19. I have a friend who is a sock monkey mom. Not that she doesn't have beeping toys or licensed products, but her house is always completely spotless with every toy and sippy cup and cheerio and shoe and item of clothing put away and in it's proper place at all times. There is no dirt in her house. She cleans out her VENTS for jeebus sake! (She once apologized to me when the hubs and I came over for dinner and she realized she hadn't had a chance to clean them. Like I was going to go around with a white glove inspecting shit and being appalled or something). Even if you were to pop into her house unannounced, shit would be perfect. I hate her a lot. But she's a good friend, so I can't just punch her in the face or anything. Sucks!

  20. I have a friend like that, but I don't want to punch her either. Instead, I want her to move in with me and spread her magic around my house.