Saturday, August 6, 2011

Injuring myself without the fun of Adrenaline

I get daily reminders of how truly "uncool" I am. I would like to respond to that with a flipping double-bird THANK YOU.

You know how old people love to talk about their ailments?

Hi Helen, how are you?

Oh, my bursitis has been flaring up and this arthritis is making it hard to knit, and you, Edna?

My knee has been bothering me and I have the Gout.

Let's play Bingo.

They're old. They get a free pass to talk about what ever the hell they want.

Guess what? I feel like I am old too, even though I was once told that women in their thirties were in their sexual prime. That must be women who birthed children at 18.... because my primer is broken. My body hurts all the time and I can't remember anything, like when I tried to count money the other day and had to do it four times. Even then, I was still confused. I used to be smart. I think I am suffering child-induced Dementia. In my mind, that gives me the same pass as the AARP crowd. (Here is where I talk about my ailment...)

Most people in my actual age group might injure themselves doing things like biking or skiing or twisting an ankle on their Jimmy Choo's. Not me. Nope. Yesterday I injured myself while vacuuming. One would think that only a rug cleaning novice or a 2 year old could injure themselves with a vacuum. I am neither, yet I still managed to clobber my foot when I dropped the 800 pound handle onto it. I was wearing strappy sandals. They were not Jimmy Choo's, nor are they OSHA approved.

I fear I may lose a toenail. This might not sound like a big deal, but all I really have going for me in the looks department are some cute toes. I even slap polish on the nails and declare that I gave myself a pedicure!  Right now they are Passion Pink, and believe me, we are in need of that right now.

The worst part of this is that, not only is my toenail bruised and bloody, the top of my foot is also purple, making the entire right foot sore and causing me to want to drag it around and refer to myself as Igor. It is also unattractive. Unattractive as say.... Brock's nasty ass, hairy curling toed Shrek feet. You know, the ones that I make fun of all the time? When will I submit to Karma and stop being such a butthole? Let's face it. Probably never.

Pray for me, and my cute pink toenail. We don't need any more Shrek feet in this house and it is still sandal season. Also, pray that I get more excitement in my life than vacuuming.

Peace be with you. And also with you.



  1. i swear, i thought i was the world's most uncoordinated vacuumer! :)

    loved the catholic blessing at the end. ha! i always hated that part of the mass... so phony!

  2. Hey! We do that blessing at our church! Except we're not Catholic. And I was all confused when they started doing it because I grew up during the whole "we do not speak in church - ever; nor do we show emotion of any kind and we only sing in quiet, hushed tones" season. Then we got a new minister and he shook things up. And all the old people looked VERY uncomfortable, because one thing you should never do to the elderly is mess with their church services. So, now the minister says his thing every now and then and expects an And Also With You response but we're still not good at it and sometimes I think he just does it to see if we're awake.

    Also, if you were in my family that gangrene-y toe of yours would totally be Free Game and we'd be making fun of you NON STOP. And until the end of your life we'd be saying things like, "oh, you'd better not carry that spoon - what if you drop it on your foot and need to have your toes amputated" and you'd get super annoyed and tell us to shut up. Because we never understand when the right time to shut up is.

    Also, I hope it snows soon because there is NO WAY that toe is going to look pretty in sandals.

  3. I LOVE what Phoenix said!!!! (There should be a "like" button for comments) I also love that I can actually picture you dragging your gimp foot behind you. Maybe you could throw your back out so you could have a nice big hump too.

  4. We call them Hobbit Feet in my house. Most men have nasty feet, IMO.

    OUCH! Have done such things ... hurt myself in impossible ways. Wann see this foot on Thursday night. LOL

  5. Babe. BABE! You know what this mean, don't you. You are no longer allowed to vacuum. Ya hear? No.More.Vacuuming.Ever.EVER.

    (p.s. you're welcome)

  6. "And all the old people looked VERY uncomfortable, because one thing you should never do to the elderly is mess with their church services."- Awesomesauce.
    Thank you Elizabeth, I wish. But I have pets and a little OCD when it comes to cleaning. Okay, not OCD, but I HATE having hair in my mouth. AACCHHKK. Hairball.

  7. I got my wrist tangled in a door handle the other day, so I feel your pain.

    And I'm only 25. SAVE ME.