Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'm a Beotch. Period.

If I do have any male readers left, this post is not for you. GO HERE  and have a look see and a chuckle instead. Cheers.

For the women though, I have something to talk about today.

Every 23 days, for 6 days, I am a wretched, miserable bitch. Then there is that week of PMS, and the other days that something just isn't right with my body (my back hurts, my bursitis is flaring up, my hair looks so bad I consider shaving it, I fell off of my shoe and my ankle is throbbing, I just spent three days consuming red meat, wine and chocolate.... you know- the typical stuff). So that leaves a window of 3-7 days every month where I am not a fire breathing, lip-curled snarling, hackles raised, teeth baring she-devil. Wow. WTF? My husband is a lucky, lucky man.

So what are we as a female species supposed to do about this? Medicate? Alter our hormones? Smile blankly though our Stepford Wives lipstick and perfectly coiffed hair?

Yeah, I don't know either.

That leaves me with this knowledge and these options:

1. My liver gets enough of a workout with wine and I probably don't need to be tossing a bunch of pills on top of that. And NO, I am not giving up wine for Midol.

2. Every time I have altered my hormones in the past, I immediately gain 10 pounds, but it only applies itself below the boob-line. So I end up looking like a bowling pin with size nine hooves. Then I am pissed off EVERY SINGLE DAY because my jeans don't fit and my thighs are perpetually rubbing together. Not a good option.

3. I could take the two hours necessary and spend it making myself look pretty, so that I can stare at myself in the mirror repeating the Stuart Smalley mantra of "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."

4. Or I could send my husband to "How to Train Your Dragon" school and let him deal with it while I sit back and snarl at him over my coffee cup.

Image from magicalcreatures.com
 5. But I probably should exercise until I am too sweaty, muscle sore and exhausted to even feel pain from cramping or have the proper amount of energy required to be "that special kind" of bitch (a corn fed one, I guess?).

Off to try number 5. Wish me luck.

P.S. I heard somewhere not to do inverted yoga poses when having our "special visitor". Has anyone else heard this? Is there any truth to it? Ehhh....


  1. I can totally sympathize. Although for me, I would just toss back a couple Pamprins WITH my red wine. It's just a few days a month... AND it helps you to pee more, getting rid of that stupid stuff.

  2. I ate 3 Advil for breakfast. :)

  3. I am a midol girl. and a hot water bottle girl and a foot bath girl. One hour of a hot water bottle, a cat and a foot bath and some good tv or movies will change your whole attitude.

    Oh and ice cream.

  4. I am in favor of wine or ice cream or chocolate too, along with 3 Advil gelcaps (really do think they work better/faster).

    I hear you, Johi. I even went back on the pill for a while to try to deal with all of this garbage. It really helped but caused a whole new set of issues (weight gain, skin breakouts, not to mention that it completely zapped my libido ... TMI?).

    We. Are. Screwed. As. Aging. Women.

  5. I vote for the Midol with the wine, red or white optional and sending Husband to the "How to train your dragon" class. Do you know if they offer that class in Texas? I figure he might have a better chance if I am doped up on midol and wine.

  6. Uh...am I the only person whose brain immediately goes to medieval torture devices at the thought of...what was it...inverted yoga poses? Good lord, woman, forget your period, maybe that's your problem! All the inversion. More power to you though. I wish I could invert. Or yog.

  7. I was doing the Midol thing until I got preggo. Now, for example, I threw a bawling, raging fit over a coffee cup at Ihops with the man a few days ago and realized what very little control I have over my emotions right now. It was never that bad before, EVER.

  8. I am a practicer of the torturous medieval act of yoga. I find what's most helpful is the focused breathing regardless of the poses. Hope you're feeling better soon.

  9. The PMS always hit me worse when I was stressed. Now that my inerds have been ripped out of my body and I'm on a hormone my moods are so freaking stable. That is one of the main benefits to the hormone. The weight gain....SUCKS! Now it's 10 times the work, half the results.

    Go have another glass of wine. I hope you get feeling better.

  10. I am going to the doctor (again!) tomorrow for my raging PMDD. I am going to request being put in a medically-induced coma for a week before my period starts.

    And I know what you mean about your husband's luck. I feel great about 5 days out of the month. The rest of the time? Yikes. Getting 'lucky' with me is like planning a lunar landing, my husband says.

  11. I've also heard not to do those inverted poses while it's that very oh-so special time of the month. Sometimes, I pretend it's that time of the month just so I can have a breather during class.

    I get all ragey and hormonal for a week before the special visit, so really, this shit takes up at least two weeks of my month, every month. Ugh.

  12. Easy. Wine, Midol and Chocolate. No inverted Yoga...that could be really messy. I know, gross. I get so sick of my monthly Bitch arrival that I sometimes just leave myself in the house until it's over. LOL