Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Why We Should Never Live in Town

Brock, Thing 2 and I were out collecting radishes from the garden the other night when Thing 1 burst out of the house wearing a shirt but no pants, stood in the yard with his boys parts dangling free in the wind and yelled at volume 11, "MOM! I NEED A WIPE!"

Because we are clearly horrible parents, neither Brock or I noticed that Thing 2's sandal had rubbed a massive blister on his precious baby foot. The kid screams like a fat lady stuck in a bath tub when his brother takes a toy out of his hand but doesn't utter a peep when someone (Thing 1) or something (ill-fitting sandal) is causing him physical harm. Therefore, he has not worn shoes in five days and currently is sporting a nice layer of permadirt on his feet. I guess it is fine because now both kids have matching feet, as Thing 1 never wears shoes. Also, both boys had a growth spurt and look kind of, well, gangly. Currently, both of my offspring slightly resemble Tarzan's albino cousins, or a couple of backwoods Arkansas boys in need of a shower and a good meal... or twenty.

No worries, they are self-sufficient. I know this because Thing 1 can peel his own bananas now and Thing 2 has taken to eating things that he finds in the trash can.

We all went to the chiropractor yesterday and didn't bother getting dressed. Any of us. I mean, we had clothes on, just not "real" clothes. I was wearing this:

Tank top and greased stained shorts circa 2000 ala Ye Olde Navee.
The flip flops are at least 15 years old and splattered with paint.
I'm one classy broad.
On an unrelated note: I want you to know that I do own a pair of Yves Saint Laurent shoes now, but only because someone gave them to my friend with feet too tiny for them so she, in turn, bestowed them on my Cinderella's stepsister Clydesdale hoof. Look! Pretty! Maybe I should have worn them with my cutting edge outfit....

Alas, I will only wear these when the walking requirements are:
House, Truck, Restaurant, Truck, House.
But look how FABULOUS they are! You can't really tell from this picture,
but they are turquoise patent leather.  I know.
That is a Vintage Wool Suit behind them, it looks like it is right out of
MadMen and fits like a glove. It is super cute. I also have nowhere to wear it.
 Getting back to my story, Thing 1 had dressed himself in an orange shirt and red shorts, which my chiropractor's secretary told me was a popular color combination in Brazil, or France. I can't remember. I'm not a very good listener. He was also wearing last year's too small sandals which work just fine thankyouverymuch.
Thing 2 was dressed in the sagging, stained, white onesie that he had slept in and was sporting the giant sore on his bare, dirt stained feet.
We looked awesome.

Hey, it is fricken hot. At least I showered.

Ugh......Good Lord, someone send in the Fashion Police. Quickly. We need shoes and updated, unstained matching clothes. STAT. *And a wipe.

Thank goodness we don't have super close neighbors that can see all our madness.

In other news: This week I will be teaching Thing 1 to play the mouth harp and Thing 2 to play the jug.
*banjos banjos*


  1. I just want you all to know that this post was so ADD that even Google had no clue what ad to spam me with upon posting it. I am aware that I may need medication to help me... did someone say waffles?

  2. LOL, sounds like my neighborhood last night. I go out to remove the keys from my vehicle to see 3 naked and muddy girls streaking around. They were having a water fight nex door. the boy was in a shirt and diaper because he didn't want the girls to see his wee wee(his words). I had a good laugh about that last night.

  3. trust me. i'm very grateful we don't have too-close-by neighbors (altho if they were out in their fields, we'd have a problem). i'm half-naked or mostly-naked most days running around here myself!

  4. Awesome! See? I knew you all would understand.

  5. I bet you guys looked totally respectable and normal. It's the families that leave the house with perfect hair and clothes that make me truly suspicious.

  6. We have neighbors. Crazy neighbors, but still. Our house looks boarded up because I'm afraid people will just "stop by" and there are some things that just can't leave a person's memory once they witness it. On a seperate note, I showed Big V a nice property on lots of acreage yesterday. The house on it ought to be condemned but there's lots of land AWAY FROM PEOPLE and that's really all that matters.

  7. @Cotton- We were pretty bad. I just didn't care.
    @Phoenix- I found a property on 80 acres with a "historic" home for a very affordable price. We were seriously considering it. The house didn't have electricity or running water. We were seriously considering it....

  8. Really can not wait to see this Vintage Suit!!!!

    I'm thinking our neighborhood is the creepy perfect people neighborhood, except for us. We're the one's with the crazy dog who barks at every thing that moves and the dude out watering the grass wearing palm tree printed pj pants. And I may just have worn my pajamas to take Moxie to the vet last week...

  9. I love it that B has palm tree printed pjs. I water my garden in my robe almost every morning. People can see me. I don't care.
    The suit is fab- my hairdresser (not Brock, the one I haven't seen since last fall) gave it to me. I thought of you when I looked at it today. :)

  10. I'm beyond happy that I am not the only one in the world who walks out of the house with my children looking like nobody loves them...sigh...there are people like me in the world =)


  11. Yes! Crystal- We must band together for support. Plus, we know our children are loved, they are just messy and hard to corral. :)