I am going rogue today and posting something that could possibly be construed as troll-ish. I am doing this for the good of humanity though, as my intention is to point out how being a pretentious douche will not earn you friends. Plus I am an asshole. If you haven't figured that out by now, you haven't been paying very close attention.
I recently commented on a hilarious post about what houses with children look like in reality. Here was my obviously brilliant comment:
"Yep. My favorite is when the featured home has children and all of the toys in the pictures are either sock monkeys or wooden and painted with low-emission paint.
No Dora, no Cars, no Toy Story, no giant hunks of garish plastic with battery operated "awesome" siren noises.... yeah, I believe that reality. Sure.
Then a couple of well-meaning?, obviously superior-to-me women chimed in about their toy and non-television, non-licensed product preferences for their children with phrases like:
"Weeeeell, my kids mostly have handmade soft toys and wooden things, with some matchbox cars and a few stray plastic animals. Nothing with batteries, no tv or movie themed toys. "
and also (from a different woman):
"And since they don't watch much TV (we don't have cable), they only kind of know who those licensed characters are. _____ has some Dora hand-me-down clothes and likes them, and knows her name, but has never seen the show and that's where the interest ends"
My initial response was to vomit in my mouth a little, then I wanted to punch them in the throat (but only lightly), then I wanted to go back and comment something like "GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Your mom of the year award should be arriving any minute in the mail, look for it about the same time your husband receives his giant box of porn paraphernalia!" or "If your children never watch TV, HOW IN THE FUCKITY FUCK DO YOU PREPARE MEALS? Are they they keeping busy fucking knitting hats for their fucking sock monkeys?" But, I try to act like a nicer person than I actually am, so I didn't say anything in reply. Instead, I came over here to mock and shame them.
We all know that children's toys, child proofing and children in general (with all the eating and drooling and general destruction) do not do pretty things to the decor of your home. You might as well unleash one pack of dogs, one frat party and one hyper mental patient with a pack of sharpies, a tool box full of fishing lures and an affinity to Mickey Mouse accoutrements in your home.
But we love our children and enjoy making them happy, so we feed them, give them toys and let them systematically destroy the home that we worked so hard so decorate and beautify. Right?
If you are one of those superior women with perfect children who never make loud noises, watch TV or throw tantrums in public, but instead they sit quietly in the corner reciting their scripture; or if your spotless home is devoid of toys children actually like and you have the audacity to tell people about it, prepare yourself for a lonely existance. Because, even though your house may be worthy of a feature in Country Living, your children will enventually hate you and you will have no friends. The end.
Be Messy and Enjoy It!
Peace, Love and Plastic Toys that make noise,
P.S. Sorry to those of you who read this post in the previous ADD format. Blogger was messin' wit me. I hope I fixed it.....
P.P.S. I don't hate sock monkeys. I actually purchased a "sock zebra" for Thing 2. It is adorable. And apparently I am the only one in the house that likes it, because neither of the kids play with it (although I have seen Thing 1 throw it across the room a few times....)