Okay, I would always have some food tucked in my purse, like an apple or a granola bar. No one wants to be around me when I get low blood sugar. And since I live in Colorado, I would also have two extra layers of clothes and sunglasses. It is not uncommon to see people wearing shorts, flip flops and a parka in this state.
Regardless of my chapstick, water, food rations, layers and sunglasses; I could still make it out of the house in 5-15 minutes. I could even eat my breakfast in the vehicle if I was in a hurry.
Since having children, and those children being 1 and 4, it now takes approximately 1 1/2 to 2 hours to leave the house. I wish I was exaggerating. FYI, those are the 1 1/2 to 2 hours that childless people get to use to do things like Exercise, Get Ready to GO (which includes showering and styling your hair) or Have Relations with their Significant Other. Let's all pause and have a moment of silence....
If your house is anything like mine, here is how the 12 hours prior to your leaving will break down:
1.) You will have decided the night before, when your 4 year old didn't go to bed until 9, that you are, in fact, too tired to stay up and get ready to leave.
2.) You will go to bed, but lie there unable to sleep because your husband fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow and his breathing/snoring is keeping you awake.
3.) You will finally nod off at midnight, and if you are lucky, you will sleep through the night until the four year old hovers by the side of your bed at 5:58 a.m., which is clearly an unreasonable hour to be awake.
4.) You or your spouse shuttles him back to bed and you try to get a little more rest because you are exhausted, but you are thinking of everything you need to do and can't sleep so you finally just get up at 6:45.
5.) You put on coffee.
6.) As soon as you sit to drink your coffee, both children are suddenly awake. Awake Children=Needy Children.
7.) You have to feed them, as children require scheduled feedings and it is pretty much cruel to make a small child miss a meal, seeing as they can burn through all of the calories that they consume during a day in one manic
8.) Next, you have to hose down the feeding area because it will now appear as if a Frat party exploded in your kitchen, or a pack of wild dogs. Either way- same result.
9.) Then you look around the house and you realize that it looks like maid quit three months ago and no one bothered to hire another one. This will always be the case when you are trying to leave for the day, even if you spent the ENTIRE previous day cleaning. So if you are like me, you will feel the need to do a quick pick up, because who wants to come home to a dirty house when you have two no-napping children on the verge of a meltdown at 8 pm? Not I....
10.) Then you must get both children dressed and ready for the day. Savor these moments that they let you select their outfit and they aren't spending every day dressed as Spiderman... or Zorro (I know a grown man who did this. And yes, I dated him. My decision making skills are unparalleled...)
11.) Then you must pack a bag with 22 different "emergency situation" outfits, diapers, formula, food, drinks, cups, bottles, bibs, cleaning rags, pj's, blankies, pacifiers(OMG DON'T FORGET THIS!), toys to amuse them in the car, wipes, sunscreen, hats, strollers, backpacks and maybe a pack-n-play, depending on where you are going. When you have all this crap packed up in 3-8 different bags, you will most definitely leave the ONE THING YOU REALLY NEEDED sitting on the kitchen counter.
12.) Now that the children have eaten, the mess is cleaned up, the house in semi-orderly and the bags are packed, you set your precious angels down in front of Max and Ruby and you go get yourself cleaned up.
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT skip this crucial step. You will want to. You will think to yourself "I feel like I just ran a damned marathon and we haven't even LEFT yet. This pony tail and these sweats that I slept in last night are fine. I don't need makeup! I'll just throw on a ball cap!"
I say NO!!! Guess what??? If you leave the house like that you will most certainly run into 1 of 2 people: an old boyfriend, or worse, an old flame of your spouse's. GUARANTEED. Go shower and slap on some mascara and deodorant.
13.) Then you put the dogs in the barn or the house, which requires belly crawling under your vehicle to retrieve Red Dog who scuttled away from you and is hiding in dead fly position because she believes that we will never return to throw the ball for her.
14.)Then you herd the excited children and the 500 pounds of crap that you are hauling with you into the vehicle, buckle up and listen to the manic laughing turn into spitting turn into screaming turn into crying.
15.) Then you arrive at your destination and you do your super fun thing that you left the house to do!
|Yay! Caged intelligent beings that haven't yet|
evolved into humans! ...in a CAGE! yay?
16.) Then you drive home. See 14. If you are us, your children fall asleep in their car seat approximately three miles from the house.
17.) Then you unpack the vehicle and attempt to get the kids to bed before you collapse into an unconscious heap on the kitchen floor.
Have fun traveling with your kids this summer!
We are staying home.
|Why would we ever need to leave? We have beer in the fridge and boxed wine in the pantry.|
Peace, Love, and Unicorns,