Monday, June 20, 2011

Where do I sign up for Shady Acres?

Upon much reflection over the weekend, I have decided that the time has come for me to retire and move into an active adult community. Of course, I have based this decision on hard facts:

1. I like gardening, baking, the thought of crafting, sitting in a lawn chair and watching able bodied people labor, cats, ceramic plates, and throw pillows. I also would have no problem watching reruns of The Love Boat or The Golden Girls.

2. I feel that I have met the necessary physical ailment requirements; bad back, sinus problems, headaches, insomnia and the fact that I shrunk 1/2 inch in the past 10 years. As a bonus, I also have metal parts in my left knee so I can tell when it is going to rain. (Not really, but I watch the weather.... which brings us to number 3....)

3. I watch the weather. I also love to talk about the weather.

4. I am really good at playing games. I love Pictionary, Taboo, Poker and Euchre. I don't know how to play Bridge or Canasta, but I am a fast learner.

5. I like Jello.

6. I enjoy reading and I am mildly entertained by The Reader's Digest.

7. I understand the feelings of those that shun technology. I too, enjoy a nice handwritten letter that arrives in an envelope, in the mailbox, with a stamp on it (I used to collect stamps...). I also like record players and still own a VCR.

8. I like naps.

9. I like quiet activities, like identifying flowers, so I could easily start watching birds. The transition would be almost seamless.

9.5. Noise sometimes unhinges me. Good thing my children are such docile, tranquil little creatures.

10. I know who Paul Harvey is.


12. I look at young people and sigh, as I reminisce what it was like to be young. Then I roll my eyes at their underwear hanging out of the back of their pants (then I check to make sure my underwear is not on display... then I wonder "Did I remember to put on any underwear?")

13. My childhood toys are over 25 years old, which officially makes them antiques (I don't know if 25 year old things are "officially" antiques, but someone told me that once and I remembered it. It would be like me to remember something that wasn't true)

Holly Hobbie is the shiznit, yo.

14. I am really good at being cantankerous and yelling "HUH?" or "EH?".

15. I like Jello.

16. I also forget what I say and repeat myself. A lot.

17. I like to "lose": my coffee cup, only to find it in the microwave; my glasses, only to find them on top of my head; my train of thought, only to start over again from the beginning; and my patience, which has nothing to do with a retirement home but I thought I should keep this honest.

18. I think that men should still wear hats and three-piece suits and women should wear lipstick and drink martinis. I would also like someone to fix my hair for me while we gossip. I actually don't care if we are talking, I just really need my hair done. It has been since October since a professional touched it. You can tell.

19. I like saying old-fashioned things like "That'll do." and "Goodness Gracious!" and "Jimmeny Crickets!" and "Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck!". I think I would be quite popular.

20. I like putting things in containers that look like doilies and I have a chair named Eleanor.

Oooooo! Pretty!

21. When perusing the Fort Collins Recreator for summer activities, I kept being drawn it by titles like "Bellydancing" and "Scroll Saw Projects" and "Bob Ross Style Painting" or "Moonlight Melody Dances" (they serve refreshments!).  All of these take place at the Senior Center. It's a sign....

2891. I like jello.

Yep, I'm ready. Someone toss me a walker and point me at the nearest bus stop. Shady Acres- here I come!

And all the old people moan "We're not ready...."


  1. Who's Paul Harvey? Muah. ha. ha.

  2. Hey Granny..I gifted you with a bloggy award. Check it out when you have a minute.

  3. You would love Belly dancing!! It's a ton of fun even if you're like me and CLEARLY a white woman trying to move her hips!! LOL!

  4. They're officially antiques at 30 yrs. 5 yrs to go, better start packing now...

  5. You and I could be neighbors there. Can you add to that list a tolerance for bland food?

    And tell me this wouldn't be fun: a road trip to LA for the sole purpose of getting on a game show.

  6. I'm right there with you with my lap robe, two tylenol and old lady feet! I have the inside scoop too so we'd get the best help!

  7. I wouldn't mind being old, either, as long as it didn't come with incontinence. I do rather enjoy controlling my bodily functions and wiping my own ass, thankyouverymuch.

    I had a Holly Hobbie kitchen set when I was little ... and just the other day, I was telling Curtis that there's a guy at my gym named Paul Harvey. I joked, "I wonder if he knows 'the rest of the story?'" and Curtis was all, "What?" :)

  8. Dude. Whatever old folks home you're headed to I am SO THERE. Because I like jello, too! And also, I'm pretty sure you'd make sure we didn't get stuck on an all-bran diet.

  9. Meet you there! Seriously. My Grandmother lives at a really swanky assisted living facility and its like permanent summer camp for adults. It rocks! They had wheelchair races last week.