Thursday, May 5, 2011

My pets make all the tree dwellers in my yard exceedingly angry. Help me.

Tish over at Luv & Kiwi recently posted a picture of some baby birdies that hatched in an outdoor lamp. First I went "Awwww.." and then I shuddered at the memory of the bucket, the fledgling and a very pregnant me last spring.

Photo from

We have a variety of things in our yard. First of all, we have trees. Lots and lots of trees on our little one acre slice of the American Dream. The trees are filled with many living things. Squirrels (angry ones that defecate on my head, I'm not joking), birds (a variety, but mostly Blue Jays, because they are angry mean motherfuckers that chase all the other birds out of the yard), mosquitoes (betcha didn't know that Ft. Collins had swamps! Well, it does...and that is were we live! Some people call it the "river bottom", the Poudre River bottom. Pronounced Poo-der, I seriously couldn't even make that up....),bats (such cuddly little dudes, but they eat the hoards of mosquitoes) and then my array of pets that anger, maim and kill the above mentioned species.

So there I was early one morning last spring, 9 months pregnant, miserable and resembling a Weeble Wobble, when I found a fledgling bird in a very shallow bucket of water~like maybe an inch of water. He wasn't going anywhere. I think the poor little guy was stunned. Let's call him Fred. Freddie the Fledgling. I gently turned the bucket onto its side so that little Freddie could hop out and fly, fly away. I prayed that he would do it quickly, before the dogs or the cats found him (Momo the Homo was still alive and hunting). I went inside and carried on with my day.

Some six hours later that same day, after I had put Thing 1 down for his nap, I was talking on the phone and told my friend about the bird, then I had the brilliant idea to go and check on him. I was still on the phone when I walked outside, and little Freddie was still sitting, quite stunned, in the bucket; which was still resting on its side. The friend that I was speaking with at the time is a veterinarian. Since I had a professional opinion at my disposal, I asked her what I should do. She advised me to get the bird out of the bucket for fear that the stupid confused little guy would perish. So I balanced the phone on my shoulder and slowly "dumped" Freddie from the bucket. I was inexplicably nervous. It was a BABY BIRD, what could happen? I was setting the bucket down when Freddie dashed under it, resulting in me temporarily pinning him under the bucket.

I thought that Freddie was the strong and silent type, seeing as he had sat quietly in a bucket for at least six hours. But when that bucket came down on top of him he became a little Christina Aguilera, screeching at the top of his lungs. And that is when "the watchers" appeared. I swear, 400 Blue Jays that had apparently been observing this predicament from the trees, descended on me in full attack mode. They were like Nazi fighter jets coming out of the sky, aimed at my head. I think I caught a glimpse of one of them wearing a Hell's Angel jacket and another had a skull and crossbones tattoo. I threw my arm over my head (I was still on the phone), swiftly kicked the bucket off of little Freddie, who was unharmed, and "ran" back to the house. Need I remind you that I was 9 months pregnant?  I had as much speed and grace as hippopotamus bogged down in a mud hole.

Rest assured, Freddie was safe, I didn't go into labor and I still have both of my eyeballs, but I will think twice about "rescuing" a baby Blue Jay in the future without wearing full body armor and a helmet.

What have you done with good intentions that almost caused you harm? Would you do it again? 


  1. I literally laughed out loud, nearly spitting up my breakfast. Great way to start a day, thank you!

  2. lol I have laughed so hard my pants button popped. I kid you not. Oh my...Can't breath. Great imagery there Johi...


  3. No good deed goes unpunished. =)That is why I try to be bad every day. Now, I will also have to be bad to birds. The list is getting so long.

    You crack me up.