Sunday, April 3, 2011

Free Yoga, Pre-School Educational Materials and More Mind Numbing Babble.

As I am sitting here with my kids (where the hell is my husband?) I decided to share a few tips with my readers. I'll call them my "Daily Tips" since I haven't done one of those in a month or so. No one is paying me to advertise for them, I'm just kindly passing along my newfound "freebies!" to my loverly readers. You. Are. Welcome.

First of all, if you have a preschool aged child who wants to be just like you and spend too much time on the computer, I highly recommend going to http://www.starfall.com/ , which is what Thing 1 is doing at this very moment on our home computer. He LOVES it! And *BONUS* it is educational and you don't have to listen to Dora singing.

Secondly, I am sitting here with only 10% soreness in my back and with hardly any bursa joint pain in my hips. Why, you ask? No, I didn't swallow half a bottle of Ibuprofen (or wine). The reason that I feel close to my actual age as opposed to 84 is because my awesome friend told me about http://www.corepoweryoga.com/ and how they have a coupon for a free week. I heard the word "Free" and got pretty excited. (Unless you are from my tiny hometown, check out the website because they have studios in many cities.) She then invited me to attend a class with her today. I said "sure!". However, when I went to print my coupon, I realized the class was called "Power Sculpt", which sounded hard. Then I noticed something else. It immediately gave me anxiety and caused me to perspire. The room in which the power sculpting of my body (HA!) would be happening was heated to the evil temperature of 90-95 degrees. I can handle 90-95 when I am sitting in my lawn chair with an ice cold beer, but exercising in such heat constitutes cruel and unusual punishment in my book. So what did I do? I stressed about it and then I called my friend and told her to convince me, because I was feeling monumental amounts of anxiety. (...over doing YOGA- which is supposed to calm and center you...)  She refused to be tough on me so I had to do it myself. I ended up persuading my own pathetic ass go to yoga class.

I must admit, the fact that it was a frigid 30 degrees outside and my hands were purple (doesn't every one's hands turn purple when they are cold? No? How about your lips? Do they? No? Oh, never mind.) made the extreme heat sound more tempting.

So I went to the fucking hot yoga class. I met two friends there, who are both in better shape than I. HEY! I just had a baby! 11 months ago.....

I handled the first 20 minutes or so as well as my old lady body could. Then I started to get fatigued. Then the heat started to wilt me. Then I started wondering when the class would end. Then the instructor kept saying "this is the last one!", but she meant the last of that particular position. Then she burned out your triceps and made you do 3 more triceps poses. Then she said to do that horrible pose where you balance on your tailbone (OUCH) and hold your legs straight out and up and lift your head and pump your arms. I guess it is called the full boat pose. I call it The DEVIL POSE.

This lady is demonstrating the proper pose. Photo swiped from Yoga Journal.
HP_214_ParipurnaNavasana_248.jpg

This is more what I looked like. I gave myself boobs and a flat stomach, because this is my damn blog and I wanted to.

The darkness below my body is SWEAT, not a shadow.
My hair was sweating. MY HAIR.

 I glanced around the class thinking "No actual human can do this" only to see my friend, right next to me, in perfect boat pose. Shit.

Then I knew what I had long suspected. I am seriously out of shape.

So I will use my free pass this week as much as my schedule will allow. By this time next week I will be transformed into a FREAKING YOGA GODDESS.

I'll also be taking the regular temperature classes for beginners, because the shade of red that is my face in a heated room is not natural for human skin and I think I was frightening people.

And then there are the subliminal messages that I have been receiving, like this one on my popcorn bag:



I call Bullshit!

If I were "not a winner", would my pantry look like THIS?????

KA-CHOW!
I know! Total WINNER!
WINNING!
Clearly I had an OCD moment over the weekend, but it worked out well for both me and my pantry.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Johi

8 comments:

  1. HeeHee Your pantry looks fab, I am jealous! Come do mine.

    My reaction to that yoga class - it sucked, I thought I would die at one point, I can't believe that I almost fell on K, and I loved it!

    I'll trade my ability to do that thing (love your sketch, btw) for your upper body! Really. How about now.

    Your child's use of the pc is more impressive than mine's ... he uses it to get cheating tips for Wii Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and Bat Man. Impressive. ;)

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  2. Anyone whose pantry looks that organized is just mentally ill and should seek professional help. One of my friend's pantry looks like that, and she is seriously on medication for just that type of thing...

    Yoga, I tried that once. BWAHHHAAAAA! It is totally unnatural to sit like that (the full boat pose)

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  3. I just had another thought about the pantry, even if mine did look like that Husbnad would still open the door and then say "It's NOT in here" and I would still have to get up, walk into the kitchen and point to whatever he was looking for.

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  4. I LOVE hot yoga. It takes a while to get used to the room, but I think it's amazing. Probably because I'm ALWAYS cold, so the hot yoga room feels normal to me :P

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  5. I'm getting ready to sign up for some free preggo yoga. I've never been able to even touch my toes so this should be interesting. And my pantry looks the same except with ants!

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  6. @Linda- I went to the "unheated" class, it warmed up to 87. :) And, you don't want this upper body, it is so hard to get men to look at my face.... blahaha!
    @Tina- You crack me up! I probably do need medication. My husband is the SAME WAY. WTF?
    @Urban- It felt good for awhile, then I wanted to flee.
    @Brandy- Just do what is comfortable to your body and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Ants? Gah!

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  7. Johi, your drawings are fantastic. You've perfectly captured how I feel trying to do that pose most of the time. There was a brief period between pregnancies when I was doing some kind of core exercise often enough to get it to work a little more like it's intended to. I haven't gotten there yet since giving birth 16 months ago, though...

    And your pantry is a thing of beauty. Have you seen Kirsten N's video about her closet? Maybe you two should get together and start a business!

    -Francesca

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  8. That pose should come with a disclaimer or warning or some kind. I think it's meant only for 'professionals' and should not be attempted at home.

    I'm so jealous that you have a pantry! I have this roll out cabinet that's pretty handy for those of us with two less eaters in the house, but it doesn't have that same sexy allure as a whole closet dedicated to food... and box wine (believe me, mine would have way more booze in it than food).

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