Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It seems like a losing battle...

I read this comment on Monday's post from the hilarious Phoenix Rising on Monday and laughed so hard that I almost snorted coffee out my nose:

Wow! You are like Super Accomplisher Woman. You should really have a cape.

You see, we did have a busy weekend. And Something Rare happened. We actually left the house. This is not a common occurrence because:

1. It is a massive pain in the arse and I almost give myself an aneurysm trying to remember everything that I might need...you know- just in case. I packed four little bags of shit for the kids to be gone for the day. FOUR. Not to mention the stroller, the backpack and the pack and play. I either over pack to leave or do something the complete opposite that is entirely unreasonable like "Let's go to the park without any extra diapers, water or sunscreen! Wheeeeee!"

2. If I do happen to get things accomplished around here, it is at the expense of something else. Clean the house? Ignore the kids. Cook dinner? Ignore the kids. Write a blog post? Ignore my spouse. Yardwork? Ignore everyone. You get the picture.

3. I can't even finish an hour long yoga class. Remember?

4. I'm a scattered mess of a woman in need of a lot of ginkgo.... or cross word puzzles....or a straight jacket. I normally get basically nothing accomplished, and the things that I do accomplish are not without a great battle or some kind of a failure on my part. I will explain:

We did make it home safely on Sunday evening. It would have been timely as well, except that we had to stop on the side of the road in the canyon for 15 minutes to clean up Thing 2's vomit, which is when I realized that in my four bags of necessities, I did not have an extra set of pj's for my baby. We found some too small pants and an old, dirty (it had dried poo on it) onsie and dressed him in that. We were parked on a corner, in a little pull out by a dam and I got nervous every time a car came around the corner which was unavoidable because it is a canyon, where there are only corners. Then as I was standing on the passenger side of the vehicle beside my husband, I realized that the truck, which contained both of my babies and neither adult, was on a downhill slope with the raging river in front of it, and I almost had a minor panic attack. You see, the parking brake on my truck is not the most reliable thing in the world (cut to me driving all the way to the grocery store with the parking brake engaged). So I stood there for a good minute deciding what would be the best thing to do when the truck started rolling forward and decided that me getting my stupid ass in the truck was probably key to resolving any parking brake issues that might arise. I then let Brock finish cleaning up and climbed back into the driver's seat.

When I was going about my day on Monday, I realized I had misplaced a few items. I was missing a baby Keen shoe. One. They were frigging expensive, like $50. I looked everywhere and could not find it, so I called my friend who hosted the party and asked her if she had seen it. I felt a little panicked about losing such an expensive shoe, so I sent her on a wild goose chase that included looking under her bed and in the street where we had been parked. No luck. I was convinced that it had fallen out of the truck during the puke cleanup in the canyon. Dammit.

I later found the tiny shoe tucked neatly inside of one of my husband's giant hiking boots.

Then, around 9 pm that night, I noticed that I hadn't seen my cell phone since I was at that party the night before.

I tried calling it from my home phone and I ran around the house listening for it to ring. Then I ran outside (it was dark) and called it again and listened in the driveway and inside my truck. I even looked under the seats where I found a missing pacifier and a Thomas the Train, but no $250 cell phone that I just spent countless hours with people I had not desire to pass time with (remember Crazy Eyes and the Transient?) to replace. So I got my husband's phone and texted my friend, asking her if she had seen the phone. She said "No, but I found your vest." because it is normal for me to leave pieces of clothing at people's houses. I get hot, okay? So then we texted back and forth for about 1/2 an hour about all the places I could have left it in her house, but in the back of my mind I JUST KNEW that it fell out during the vomit episode in the canyon, because it was such a frenzy that I had to have left something important on the side of that road by accident.

After I bothered her for 1/2 an hour at bedtime, I finally looked into the bottom of one of the four emptied bags of useless crap that I packed and found my phone, which was on silent and taunting me. It was hidden in a black bag because the phone is black. Now I want to bedazzle it in pink rhinestones so that I don't lose it again. I immediately texted my friend and told her that I discovered the phone hiding in a bag and she texted me back "You better pull your head out too." which made me laugh because THAT my friends, is more like it. I am not Super Accomplisher Woman with a cape, I am Get Yer Head Out of Yer Arse Woman with her lost glasses perched on top of her head and her lost phone in her back pocket.

I finally did discover what I lost on the side of that road while we were cleaning up the baby. I lost my mind.


Muahahahahahaha..... hahahaha.....waffles?
I am merely a moment away from the smeared lipstick, hair rollers and ceramic cat collection.


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9 comments:

  1. I lose my phone in my back pocket all the time...

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  2. (fyi - if you switch your comment setting from 'embed below post' to a pop-up box or window, it will resolve a lot of the problems folks are having leaving comments. it seems to be the most sensitive of the 3 comment options).

    glad you have 'found' all your stuff! you can leave the vomit at the roadside drop-off.

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  3. I go to the park with no water or diapers all the time. I pack bags and bags of stuff only to be without the critical item all the time... I think I found my cellphone tucked inside Bruce's hiking boot once. I've recently taken to regularly losing my earrings, since I take them off if I'm on the phone too long or if the girls keep tugging on them. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

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  4. HAHA that sounds exactly like me. My husband will never understand that being responsible for objects like phones and wallets is so stressful. That's why I told him when we have kids we are getting them kid leashes, not to prevent them from running away, but to prevent me from leaving them somewhere.

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  5. Hehehe...oh the road to insanity should be lined with sparkly rocks, chocolate and boat loads of wine!!!

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  6. You should totally match your phone to mine. The back is covered with puffy stickers-- a unicorn and stars. It makes it easier to find and cushions the blow every time I drop it. Which is a lot.

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  7. I would like to reply to all of your comments but I am off to buy puffy unicorn and star stickers...

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  8. I must say that I do NOT miss the days when my kids were younger and I was a SAHM. Not even a little bit. If I want to go somewhere guess what? I can drop whatever I'm doing and go spur of the moment. Without packing anything. Well, except chapstick because I would die without it.

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  9. I, like you Canis, and Napolean Dynamite, must have my chapstick too. I completely understand.

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