Friday, July 15, 2011

Just Shut Up and Nod in Agreement

Parenting is tough.

Marriage is tough.

The combination can sometimes be ridiculous.

I know lots of single parents, and that looks tough too.

So what do we do, when our lives are all consumed by caring for others and we realize that it has been days.... weeks... months.... since we felt the pure joy of serving only ourselves? Even just for an hour or two? What do we do when we are so tapped out that all we feel is disappointment and exhaustion with a side of rage and a pinch of loathing?

We have a few options:

1. We exercise (if we can find the time)

Pro- Endorphin release. With consistency, you will look and feel better.

Con- You will most likely have to get up at Satan's hour to accomplish this, which is cutting into your rare and precious sleep time because by the time you get the spawn lovely children to bed, you need an hour or two of awake time to yourself or with your spouse without the presence of crumb grabbers so that you can slowly morph back into something that slightly resembles you former self. Then when you finally get to sleep, between the sound of your spouse's snoring or the dog licking themselves or your neighbor's driving by with the bass all the way up to 11, your child starts screaming and needs you in the middle of the night and you end up rocking them until you soothe their sobs at 4 am and then you definitely should have the ability to pop out of bed and go for a 4 miles run because you are supermom and need no sleep! Right?

2. You take a Tylenol PM or some other sleep aid so that you can get rest.

Pro- You sleep so sound that you don't even know there has been a Zombie Apocalypse.

Con- When you are in a fog the entire day following your sleep session, you read the label and see that you should only take the pill when you can get 8-10 hours of sleep. Bahahahaha! Yeah, like that happens anymore. The label should read "Not for Parents".

3. You build a boxing ring in your living room and throw your husband a pair of gloves.

Pro- You both get out some much needed aggression.

Con- Your husband can probably hit harder than you and you realize it was a bad idea when he rings your bell. Plus, you don't get invited to any more play dates because your child keeps decking his friends.

4. You complain to your friends.

Pro- The right friends will validate your feelings and share their similar stories of how fucking hard it is to be a parent and try and maintain your house, your career, your relationships, your sense of self and your Goddess status in the bedroom.

Con- The wrong people will say things like: "You should feel blessed to have such a healthy family" or "Well, I love every moment of being a mother." or "Maybe you just aren't cut out to be a parent." (facebook defriending pending.....)

5. You get Mary Poppins to move in with you.

Pro- She can sing like a bird, has magical powers and makes your kids clean their room.

Con- She leaves. She always leaves, and then it is just you. Again. You can guarantee that the kids eventually "forget" how to clean their rooms, too.

6. You play the lottery.

Pro- Money is great! You can pay off your house, go on vacations, hire live-in help, pay your bills on time and have a date night without stressing that you aren't going to be able to pay your electric bill because you hired a sitter and went to a movie.

Con- The odds are against you.

7. You medicate.

Pro- Numbness can be blissful.

Con- Addiction can destroy you (and shit like that)

8. You run away from it all.

Pro- It is just you, baby. No one else.

Con- It is just you, and you feel alone a depressed and guilty and you can't enjoy your freedom because the regret is killing you and the kids have no mother and will need therapy and your ex is drinking away the pain.... it's bad.

9. You try and get your family to help out more so you can have a break.

Pro- Your children will benefit from a youth rich in family connections.

Con- In-laws. Weird "Uncle" Artie. Everyone feels validated to offer you unsolicited advice on everything you do. In-Laws.

10. You get out of the house and do something for yourself, with no guilt, once a week.

Pro- You will feel better and you might even find that you miss your family.

Con- It is hard to get away because someone ALWAYS needs you. And when you do, and you are sharing your problems with your friend in the wine restaurant, the table next to you is completely silent because they are listening to everything you say in horror and planning a modern day witch hunt. That's right, we's a couple of angry bitches. Watch your back!

If you are feeling trapped, depressed, alone, hideous, broke, angry, remorseful, loathing, and exhaustion, I would like to say "welcome to the club!".

Now, get off the Internet, because your children are hungry and laundry needs to be done and bills need to be paid and a whole bunch of people need a shit ton from you and you are disappointing everyone right now.

Have a great weekend!

Peace, Love and Unicorns,


  1. Isn't it though? I try and maintain my Stepford Wives image at all times.

  2. hmmm. again, validation of why i never had kids... ;)

  3. Sorry- Next time I am having my period during a full moon, someone should put me in a cage and take away my computer.
    @Tish- I think you might BE Poppins. Do you want to move in?

  4. You plan a once a year trip with your Best Girl Friends and call it Mother's Gone Missing. You and three or more of your closest friends leave home for 4 to 5 days every year, no matter what.

    Pro - You leave someone else in charge of it all. Husband only calls in the event of an emergency, The Boy texts you only when he needs something that Husband can't find and you get back to both of them when you finish shopping, wine tasting, musuem touring or when the musical is over.

    Con- you have to allow Husband to go hunting with the boys at some point, wait...The Boy goes with Husband on this trip...this is a Pro. Can't think of a Con.

  5. @Tina- sign me up! I need a sponsor though.

  6. I vote for #10. Come have a drink with me! Wait - I live far away. You are funny and can't fool anyone about how crazy you are for those three.

  7. You're right. I do love them and they all make me crazy.

  8. hahaha! I'm not getting off the internet. The kids need to learn how to take care of themselves!

  9. hahaha! I'm not getting off the internet. The kids need to learn how to take care of themselves!

  10. Awesome! You know you signed off right after you typed that because you couldn't take the screaming! LOL!