Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Focus. Breathe. Think. Did someone say waffles?

After yet another night of tossing and turning, I got out of bed far earlier than I originally desired and watched some morning news while I was drinking coffee. I generally hate the news. Like that awesome "COUNTDOWN TO THE CRISIS!" shit that our government taunted the American public with on Monday. Great. That surely won't affect my husband's remodelling business. Thanks asshats. Why didn't you just throw a ticking time bomb up on the screen and tell everyone to remove all their money from financial institutions and never again to invest in anything (like their homes)? Then you could instruct them to wad their cash into a sock, stuff it into a box and bury it in their fucking backyards? Oh wait, sorry governmnet, maybe you should instruct them to give all their hard-earned money to YOU instead. Yes. I think that is where we are headed.

Anyway, this fine morning, there was a piece on how lack of sleep is terrible for your memory.... or something like that. I can't remember. They went on to talk about how parents of young children suffer the most from this brain eating lack of regenerative rest. I concur. They forgot to mention snoring and bear paranoia. Morons.

So it made me think about how pregnancy is kind of like having cancer and how potty training Thing 1 definitely disintegrated some of my brain and how I just read in a blog's comment section that some lady was irritated as hell when people posted fb status updates about their children potty training and she wondered if everyone wanted to know when her cat used the litter box and I thought: A) I have never had much trouble getting a cat to use the litter box but potty training was probably the worst month OF MY ENTIRE LIFE (and I have been divorced) and 2) Humans are supposed to be the most intelligent species on the planet yet a cat is easier to potty train? and thirdly) This woman should not have kids because they will be the hardest kids to potty train EVER, because that is how Karma works ..... and then I lost track of what I was trying to think about and started thinking about this blog and how I think I have a lack of focus. I feel like success comes with discipline, self-awareness and "a style". I went through 4 (1/2) years of art school and still never mastered "my style", which could very well indeed be the root of the problem with my lack of success in art. Ot maybe I just suck.

Back to the blog; most of the blogs that I love have "a style":

Flourish in Progress is concise, witty, satirical and self-deprecating. I think all of her posts may contain the exact same number of words. Plus she uses hip hop slang.
Oh Noa is razor sharp wit, stand up comedian, piss your pants hilarious. She calls people out on ridiculous shit and makes your coffee come through your nose. Plus she cusses like a sailor.
The Bloggess is off beat, wacky, and constantly entertaining because she is some kind of a friggin' comedic genius. She is the only person on the planet who can talk a lot about her cats and continue to keep people coming back for more.
The Pioneer Woman is the All-American apple pie of the Internet. She takes beautiful photos, makes beautiful kids and cooks beautiful meals. She doesn't cuss at all, but her brother does.

They all have a thing, a way, a style.
I post something called "daily tips" about once every two months. Do I need to expand my point? Me thinks not.

So dear, fairest readers of the Internet, I am calling on you for assistance. The Cotton Floozy (who has an awesome Etsy shop and blog) has called me "adorkable" and maybe that is "my style", but I want to know what I should hone in on in the way of writing style, so that I can be wildly successful and popular. Actually, I just want to be good and maybe even noteworthy at something in this lifetime (and I want my horses to move in with me again). What would you like to see?

*More Dolly Domestic useful shit: like recipes (who wants a recipe for beet greens that your children will inhale?) and gardening tips and blunders (because half of my tomato plants have black spots on their leaves and I am thisclose to making it my life's mission to figure it out)?

*More about Smelly Cat? Today our neighbor's giant German Sheppard was in our yard, using some lilacs as his personal fire hydrant and I caught Smelly Cat in the act of stalking him down for the kill, which I think was not a good decision...

*More about my parenting blunders? I am just another fucking Mommy Blogger, aren't I? *shudder*

*More about my stellar spousal relations? We all know Brock is like a comedy writer's ideal muse.

*More about fashion? Fuck it, I'm not qualified and I feared that I may turn Thing 1 into a cross-dresser....

*More about Red Dog? Ball!- that about sums her up ...

I DON'T KNOW!!!! Pigeon Hole me, people. Go for it. More comedy? More rants? More silence? What do you want from me???? Sorry, I thought that I was talking to my kids there for a moment.....

And it is good to know that that they documented on the local news that having kids is the leading cause of memory loss. Awesome. Maybe we should try for another, then when Brock comes home from work, he really will find me drooling on myself, playing with knives and trying to eat wallpaper.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Johi

13 comments:

  1. well, i'm thinking Pioneer Woman is safe in her 'beautiful, perfect, world' niche and you won't be squeezing her out of it any time soon. ;)

    adorkable is good. hot mess is too. PLEASE don't become a recipe/gardening blog as i'll have to leave you...

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  2. You're selling yourself short dear... Your style is shining through all the time. It's a little ADD / Mommy brained, but your approach to the world comes through in all the recipes, kid photos, dog pics, etc. And the illustrations. If you're going to do more of something, do more illustrations!

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  3. I agree on the illustrations. Yes, there are others on the internet who do some similar things (hyperbole and a half comes to mind), but I really like those.
    Emily

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  4. One of the strongest points of your blog is that there is nothing pretentious about it - you're writing what we're all thinking. You embrace your imperfections and share them all unapologetically. You're REAL, and that's hard to accomplish through a blog. I look forward to reading more every day...or whenever you get around to it :)

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  5. You should keep your blog just as it is. Iffen it ain't broke, don't fix it!

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  6. How did you find out where I keep my money? How?!?
    Apparently your style is clairvoyance.

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  7. Ok. This is getting downright freaking and I'm actually wondering if you've somehow managed to listen in to my phone conversation LAST NIGHT with my sister -- where I said, "All I do is kind of jump all over the place; I think my problem is I don't have a consistent style." See?? See where I think that I may have to send Big V out to inspect the bushes around our house? BECAUSE THIS COINCIDENCE THING IS JUST TOO DAMN BIZARRE!!!

    Now, that being said: I was reminded of Dave Barry, David Sedaris, and Paul Reiser not to mention the complete genius of Jerry Seinfeld --- all of which just talked about anything and everything.

    And that's what I like about you. It's a little of everything that mixes beautifully together into an amazing experience. Like vegetable soup. Unless you hate vegetable soup. Then you're nothing at all like that crappy soup.

    You are Adorkable -- and you should stay that way.

    One suggestion: More stories about Eleanor. I've kind of got an infatuation.

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  8. Oh my heavens! I wouldn't change a thing about you! Clearly Cotton Floozy is a genius. Adorkable is perfect! I love your blog.

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  9. lol needed your spoon full of medicine today...

    the woman with the cat alarms me...never admit to the public at large you live alone...with a cat. it scares me when people do that. it's not catwoman prrr-ecious

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  10. Change nothing! Keep writing! And that goes for you too, Phoenix Rising. Don't make me count to three.

    Do parents still count to three? I have no idea. Maybe you both could count as "Birth Control Bloggers." Just an idea.

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  11. Change nothing. Just keep blogging.

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  12. I just wanted to say that if I could draw like you, I would include illustrations in all my blog entries.

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  13. I love you just the way you are. Billy Joel and all your fans agree. :)

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