Friday, May 20, 2011

This is not what I had planned at all.

I remember once ordering a drink at a fast food joint and by the time I drove 20 feet around the building to retrieve it from the friendly employee hanging out of the drive up window, I had forgotten what I ordered and was expecting iced tea. I was thinking how thirsty I was and my mouth got all cottony and lusting for the tea. Ummmm, iced tea. Smooth, cool, unsweetened, wonderful tea. Then I took a GIANT gulp of Diet Pepsi, which was what I had actually ordered, and the unexpected taste of carbonated brown fake sugar almost made me vomit. You see, at the time, I actually liked Diet cola drinks (until a few years ago when my friend convinced me that I was basically drinking cancer) but I didn't like them that day because I was expecting something completely different.

Kind of like yoga class this morning.

After my lovely spouse startled me awake at 5:06 this morning with a snore that practically took down the ancient willow outside our bedroom, I, of course, was awake for the day. Good thing I had gotten to sleep just before midnight (also because of the nasally sputtering chain saw noises coming from my beloved) because 5 hours of sleep for me is just enough to trick my body into thinking that it has rested enough, yet not so much that I can actually function well. I like 8-10 hours. In my (day)dreams.

Since the Amazing Chain Saw Man had woken me, I decided to take advantage of the early morning awake time and go to the 7:30 yoga class. I thought that I was going to one of the two beginner classes that I typically attend, which are challenging enough for me to get a workout and tone my body, but restorative enough for me to feel that lovely post-yoga balanced glow.

When I got to the studio, I noticed quite a few 20-somethings. Super fit ones. I thought to myself "Great, I have major panty lines. I just need a place in the back of the room".  No go. The back was full. So I selected a spot in between two willowy young ladies in the center row and did some light stretching.

The instructor walked in and said, "Did you all get the weights that you wanted?" and I looked around in confusion to see weights stacked by every one's mat. So I walked to the back where I noticed an instructor that I am familiar with (who was taking the class) gathering some weights next to me. I tilted my head much like Red Dog does when you say "biscuit?" and asked her, "What class is this?"
She said "Sculpt."
I said "Crap."
Then I think she laughed at me in through her pretty little 20-something mouth and took her tight little I-have-never-had-any-babies-and-I-work-out-every-day body back to her mat.

I lumbered over to mine trying to think positively, but quite frankly, I had mentally prepared myself for 60 minutes of stretching, toning, breathing and restoration and working out in heat with weights was not on my to-do list today.

Looking back, I mock my pseudo positive attitude.

First of all, let me advise you not to take a class led by Satan. And I have a whole new respect for anyone who works out with Jillian Michaels (whom I happen to love, from the comfort of Eleanor).

b.) Half a cookie and half a cup of coffee is not sufficient pre-Workout From Hell nutrition.

Third, don't try to be a fucking hero when you see all the super fit people in class dropping into child's pose when they are supposed to be doing the leaping frog or whatever the fuck that horrible move is. All I know is that I thought that my quads were suddenly paralyzed about 6 hops in....

4.) Don't attempt a workout that you could have barely made it through when you were in peak condition playing high school sports.... in a 95 degree room.

Last, listen to your body. When it tells you that it is done. Be done. When you later lose your vision to a series of dots and squiggles, you will thank yourself for leaving early.

I stayed in the class as long as I could (about 35 minutes) and then I got so overheated that I actually feared that I was either going to spontaneously combust or my face was going to melt off like a bad scene from a Steven King movie, and I left the room to cool down. When I went back in I briefly considered rejoining the humiliation and physical torture the class, but I decided I had had enough and grabbed my things. Honestly, I was so fatigued I worried that I would injure myself due to the lack of control of my muscles and the inability to hold the poses properly. That and I was a little angry with the instructor. I have NEVER been pushed that hard in a workout, especially in that kind of heat at 7:30 in the damn morning. Satan.

So I left, and my head was spinning with "I quit. Does that mean I'm a quitter? I never quit!" and "Why? WHY? Didn't I read the schedule?" and "I've taken that class before and it kicked my butt but this instructor taught it so much differently" and "Cheese and rice! I just wanted to balance myself and start my day with some stretching!"

By the time I got home I was congratulating myself for my intelligent decision to go because I literally was seeing squiggles and dots and then I got a searing headache and felt nauseated. Special.

So because of my semi-conscious (it was really early) choice to exercise I basically gave myself some kind of a heat stroke, which forced me into bed, which forced Brock to stay home and take care of the kids, which foiled my plans for getting the refrigerator cleaned today. Again. There is always next month for that.....

P.S. I'm fine now.

>>>>What sorts of unplanned things have you done to yourself?


  1. Learn from me. The next time you are woken up unexpectedly and get the urge to get out of bed and go to the gym for a workout, ROLL OVER and lay there until the urge goes away!

    You'll thank me.

  2. i like the suggestion above. :) but of course, i don't look like you do either! napping doesn't exactly burn calories... :)

  3. I cannot begin to father waking with the urge to do anything other than eat pancakes.

    Therefore, you're much better off than me. Especially since I'm still hooked on Diet Pepsi (love the phrase "basically drinking cancer", but there are times when I think cancer might be worth it).

  4. @Canis- I will heed your advice from this point forward.
    @Tex- but napping DOES burn calories! I read an interview with Penelope Cruz where she said a major part of her slim physique was due to sleeping 10-12 hours a day. Bitch.
    @Ifbyyes- You made me laugh! Now I want pancakes. Actually, I want waffles.

  5. Heat AND weights? What kind of crazy is that?

  6. Exactly. Completely unnecessary crazy.

  7. Freaking shoot me. I have enough problems getting thru yoga on my Wii Fit. I'm currently attempting to become a "runner" using the couch to 5k thing. So far, I've made it to "fast walker".