Tuesday, May 10, 2011

This is so NOT how I wanted to spend my free 2 hours.

Yesterday I arranged for my neighbor to come and hang out with the Things so that I could go and revive myself with some yoga. But I burnt my skin to a crisp by gardening in outdated sunscreen on Sunday and I had slathered on approximately 800 layers of lotion to prevent the skin from molting. It puts the lotion on the skin. And, seeing how I was crispy and greasy at the same time, I decided that yoga might be more painful, humiliating and slippery than revitalizing. I wasn't even certain that I could handle wearing pants with my scorched thighs and had thrown on one of my stretchy house dresses cheap summer dresses from Target. Although some of my undies are totally cute enough to show off, I am fairly sure a dress in Yoga class would be considered inappropriate attire. Just a guess.

Hence I decided to take advantage of my kid free time and return my new phone to the Verizon store! Because everyone knows that taking children to places where you potentially have to wait 30+ minutes before you even get to talk to a sales associate is as much fun as sticking a fork into your thigh! Dining out with children evokes the same feelings in both me and my husband, which is why we don't do that unless we are drunk. Anyhoo, I recently upgraded to a smart phone. I really don't know what "smart phone" means, but I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that it is "smarter" than me. I do know that I can text people now in 1/4 of the time and I have an 8 pixel camera AND Internet access. I have a KIN. I like it, but I apparently got a lemon. I don't know. Maybe your cell phone is supposed to freeze up, fade out and not respond to you when you do crazy things, like try to call or text someone... or turn it on?

So I was waiting in the store, hoping to get my problem phone replaced, when a man came and sat down beside me. Now, let me say right here that I am generally sociable, but today I really just wanted to spend some good old fashioned "time alone", to get the phone thing handled, then run over to Old Navy and get a 2011 version of my standard summer wear of an inexpensive housedress mumu cotton summer dress that I can throw in the washing machine when I get... well... whatever on it. This man clearly wanted to chat and so I forced myself to stop staring at the carpet pattern, turned to his anxiously awaiting smiling face, smiled and said "Hello". That is when I thought that he was looking at someone behind me. Nope. He just had a wandering eye, so I found the one that was focused on my face and tried my best to look at that one, although I felt spastic and I couldn't control my eyes from being all darty and he probably thought that I was utterly crazy (which I clearly am). He was very smiley and friendly but I have no clue what we were discussing because I was so focused on trying not to point out the fact that he appeared to be looking at two completely different people at once that I was totally exhausted by the time my name was called.

When I got to the counter some shifty tan dude that I think I may have seen standing on a corner holding a sign that says "No Job. Please give me all your cash." gave me his best flirtatious smile, to which I had to stop myself from snarling at. Ole' Wandering Eye wore me out and I had no desire to "make nice" with someone who was trying to pick up a married woman at the cell phone store. I JUST WANTED TO GO TO FUCKING OLD NAVY AND BUY A CHEAP MUMU FOR GOODNESS SAKE! So I talked loudly about my young Things to the sales lady and shifty dude stopped trying to make eye contact and left.

To make a long story short, they are sending me a new phone (which they had better friggin' not charge me for because I will throw a hissy fit deserving of a trophy) and I had 20 minutes to spare and was able to dart over to Old Navy where I found this year's summer dress on sale in two colors, so I purchased them both for $14.49 each, because I'm a crazy shopaholic like that. Apparently I had better think twice about wearing them out of the house because people who look like transients and old men who clearly have vision problems think that I look friendly and approachable when I wear mumus. I am neither of those things, so next time I go out I will just wear my cowgirl apron, my straw hat and my embroidered Motherfucker pendant (it is wall art but I could totally add a chain to it) from The Cotton Floozy and I'm pretty sure that people will leave me the hell alone.

I realize that I should be snarling in this picture for the proper effect,
but I couldn't. This get-up made me too happy. I'm totally getting a chain for the pendant.
Good gawd, I need some yoga.




  1. I tried yoga once and it about killed me. I'm just not flexible and yes, even though they all tell you don't have to be - you have to be. Also, there's a guy that comes into the office and not only is his eyes all over the place but he has these thick glasses that act like a giant magnifying glass and so there is no way in hell I can't stop flitting from one googly eye to the next. Now that I said this I can no longer have any more children because God will give me a Wandering Eye Youngun' just so I can learn to accept. God is like that. Trust me, it happened after I was all "ew - your daughter is so snotty" to my brother and guess what? The 9-yr old has allergies. Always sniffling and snorting. I am still trying to learn acceptance. (Apparently it's not something I'm good at.)

  2. @texwisgirl- you are not alone. I tend to frighten people.
    @Phoenix- I used to sit in my college classes and make fun of mouth breathers. Guess who married a mouth breather? Guess who birthed a mouth breather? I bow to Karma.

  3. I had to click the picture to get a bigger view, its just too awesome.

  4. yoga is like timeout for me (add and all) and I have always been impressed with people who can focus enough to enjoy it! I hope you get some soon!

    If they charge you for shipping just tell them you want them to refund it! I have never paid for shipping on a phone.

  5. @Brandy- check out her blog and Etsy shop. She sells all kinds of stuff that I think you would like.
    @Tova- lol! I do need to get "some" soon.
    They said that it they can't find anything wrong with my current phone (which I paid nothing for because we renewed our Verizon contract) that they will charge me the full price of the new phone, which is $250.(I'm not okay with that) Shipping is free though, so that is the only guarantee that I have as of now. Wheee!

  6. I feel your pain - I am also a creepy guy magnet. Sigh. They often tend not to care that I'm married either. Why can't I be a hot twenty-something who happens to look like Rob Pattinson magnet?