*Actual results may vary
The CornFedGirl's How-To Guide For Play Dates
1. Ignore your child as they bite/maim/poke/kick/or push the other children. Or scold them in a soothing voice while you gently touch their nose, "Oh Nubbin, stop...that is very unbecoming behavior for such a precious little treasure."
2. Crimp your hair, wear something from your beloved 80's concert t-shirt collection and smuggle booze in your flask into the park. Yell "hell yeah!" and fist pump when your kid successfully makes it down the slide.
3. Bring your giant angry dog and explain how he needs to be desensitized to other children because he keeps biting all the neighborhood kids.
4. Talk incessantly about your Twilight/Unicorn/Precious Moments/S&M....what-have-you.... fascination. Be sure to include a wallet full of pictures, your online fan-club official membership certificate and your scrapbook.
5. Talk about sex. A lot. In intimate detail. Use descriptive words like "moist" and "throbbing".
6. Feel free to text or talk on your cell in the middle of another mom's story. Make sure to add a distracted "uh-huh" every now and then so they still think you are listening. Most moms are boring and have nothing to say, but sometimes you just need to let them expel their verbal diarrhea.
7. Chew tobacco or smoke on the playground. Make sure to spit/blow smoke towards the children, giving special attention to the babies. Those little shits need to toughen up.
8. Talk about any religious extremist views. Use words like "saved" and "heathens" and "fornicators". Don't forget to include "The End of Days" in your speech. Bring your Bible and lead a reading.
9. Tell a crap ton of stories about a bunch of people that no one else knows. Be sure to talk the entire time, leaving no room for others to converse. You're a star, it is time for your
10. Treat a play date like you would a resume. Brag. Brag hard. Brag Brag Brag. Brag about yourself, your husband, your children.... brag. People love to hear about the time you won that trophy in 6th grade for your science project and all your tropical vacations and your trust fund and your College GPA.
11. Make sure everyone knows that your kids are the best. Ram that fact home by pointing out the flaws of their children. "Billy's eyes are really close set.... have you had him checked?" or "Sally Mae seems really interested in boys. Have you considered birth control at a young age to prevent teen pregnancy?"
12. Remember, everyone enjoys having their eyeballs licked.
13. Get dressed up in your very best low cut outfit, complete with push up bra and red lipstick. Other moms will really dig you.
14. Personal bubble-schmubble. Stand close and breathe heavy.
15. Read every one's aura and then break out your tarot cards. Make sure at least one in the group has a quickly impending death, and don't forget to inform them that their children are destined for a lonely, unhappy existence full of strife and poverty.
16. Bring your kids and dump them off on the mom who clearly needs a break and some adult conversation so that you can get your nails done. Make sure your children arrive early, dirty and hungry.
17. Fall asleep on the couch. Snore.
18. Get into a fight with someone on the phone. Curse wildly and at a high volume.
19. Talk about your cats the entire time. Make sure to include their middle names and why you selected those names.....
20. If another mother is venting from frustration with parenting, make sure and let her know through your disapproving looks that you a clearly a better mother. Make her feel guilty and unworthy, and make her realize that she is a bad person for not feeling "blessed" every moment of every day.
You. Are. Welcome.
Peace, Love and Unicorns,