Monday, May 16, 2011

Now, that's just not right.....

10 Things that happened within the week to make me question whether God really does love me....

1. I opened my new protein powder container for the shakes that I make for my family when I don't feel like cooking.... um, I make shakes almost every day...and this is what it looked like.

This is what I buy. It must be great for you
because it turns your pee fluorescent yellow,
like vitamins...or asparagus.

This is exactly what it looked like when I opened it.
No worries, there wasn't a finger in it; that belongs
to me, but look how far down the powder is from
the top of the container! I paid a lot of
money for extra packaging. That blows.
 2. I had to move the trash can into the dog room because the baby kept eating of of it. Think about that one for a moment.

3. I was relieved when Thing 1 went down for a nap (he will be 4 years old in a few weeks) because I don't have to watch Thing 2 as closely (he just turned one and eats out of trash cans.)

4. This:

5. I finally found an intelligent person at Verizon who told me how to retrieve my pictures off my old phone and upload them to my computer. When I went to install the "free software" I was asked for my credit card number so that they could charge $34.95 for it. I had thought it was free, so I did a little research and this is the message I got:

"I thought the software was free. Why am I being asked to pay?
The software is completely free of charge. What you pay goes towards supporting our technical team and for the creation of more user guides. If you’re not satisfied, you can always cancel your membership and keep the software."

Special. Guess what asshats at Zune? Paying for something means it is not free! I sent the lemon phone back to Verizon with all sorts of adorable pictures of my Things. So much for protecting the identity of my children....

6. Since the Thing's cover is blown, here is an example of my husband's photography skills:
Wow Honey! You got 1 out of 4 faces! Great Job!
I swear I did not doctor this.

7. Now I know where Thing 1 gets his photography skills from!

I know that he gets his skills from his dad, because I still have mine!!!
 8. I have it on good authority that an updated version of grunge is in the fashion forecast. It will now be called Americus. Dust off your logger boots and your moccasins, raid your dad's flannel shirt collection and be a slob a stylish trendsetter like me! I like to be one step ahead of the game. Or maybe I'm so far behind that I think I'm first.... Either way! Prepare yourself for THIS:

It's a coming, people. Don't deny it.
Coming this September.....
P.S. Here is a picture of my fashion forecaster. She knows what the fuck she is talking about.

Seriously? I know, right?
Sorry boys, she is taken.
 I'll be consulting her in the future for my fashion posts because Thing 1 was getting a little too gleeful in dressing up in my shoes and I do not want to be the reason that he is a closeted cross- dresser. I can hear the therapy sessions now: 

Therapist: "So why do you think you are wearing your wife's clothing when she is away on business?"

Thing 1: "I have special memories of my mom and I smiling while I was wearing her shoes when I was three. Other than that I spent my entire three year old year in time out for beating on my little brother and taking his toys."

Therapist: "So you think that your mother loved you most when you were playing dress-up in her closet because that is when the two of you had your special one-on-one time?" 

Thing 1: "Yes, I am a straight man wearing women's clothing because my mother was a horrible person. It is her fault that I am confused. It is her fault that my wife caught me stretching out her Jimmy Choo's. IT IS ALL MY MOTHER'S FAULT!"

Not that there is anything wrong with cross dressing, but I don't need to feel responsible for forcing it on my firstborn son.
No thanks.

9. I spent $264 on groceries last week and I could find nothing to eat in my house within 4 days.

10. I had to avoid yoga class on Saturday night because my stomach was not right and I had serious concern that I would rip ass in the middle of a downward facing dog, so I went on a walk with my family instead and "freshened up" our local natural area. No mosquitoes bothered us..... Was that an overshare? Weird how I just don't care.


  1. You are totally rocking the Smells Like Teen Spirit look.

  2. #1 One reminds me of how I feel when I open a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips and it's like 1/4 of the way full.
    I decided I can take it in one of two ways:
    1) A message from God telling me I should eat less Salt and Vinegar Chips.
    2) I should go buy some more.

  3. (chuckling at Tricia's comment.)

    My prayer tonight: Dear God, please help CornFed Girl. She's a mess...

  4. @CoFlo- I am now going to go write poems and song lyrics with my hair tucked behind my ear...
    @Tricia- I feel the same way about the cracked pepper and sea salt chips. I always buy two bags.
    @Tex- True- and thank you. Someone needs to be praying for me. I also think I would look better with a sponsor, so pray for that too while you are at it. You think I'm bad? You should see our garage. *chanting* Sponsor sponsor sponsor.

  5. lol @ 10. Freaking hilarious. And I feel ya with #9. Seems like I eat all the good stuff in the first couple days.

  6. About the packaging... yes!!! I knew I as not dreaming it!! Everything is differnet. Like my bag of pupperonis for the dogs... used to be 2 lbs. Big heavy bag. We just bought the "usual" bag the other day and noticed it only said 1 lb but the bag was the same size. The treats itself were like an inch shorter than usual. Rip off! They think people don't notice stuff like that?!

  7. I'm totally trying to get photos off of an old phone. I have a USB cord that connects the phone to the computer, and I found the driver, but still nothing... argh!

  8. Sometimes, I wonder "God, is there anyone else like me out there in the universe?" and then I am reminded of your blog. I too, avoid yoga for the same reason. It's like we're the same person.

  9. @Lauren- I think all the grocery money goes to baby products. Strained peas- yummy.
    @Furry- Thank you for the reinforcement. We should start a petition or something!
    @Ifbyyes- Have you tried throwing the phone into oncoming traffic? It might make you feel better.
    @Elizabeth- I'll bet if we stood side by side people would think we were twins!

  10. My sister used to dress me in a tutu, and now I am a cross-dresser so just be careful :) My sister also forced me to post on your blog. Just for some added effect.

  11. @Jane- I am honored! You look beautiful in red, by the way.
    Damn sisters. I think that you should dress up as an evil clown, hide under your sister's bed and scare the bejesus out of her. For me, pretty please? :)