Monday, August 29, 2011

A Friendship Quiz

Sometimes my life is so strange that I question my reality.
If you don't spend approximately one third of your time wondering if you have been punked, or thinking that your life may actually be an episode of The Twilight Zone, then it is clear that you do not hang out with me and my friends.

Please, join us. We like virgin flesh new people.

If you are feeling unsure, go ahead and answer the following questions:

*Do you have a "magic box"? Is it awesome and do you make jokes about it?

*Have you ever had a "horny old man" (with horns literally strapped on the front of his Cadillac) drive up onto the sidewalk where you were walking and attempt to chase you down the street?

*Have you ever been yelled at in public (complete with an angry finger pointing) by a scary man who oddly resembles Hitler? Did you (obviously) yell back at him?

*Do you have a survival plan for the possibility of a bear encounter?

*Have you ever been in an establishment with such a strange vibe, that suddenly you wondered if you were surrounded by some sort of AARP-card-carrying-zombies who only want to feast on the wine soaked brains of females? Did you still smile sweetly at them, regardless of this feeling?

*Do random strangers take your picture? (This doesn't count if you have a mullet, because everyone takes pictures of random mullets.)

*Speaking of mullets, have you ever listened to Achy Breaky Heart when completely sober and felt the immediate urge to vomit?

*Speaking of the 90's, have you ever had a toothless man ask you to dance?

*Does your kitchen ever resemble the following scene?


*Have you ever shown up to a work event, hung over and reeking like a liquor factory, and "yelled" at people because they were (clearly) annoying you? Have you managed to do this in a way that is somehow both amusing and charming?

*Can your friends tell you that you look like you are on meth (yes, I am referring to my "before" picture from Friday's post) and make you laugh? (No, I do not use drugs. I am only high on life....and really tired... and like to make stupid faces.....)

*Do you like to laugh, have a great time and use the "f-word" abundantly and with great joy?

*Do you think that girl's weekends and "time away" are a necessity for healthy living?

*Do you have no fear of crop dusting in public?

*Have you ever had a lascivious "on the wagon" waiter start boozing with your party (while still on the clock), use words like "solar plexus" and "spiritual journey", and attempt to "align" your hot friend's Chakras on the floor of the restaurant?

And you think I make up this shit....

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, there is a good chance that we spent time together in the past (potentially yesterday) or that I would like you and not object to spending time with you in the future.

I hope every one had a weird and wonderful weekend, like I did. If you didn't, I hope you at least got some good sleep....or something like that.

Peace, Love and Fake Crystal Bullshit,


  1. My chakras are *never* aligned by the waitstaff. But I totally (over)use the F word and Girls' Night is a vital necessity for my children's future (and Matt's). And the toothless men ALWAYS find me to dance with. Also once a midget wear bright teal terrycloth short-shorts.

  2. Bahaha! I have known for some time that we could successfully "hang out". I call that "ball buster shorts", for the obvious reason.

  3. I have A magic box. We'll leave it at that and assume we're talking about the same thing...

    I have had a toothless man as me if I was married.

    And I qualify for a few of the others. Yay!

  4. I found myself jealous of many of these experiences. That's not weird, right?

  5. yes please. let's be friends.

  6. I lol'd at "crop dusting".. you and my husband would get along swimmingly!

  7. You all are totally in my "group therapy" club. :)

  8. *Do you like to laugh, have a great time and use the "f-word" abundantly and with great joy?

    *Do you think that girl's weekends and "time away" are a necessity for healthy living?

    *Do you have no fear of crop dusting in public?

    Yes. And after my friend announced that she had farted as we were walking out of a restaurant, I delighted in enlightening her with a new vocabulary term.

    I think it's important to have friends who aren't afraid to fart in public. And just as important to inform them (and be informed) of slang for different types of farts, poops, etc.

  9. Aren't past lives snazzy?! We were totally related somehow.

  10. Oh boy, my kids "help" my kitchen all the time. And what do you mean, messy? That shit is sparkling compared to my clutter-fucked house.

    Yep, I'm in. I'll bring the box of wine. You provide the string cheese and slim jims. Let's get this party started!!