Wednesday, August 17, 2011

If you don't like me, it is obvious that you suck.

I realize that I am not every one's cup of tea.

I also think that those people that don't like me must be:
  • terribly boring
  • lacking a sense of humor
  • heavily medicated
  • icky
  • feel threatened because I have discovered what an asshat they truly are
  • did I mention boring and lacking a sense of humor?

.....but that is just what I think......

So last night we went out for an evening of adventure and family fun.

We started at Sam's Club so that we could buy diapers, wipes and Kleenex in bulk. Because it is a magical place where you can purchase everything you may ever need (except apparently rice milk), I grabbed a bag of frozen flounder then wandered over to look at the laptops. Mine is sad. It keeps having seizures and shutting itself down.

I spoke with the techie guy that was working in that section. By the time I left, he thought that I was ignorant white trash. Just because Thing 1 was climbing on Thing 2, while he was in his stroller and our conversation was erratic: "Get off your brother... so what about this one?... get off your brother.... I have an external hard drive but I think it is a pain to use..... Get. Off.Your. Brother.... How long are laptops supposed to last? Ten years? Really? Mine is only four years old?...... OH MAH GAWD! GET OFF YOUR BROTHER!!!!!."

I don't think he was a fan. He obviously has perfect children. Bahahaha! My real guess is he has no children at all.

Then I asked the girls selling Direct TV if they could help me look for my book club book. They weren't interested. *gasp!*

Then we left with our ginormous box of Popsicles (I never have to buy Popsicles again!) and realized that we were starving. So we took the kids to the Japanese restaurant where we actually sat and ate a nice dinner. I know. I think it is a sign of the Apocalypse.

Thing 2 was in fine form. He has a knack for finding all the pretty girls and staring at them until they feel itchy flirting with them. He had already creeped out made friends with a pretty brunette (smile at him lady, he is cute!) when he moved on the the blond at the table behind me. He was smiling at her with a grain of rice hanging off his lips. I could hear her and her friend talking about how cute he was. I am the mother, who naturally deserves a little credit for the cuteness (I had birthed him and chosen to take him out into the admiring public, throw me a bone people) so I turned around a cracked a joke.

No one smiled.

I figured they didn't hear me, so I tried again with "It is the food on the mouth that really draws the ladies in.... that is exactly how his father wooed me."

*silence* But she made eye contact with me, without a smile on her face. Awkward.

Whaaaatttt? That is some funny stuff right there! If you could pull your rhinestone encrusted bag out of your butt, you would realize that!

So I wrote her off as: Lame and born without a sense of humor. Possibly constipated.

On the way out, I tested my comedic genius on two waiters and they loved me, so it obviously isn't me.... right? Is  it?
Why doesn't everyone love me????
Maybe I'm an acquired taste? Like strong cheese.... or Neil Diamond?
Okay, I'm done.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,


  1. Anyone who doesn't think you are hilarious and adorable clearly has something wrong with them.

  2. Thanks Emma! This is exactly why we tried to adopt you. xo

  3. I think you're absolutely awesome!! If somebody doesn't think you're funny, THEY've got a problem because WE know you're hilarious! There is no way anyone can not appreciate your sense of humor! I wonder if those two ladies were shocked that you overheard them and didn't know how to respond. Like you said... awkward!

  4. I think you are funny. In fact, I would totally invite you to my bonfire where I'm only planning on inviting people who make me laugh.

  5. *I* like you a lot, and I think that's pretty much all that matters.

    Someone - one of my FRIENDS, no less - un"liked" my blog page on FB after my fart post yesterday. I'm trying not to dwell on who it might've been, but ... hmmmph.

    Haters. :)

  6. more like a hard shot of wild turkey! :)

  7. @Furry- Awe thanks!
    @Phoenix- I rock at bonfires. I do that zombie stare into the flames better than anyone!
    @Rita- thanks! That person has obviously never read the brilliant "Every Body Poops" book. Your post was awesome.
    @Sluice- I love you back.
    @Tex- Blahaha! I'm way sweeter in person. really...

  8. I alawys thought I wanted to be Heavily Medicated, but appearantly I don't want to be if that means being boring.

    It's people these days, in the 80's you could strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. These days they look at you like you are trying to steal their shoes. BTW that only happened once and it was shirt I found while I was in the closet at a party, and no you probably don't really want to know why we were ALL in the closet.

  9. Wait. Whaaaaaaat. People don't think you're funny?

    As we say in my house,

    That is clearly TP and not YP.

    their problem, not yours.

    Also, they must be really stupid.

  10. @Tina- Ahahaha!
    @Elizabeth- I like that. TP not YP. Like: Teepee not wipee.

  11. Sam's Club. Blargh. I have a membership but do not appreciate the "what's the secret word" feel as soon as you walk into that establishment. Give me a break. Like letting people come in who don't pay a membership is going to kill them. Like they want you to believe that they have to charge a fee because they are giving us such a f*ckawesome deal. Please.

  12. @Tonya- Bahahaha! The next time I go I am going to ask the person checking cards "what is the secret word?"

  13. I secretly think similar things about people who don't like me.

    But at the same time I feel like I must be a shit person if boring asshats dislike me.

    I have problems.

  14. LOL!I think that's hilarious! And I agree, there are lots of boring and constipated people out there. Who needs 'em? ;)

  15. @ifbyyes- Be grateful when the boring asshats dislike you. It gives you less to weed out later.
    @Mel- I haven't figured that out yet. Apparently they are part of "God's Plan" or something. :)

  16. Dear Johi,

    I am The Cotton Floozy's friend and just started reading your blog. I immediately deduced that you were highly intelligent, hilarious, and just the right amount of screwed up. If other people don't get you or your humor, it's because they are recently reincarnated earwigs with tofu for brains.

    Your new creepy stalky friend Yvette

  17. Dear New Creepy Stalker Friend Yvette,
    Anyone who can compliment me and tell me that I am screwed up in the same sentence will be sent a personal invitation to stalk me, because you are clearly my type of peoples. Plus, I'm generally not afraid of bugs, but earwigs creep me the fuck out.