Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How to feel petite and also how to irritate the piss out of me.

I have a few pet peeves. I am going to say right up front that I am also a giant hypocrite. There.

I eat a lot. And I eat fast. It probably should be called "snarfing" instead of "eating" when I do it. My sister does this as well. We both blame it on high school where we had only 20 minutes for lunch break. "But 20 minutes is an ample amount of time for eating lunch!" you protest. "Yes..." I would respond, "except that we also had to go the the ladies room, visit our locker and get in a full game of HORSE on the basketball court in that amount of time, leaving us about 4.5 minutes in which to eat." You see, I've been multitasking for years.

Where I am going with this is that I eat fast, and am aware of that, but I consciously try to eat in an area that is well outside of the acceptable "personal space bubble" of others. My husband, on the other hand offends me fairly consistently on two levels:
  1. He has no concept of my personal space bubble and often hovers directly behind me or beside me when I am tasking. Cuddling on the couch is one thing, I'm all for a nice couch cuddle. He chooses close moments for times like: when I am loading the dishwasher, or cleaning the counters, or pretty much doing anything in the kitchen that I just want to complete as quickly as possible. What I don't want to do is ram my skull into his shoulder or chin. What I don't want is to have to slow down so that I don't gore him with a kitchen knife while I am on my way to putting it away. What I don't want to do is get unconsciously irritated and throw an elbow..... whoops. That only happened once. Okay, maybe twice.
  2. He also eats too close to me. And he is a lip smacker. A loud one. This morning he actually managed to do it twice. The first was hovering over me while I was putting away laundry... in our BEDROOM... slurping up cereal and milk like he was eating it through a straw. I literally ran at him. He picked up on my subtle hint and took his cereal into another room. The second was later in the morning when he was standing waaaaayyy to close to me while shoving a banana in his cake hole. Then I got to hear all the mushy, smacky, squishy, sticky banana versus the tongue noises. I shudder in remembrance. Not only because of my personal feelings about bananas that I shared with you in this post, but also because I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU EATING!!!! Oh. Mah. Gawd.
Really, I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest and shared it with the world. I read it to my spouse for approval and he laughed. You see, this is all part of his master plan to come home to find me with rollers in my hair, red lipstick all over my face, in my bathrobe talking to my ceramic cat collection. I was hoping he would say something along the lines of "Do I do that? I'm sorry honey, I'll make a mental note to eat more quietly and respect your personal space bubble." Ha. Dream on Johi.

In other news, if you ever need to feel tiny, find this man and have your picture taken with him.

Could I be a bigger dork? Nope.
 Who is that handsome guy?
Why that would be Ritch Rand, master hatter. He is tiny. Only 6'8". Poor guy. I'll bet he got picked on a lot. Ritch and I go way back. Back to the days when I was young, cute and vibrant and I used to use that charm and sell his custom made cowboy hats. This was one of the parts of my years in retail that I actually enjoyed, because he was awesome to work for (i.e he used to provide me with gambling money and martinis) and his hats are very high quality. You can check out his merchandise (not that merchandise. Sicko. The HATS.) at his website. Cool stuff. Come to think of it, I was trying to sell my husband one of his hats while my husband was trying to figure out how to ask me out. So... it is actually Ritch's fault that I married a lip smacking, space invader. Holy hell. I love it when I can blame others! My work here is done.


  1. ooh. the hovering would REALLY bug me. i think i'd be okay with the smacking, but i might have to throw more than elbows in a moment of claustrophobic panic. :)

  2. Claustrophobic panic is EXACTLY what it is. And I'm strung like a friggin piano. I'm fun to be around. :)

  3. When I'm in "mode", my guy knows to be at least out of the room I'm working in. In some cases I've run him all the way out of the house to the garage, where he's safe.

  4. Food smacking!!! AHHH I shudder reading this! I am so thankful my husband is not a smacker! My father, however, is the poster boy for it. Especially with a pepper mint. Holy crap it's so annoying. And when my friends don't get on to their children for smacking their food? So hard to keep my mouth shut!

  5. AHHH!! Just last night my hubby did that on the couch. I was sitting all cozy in our quite house watching some relaxing baseball...when he comes home late and ravishing. The shoving, smacking, chomping, inhaling of food...ugh..it pissed me off obviously! I'm still kind of cranky about it this morning.

    My hubby also does that "invade my space" thing...all...the...time!! It annoys the hell out of me! I'm a personal-space-bubble kind of girl...he's a touchy, feely, need to caress your woman-ness all the time kind of guy. Drives me BONKERS (which, btw, do you remember that candy from our childhood??? Bonkers! It was my fave!!)

  6. Thanks a lot, Johi. You've made me think about chewing noises, which means I can hear them in my head, which makes me cringe. A LOT.

    I'm right there with you on that one, for sure.

  7. I am ALL ABOUT blaming others. And checking out men's merchandise. Oh wait, not that kind. Damn. What a letdown.

    i am married to a hover-er. He should probably read this. Yes, yes i think I will forward this to him

  8. Your husband could be BFF with Weasley, my cat. He always wants to be next to you or hovering, and one of these days I'm afraid he is going to loose a tail!

  9. I'm glad you all can side with me. Seriously. I'm reading all your comments to the lip smacker when he gets home. Have I mentioned how lucky my husband is to have snagged such a sweet gentile lady such as myself?
    @Tova- I had a cat that would always watch me when I changed my clothes. He LOVED me.