Friday, August 5, 2011

A How-To Guide for Play Dates

For many mothers, the mention of a "play date" can cause anxiety, severe sweating and quite possibly hives. Not only are you forced to be around other people's screaming children, but you have to make nice with women based solely on your commonality of being a mom. Navigating the often murky waters of play dates can leave you battered and with tendencies of early onset agoraphobia. After weeks, months, years of the house arrest that is parenting a small child, how do people with rusty social skills survive these "play dates"? Never fear, as I have put together a handy how-to guide for play dates. Not only will this guide help you hone that forgotten and unused civil competence that you once possessed, it will also gain you popularity, wealth and fame.*

*Actual results may vary


The CornFedGirl's How-To Guide For Play Dates


1. Ignore your child as they bite/maim/poke/kick/or push the other children. Or scold them in a soothing voice while you gently touch their nose, "Oh Nubbin, stop...that is very unbecoming behavior for such a precious little treasure."


2. Crimp your hair, wear something from your beloved 80's concert t-shirt collection and smuggle booze in your flask into the park. Yell "hell yeah!" and fist pump when your kid successfully makes it down the slide.



3. Bring your giant angry dog and explain how he needs to be desensitized to other children because he keeps biting all the neighborhood kids.

4. Talk incessantly about your Twilight/Unicorn/Precious Moments/S&M....what-have-you.... fascination. Be sure to include a wallet full of pictures, your online fan-club official membership certificate and your scrapbook.



5. Talk about sex. A lot. In intimate detail. Use descriptive words like "moist" and "throbbing".



6. Feel free to text or talk on your cell in the middle of another mom's story. Make sure to add a distracted "uh-huh" every now and then so they still think you are listening. Most moms are boring and have nothing to say, but sometimes you just need to let them expel their verbal diarrhea.

7. Chew tobacco or smoke on the playground. Make sure to spit/blow smoke towards the children, giving special attention to the babies. Those little shits need to toughen up.

8. Talk about any religious extremist views. Use words like "saved" and "heathens" and "fornicators". Don't forget to include "The End of Days" in your speech. Bring your Bible and lead a reading.

9. Tell a crap ton of stories about a bunch of people that no one else knows. Be sure to talk the entire time, leaving no room for others to converse. You're a star, it is time for your captive audience new friends to admire your intellectual depth and compassion for humanity.

10. Treat a play date like you would a resume. Brag. Brag hard. Brag Brag Brag. Brag about yourself, your husband, your children.... brag. People love to hear about the time you won that trophy in 6th grade for your science project and all your tropical vacations and your trust fund and your College GPA.

11. Make sure everyone knows that your kids are the best. Ram that fact home by pointing out the flaws of their children. "Billy's eyes are really close set.... have you had him checked?" or "Sally Mae seems really interested in boys. Have you considered birth control at a young age to prevent teen pregnancy?"

12. Remember, everyone enjoys having their eyeballs licked.



13. Get dressed up in your very best low cut outfit, complete with push up bra and red lipstick. Other moms will really dig you.



14. Personal bubble-schmubble. Stand close and breathe heavy.

15. Read every one's aura and then break out your tarot cards. Make sure at least one in the group has a quickly impending death, and don't forget to inform them that their children are destined for a lonely, unhappy existence full of strife and poverty.

16. Bring your kids and dump them off on the mom who clearly needs a break and some adult conversation so that you can get your nails done. Make sure your children arrive early, dirty and hungry.

17. Fall asleep on the couch. Snore.

18. Get into a fight with someone on the phone. Curse wildly and at a high volume.

19. Talk about your cats the entire time. Make sure to include their middle names and why you selected those names.....



20. If another mother is venting from frustration with parenting, make sure and let her know through your disapproving looks that you a clearly a better mother. Make her feel guilty and unworthy, and make her realize that she is a bad person for not feeling "blessed" every moment of every day.

You. Are. Welcome.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Johi

19 comments:

  1. Beautiful. I think I'll just start at the top and work my way down. Should we do a playdate soon?

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  2. We should. I want to be the eyeball licker and not the lickee though.

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  3. If I come on this playdate I'm wearing sunglasses to protect my eyeballs. Just so you know.

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  4. #20 is why I like you bitches!

    xoxo

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  5. The thrusting motion depicted for #5 nearly made me fall out of my chair with laughter. Well done Johi.

    I loathe playdates. Maybe by incorporating some of your handy tips, they'll be more tolerable. :)

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  6. They're done with WATERCOLORS?! This is beyond awesome! I only do playdates where there are no children around. We call them "Book Club." Except one lady seems to exhibit a lot of these behaviors. (And the sucky part is I totally invited her before I knew she was a crazy fun-sucker so I've been officially banned from inviting anyone ever again.)

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  7. hahaha! you are hilarious. but I'm sure you already knew that.

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  8. Aaaand this is why my son will end up being a shut in.

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  9. I.Love.You. This shiz is why I read you FIRST.

    I have met 90% of those moms. Hence, I have no friends.

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  10. Thanks gals. I really do love all your comments. Especially since I took way too much fucking time doing this "art work " (with sharpies and Thing 1's watercolors- cuz I'm a professional...)

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  11. Genius. Pure and evil genius. I will be incorporating this anon. I hate people.

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  12. I have to take my nephew on a play date tomorrow. I was a little nervous, but now I'm feeling pretty good. Thanks for the great advice!

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  13. This was a post of Herculean proportions, and I wince in admiration to think of how much effort went into it. For your artistic acumen, for your common touch, for your use of the word "moist," for your taste in 80's music and the ghetto earrings you give to your gallery of girls -- for this and much much more, I bless you, wish you life.

    Just incidentally, I had my eyeballs licked, once, rather vigorously. (This was many years ago; I remember it as if it were yesterday.) Her name was Laura. She called it "flipper kissing." She did not ask my permission. I did not love it. I did not find it erotic. I found it sloppy. It lasted a long time. I could not keep myself from writhing. I did not award her bonus points for "touching the iris," a feat she undoubtedly achieved (though I have no way of proving this). I DO, however, award you bonus points for touching my heart with this beautiful post replete with your artwork and your facility with language, slipping in a word like "fornicators."

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    1. I must admit that I get many great comments (like when The Cotton Floozy invited me into her big white van to see her puppy), but yours is now at the top of my list. I was even crying a little.

      I too have unfortunately had my eyeball licked. If I hadn't been so blasted drunk, the licker would have been (rightfully) shanked with the pocketknife that I always carry with me. I'm glad that I was shithoused, because the memory is only fleeting and if I try hard enough it almost goes away entirely. I often wonder how different my life and stories would be if I wasn't such a ghetto earring loving fornicator.... I'm guessing boring.

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    2. "I too have unfortunately had my eyeball licked."

      I'm probably old-fashioned and outmoded, but whatever happened to the good ol days when it was just fellatio and cunnilingus?

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  14. LOVE IT. However anyone wearing crocs does deserve to be attacked/licked in the eyeball.

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  15. Number 13? Yeah. . .pretty much why I (I mean, my short people) don't get invited on play dates.

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