Thursday, July 28, 2011

It is good to be sure of something.

I am not one to complain.

Are you done laughing, yet?

Okay, what I meant to say is that I shouldn't complain, especially about things like the weather when I live in Colorado, where it is generally better than... well, a lot of places. It has been over 90 degrees for 14 days in a row! I heard it on the news this morning and they never tell a lie. Never mind that I know it topped out at 87 degrees in Monday and I was wearing jeans all day, just because I could. But for Colorado, it has been hot. And not only has it been hot, we have something that we normally don't; HUMIDITY. The news said it was 59% humidity today. Don't throw your sweaty Midwestern shoe at me and yell  "Go eat a steaming pile of roadkill!". I know that 59% humidity doesn't sound like much, and frankly, it feels fine, BUT MY 15 YEAR OLD PIZZA FACE WOULD BEG TO DIFFER.

I have said before that I don't think God loves me. The fact that I am sitting here with more zits than I had in high school, plus a plethora of wrinkles, is not helping alter that thought. What. The. Hell? I have tried three different masks and I wash twice a day and I even considered giving up sugar, but nothing has helped. I'm just greazy. Yes, it is pronounced with a "Z", you have been saying it wrong. Greeee-zzzzeeeee.

I am not completely dense. I know that if I went to Iowa to visit family right now that I would feel like I had to swim through the humidity to walk down the sidewalk. Fortunately for me, I don't have to do anything because my mom, dad and grandma will be here today! And I'm going rogue and not cleaning the house for company! I'm awesome. Back to my humidity story: Whenever I came back to Iowa from my summers in Colorado, I always felt like I needed to chew the air before I swallowed it. Although I am clearly mentally tough and could totally handle not ever being able to dry off when stepping out of the shower. Ever. And as I could easily deal with the "blue jean peel" when trying to pee with minimal rage and whimpering, alas my poor skin could not deal with the humidity. Which is why I need to stay here (but in a better house with more property and a babbling brook and a herd of ponies.... and a fainting goat).

I just spoke with my friend from New Jersey, who told me that it had been topping out around 105-106 degrees for the last few weeks. She said that the heat, combined with the 90+% humidity was the equivalent of living in some dude's sweaty jock strap all the time. Apparently Jersey has a special aroma as well. Armed with the humidity hating skin and the thought of nasty ass jock straps, I am absolutely, 100% certain that I will not be moving to New Jersey anytime. Man, it is good to be sure of something.


  1. I was wondering why I was suddenly getting zits on my face when I haven't really had any in years. Your post gave me the answer. HUMIDITY! Though there's no humidity where I am, there was a lot of it in MN when I visited a month ago. When I got home is when the zits started coming and I was all W.T.H.?.!.?.! So, thank you for solving the mystery wth me.

    I want a fainting goat too.

  2. Would now be a good time to point out my next post is about the exceedingly mild temperatures in Germany and my struggle to find seasonally-appropriate clothing to accommodate the nip in the air.

    Hahahahaha..."struggle." Enjoy melting!

  3. For real: Humidity was 95% last week. (Someone said they saw it at 97, but I can't go there.) And... THIS is what was suggested to me: Pond's Cold Cream. Put on a thin layer all over your face and go to sleep. Don't wipe it off like it says - just leave it on your face. Like a shield of shortening.(Don't bother wearing your glasses, they'll slip off your face.) In the morning, you will notice a difference. It seems completely counterintuitive but MY FACE HAS CLEARED UP. Except the spots on my chin which I picked at and are more like acne reminders. (oops.) Not sure how long I should keep doing this, but it's been three days and I'm free and clear of adolescent reminders.

  4. Also, @Allie: Shut up.

    :) (I'll read anyway, I suppose....)

  5. Chew the air is correct- can also explain why after being in it most of the day I am not hungry. I am full of humidity! I am still wondering why I still live here in Iowa after these past two weeks- bring on the cold!!!!!!!!

  6. Ha ha--the week we were in Colorado, I had the best skin I've had in recent memory. You can add Kansas to places you should never love. It was 111 yesterday.

  7. Subliminal typo. You should neither live nor love Kansas.

  8. Yeah, Florida has not been good to my face..