For the women though, I have something to talk about today.
Every 23 days, for 6 days, I am a wretched, miserable bitch. Then there is that week of PMS, and the other days that something just isn't right with my body (my back hurts, my bursitis is flaring up, my hair looks so bad I consider shaving it, I fell off of my shoe and my ankle is throbbing, I just spent three days consuming red meat, wine and chocolate.... you know- the typical stuff). So that leaves a window of 3-7 days every month where I am not a fire breathing, lip-curled snarling, hackles raised, teeth baring she-devil. Wow. WTF? My husband is a lucky, lucky man.
So what are we as a female species supposed to do about this? Medicate? Alter our hormones? Smile blankly though our Stepford Wives lipstick and perfectly coiffed hair?
Yeah, I don't know either.
That leaves me with this knowledge and these options:
1. My liver gets enough of a workout with wine and I probably don't need to be tossing a bunch of pills on top of that. And NO, I am not giving up wine for Midol.
2. Every time I have altered my hormones in the past, I immediately gain 10 pounds, but it only applies itself below the boob-line. So I end up looking like a bowling pin with size nine hooves. Then I am pissed off EVERY SINGLE DAY because my jeans don't fit and my thighs are perpetually rubbing together. Not a good option.
3. I could take the two hours necessary and spend it making myself look pretty, so that I can stare at myself in the mirror repeating the Stuart Smalley mantra of "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
4. Or I could send my husband to "How to Train Your Dragon" school and let him deal with it while I sit back and snarl at him over my coffee cup.
|Image from magicalcreatures.com|
Off to try number 5. Wish me luck.
P.S. I heard somewhere not to do inverted yoga poses when having our "special visitor". Has anyone else heard this? Is there any truth to it? Ehhh....