Thursday, July 28, 2011

The BlogFather, aka The Blogfodder.

My parents are two hours away from my house. With them in their red Dodge dually is my 87 year old grandmother. Let's all just take a moment to visualize an 87 year old woman riding around in a giant hipped one-ton truck.... awesomesauce.

My folks prided themselves for years on their lack of cell phones and computers. On the off chance that you could actually get in contact with them, I would express my concern about their lack of touch with current society, my mom would say "Bob Barker doesn't have a cell phone or a computer" and I would respond "Bob Barker is 176 years old mother, I'm not sure this is who you need to emulate when you are running two businesses and have 500 head of horses and an assortment of other livestock that commonly issue emergencies."

Like a good daughter, I broke them down and they now own a cellular device commonly referred to as a cell phone. They were so weak. It only took four years. They still don't have a computer. I even tried to gift them my giant Stonehenge one and they denied it. I selflessly thought the clunky out of date technology would make them feel comforted and they still said "Nope". Have you ever?

So they just called me from their flip mobile and I can see that my father is in a delight of a mood. One of those special treats where he decides to constantly challenge my wit. Seriously, I don't even know why he tries. They were going to stop and get some booze before they get to my house (gotta love those Catholics) and my dad tried to engage me in a beer face off. I am a fan of good beer, or I was before I had a known wheat issue. Darker beer. Microbrewery beer. My father drinks Busch Light, Miller Light or Coors Light. Yummy. So this staunch Republican *alleged* father of mine (*we all joke that the milkman, or the Schwan's Man is my real dad), says to me "I don't drink that foreign beer" to which I responded "We actually drink micro-brews from local small businesses, much like your own.  While supporting our hometown businesses, we discovered that our tastes have surpassed Coors Light. That is what people drink in high school". He says, "I didn't drink in high school. Here tell your Grandmother what you said!" and he hands the phone to my Bud Light loving Grandma and I say "We are really excited to see you!" and then we chat like ladies and she hands the phone to my mom, who is laughing so hard I wonder if she is breathing and she says "Your dad is in a mood!" and I say "He'll be great Blog Fodder." We settle on the liquor order and hang up.

Two seconds later the phone rings again and it is my mom, in silent laughter induced tears and she says "I told your dad that he was Blog Fodder and he said I don't even know what a blog is and Grandma said just take some Ex lax and you'll feel alright."

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited to see how this evening's conversation will go down.

Cheers (I'm probably getting drunk tonight)


  1. someone put 911 on speed dial!

  2. I understand.... I have to share this lil tidbit with ya --- I finally got MY 87 year old grandpa to get a cell phone because he still drives himself "to town" daily and I would like for SOMEONE to know my number if something happens. Well, his battery was low and it was beeping... I said "grandpa, your phone needs to be charged, it's beeping". His response, "no, I think someone is trying to send me one of those message things (texts I'm guessing) but they are probably from some foreigner" --- yeah grandpa, those "foreigners" are texting you.... plug in your phone!

  3. I love it! I can see your parents doing just that. they could always make me laugh while serving them supper at good ole H&K.

  4. Thank you for this. I really needed a laugh today and your Grandma with the ExLax - priceless! I do sometimes feel as though I've done number 2 after a good blog post. Don't you? :)

  5. god, i knew as soon as i read the title on FB that i was going to love the hell out of this post. I dig it when I'm right.

    Of course, if I was totally wrong, I suppose I coulda taken granny's advice and just taken some ex lax.

  6. My staunch Mormon family has completely "dry" get togethers. Normally they're a hoot, but there are times when I really want to spike their punch!!!!

    Blog-fodder is a great word. When something funny or slightly entertaining happens my husband will say, "Blog blog blog blog blog!" in a very high pitched voice. I'll have to teach him "blog-fodder."

    (Why can't I post a comment using my 'open id' from wordpress???)

  7. SNORT! I totally print of my blog and hand it to my 93-yr old grandmother to read. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm nuts. Also, we tried getting my Dad a cell phone. He said it was the stupidest thing in the world to make buttons that small and how the hell is he ever going to call anyone with those? And it's too damn small he'll lose it and also, it's a waste of money because you've got a perfectly good land line at home. (He has no idea how to 'check the messages' on the answering machine; he has no problem knowing how to delete unheard messages from the answering machine.)

    Also, he still goes to stores and pays by check. And makes the cashier fill the check out. Which confuses the high school kids because they have no idea what that floppy rectangular piece of paper is. So they just stand there staring at each other... with the biggest generational gap EVER in between them.

  8. @Tex- Word
    @SHowin- I LOVE IT!!!!
    @Backwoods- They're good tippers, huh?
    @Wicked- Thanks and yes, blogging is very cathartic for me too.
    @Elizabeth- Thanks and granny is convinced that everything can be solved with a good poo.
    @Canis- awesome. and I don't know about the commenting.... I did everything I could to loosen restrictions on commenting (except I don't want anonymous commenting... those are the mean ones.
    @phoenix- happy b-day to your old man. Too bad you couldn't get your hands on that giant kangaroo!