1. Jean Shopping
2. Swimsuit Shopping
The time has come for the latter of the two, for carrying and birthing two Things has wreaked havoc on my body, making the bikinis I once sported no longer seem appropriate.... or flattering. Damn it.
Last summer, being the kind and generous person that she is, my sister gave me her black one piece in exchange for my cute-as-a-button pink and white polka dot bikini. I had just birthed Thing 2 and was happy for a dark colored one piece to draw attention away from the area that was formerly known as my waist and the other area that was twice the size of my normal ass. What I didn't realize is that I had made a BAD TRADE. I was wearing the suit at a public pool when I looked down and saw my mayonnaise white flesh gleaming THROUGH the black fabric. Apparently my giant fleshiness was compromising the integrity of the fabric, making it a viable candidate for spontaneous combustion (just like the drummer on This Is Spinal Tap). To my great dissappointment, this strain on the fabric was NOT happening in the chestal region. Of course. Additionally, there is the fact that my sister informed me (after the suit trade and the public exposure of my "I just birthed a baby!" jiggly parts) that she had, in fact, owned that suit since the 8th grade.The suit was so old that it was basically disintegrating while on my body. Aging spandex, chlorine and extra fluffy stark white lady pieces= a very bad day indeed.
Does anyone see "Sucker" stamped on my forehead? I think my sister did it while I was sleeping.... Please don't take me to a big city as I will come home without my lizard skin cowboy boots, but with a brand new pair of mint condition Moon Boots from the early 80's. Awesome trade! To my sis: I hope you and your "I work out every day and have never carried a fetus" body are enjoying my adorable Daisy Duke bikini. You suck. Bring the ingredients for chocolate martinis the next time you come for a visit. xoxo Jo
My friend has access to a pool through her condo and now that the weather is stupidly hot, we plan on spending a great deal of time there with our herd of children. I wore a bikini the other day. Let me express my deepest condolences to people of the condo pool. Between my extremely flat chest, my bloated, stretch mark clad, c-sectioned gut and the hail damaged so-beyond-white-that-I-may-actually-be-mint-green other parts, I was feeling like a... well... a mom. After little to no thought, I decided that I needed a new suit! I am currently in the market for one piece, preferably with some sort of spanx for the bulgy stuff, some well-enhanced upper area "support" and a mothereffing genie to grant my three wishes.... because I am delusional and a slow learner, I would like the new suit to make me look like this (totally attainable, right?):
|Picture borrowed from:|
I decided that I can't be the only one with swimsuit shopping issues and decided to put together a "How to Guide for Swimsuit Shopping with Common Figure Flaws". You. Are. Welcome.
Spoiler Alert! Let me just state up front: Head to the accessory section and by a cute cover-up. Problem solved.
1. The Apple
Also known as: "I can't keep these girls contained", "Why is this happening to my body?" and "Mom"
Issues: Breasts too large to be properly supported by any suit. Straps/elastic cut into shoulders and waist. All weight gathers in mid-section.
Don't buy: Bikinis (especially of the string variety- that tiny triangle will barely contain on nipple), One-pieces (unless you enjoy looking like a potato with a wedgie), Halter tops (they enhance the bust and make you look like a line-backer) or underwires (they will cut your boobs in half and smoosh them unattractively because they hit at the wrong place)
Do buy: Margarita Mix. Go ahead and get the Cointreau.
2. The Pear
Also known as: "God is not a fair guy", "My thighs are best friends, also known as "why I don't wear corduroy", "What is cleavage?" and "Mom".
Issues: No boobs. Plenty of butt and thigh, extra in fact. Needs two completely different sizes. Elastic cuts into the bottom half.
Don't buy: Bikinis (especially of the string variety- there is not enough "upper" to hold the top in place). One pieces (unless you enjoy enhancing the look of the Nebraska Plains, otherwise known as your chest). Scoop necks (they aren't flattering, trust me), anything unpadded (it is just too sad) or anything too padded (cut to you, holding your child against your chest and the pressure is squeezing those pads like a couple of kitchen sponges, thus making you appear to be lactating pool water)
Do buy: Franzia boxed Cabernet- $13.99 for 5 liters! Yeah!
3. The Asparagus
Also known as: "The 12 Year Old Boy", "I've even tried protein shakes" and "Skinny Bitch"
Don't buy: Bikinis (especially of the string variety- unless you want the tit triangle to end up under your armpit...). One pieces (unless you like looking like a plank of lumber). Anything with an underwire (wire on bone is not pleasant). Anything from the junior department (even if it fits, Dora isn't age appropriate).
Do buy: Ingredients for Grasshoppers. They are delicious and the calories won't affect you. Bitch.
4. The Butterface.
Also known as "She looked great when I saw her from the back, BUT HER FACE...." and "no amount of liquor can fix that".
Issues: Causes visible jealously, always followed by visible cringing.
Buy: Whatever the hell you want, your body looks great. Make sure to accessorize with a giant hat and bigger sunglasses.
Just remember, when you are standing in that dressing room, with those horrible fluorescent lights casting their awkward purple glow onto your pasty skin; highlighting cellulite that you didn't even know you had, don't allow yourself be seduced by the swimskirt. You will initially scoff at it, but after 14 suits that were apparently made for some breed of fleshless bone people (with elastic moving to the top of your Enemy List), you will start to see the skirted suit in a new light. It will appear to be the solution to all of your figure flaws! You will convince yourself that it is retro and that you can work it out with some great heels. No. You can't. Unless you are 70+, a card carrying member of AARP and know the names of all the servers at the Golden Corral at the Early Bird Special hour, it is not allowed.
I hope that this guide will help you with your swimsuit shopping for many summers to come. When you feel the overwhelming urge to shoot out those horrible fluorescent lights, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
Come to think of it, maybe winter isn't so bad after all.....
Peace, Love and Unicorns,