Saturday, March 19, 2011

Prank Calls and Leisure Suits

This morning I checked my phone and it alerted me that I had a message. When I checked the message, it was a sexual proposition from a blocked number that called at 1:03 a.m. In it they called me a "sexy bitch". Well, at least they got half of that correct. The most interesting part was that the voice sounded vaguely familiar... and it was a woman.

Well folks, even though I have at times told creepy grinders in a club (you know, the guys that "dance" toward you with their pelvis) that it would not "work out" for them because I was with "her"(cue grabbing my girl friend and together we would dance away from the creeper), I am not a lesbian.

So to the caller who raised my eyebrows this morning:

A) I have no idea how you got my cell phone number, but please do not call me at 1 a.m., because if you wake up my sleeping children I will have to hunt you down and flog you with a garden hose.

2) The only kind of proposition that I am likely to say yes to is the one where you offer to pay for the babysitter so that I can go to the spa treatment (that you also paid for).

45) Really?  REALLY? If I didn't personally give you my number, it is because I don't want you to call me.

D) I'm 36, which makes me officially an antique and too old for bullshit (see yesterday's post). Respect your elders.

765) Even though I love "the gays", I am not one of them. If you (blocked caller) are a man, you have your own issues to work out.

Z) Since I will not submit to your anonymous demands, I can only provide you with pictures of me in my one-of-a-kind St. Patty's Day lime green double knit polyester leisure suit. I hope this helps ease your sexual tension/needs/frustration/desires? You can thank my mother for making (and saving) the suit and my husband for taking the photos.

My husband was enjoying his job as photographer so much, and I was just so darned comfortable in this suit that the following photos are in the "photojournalistic style" of "a day in the life of Johi... in a lime green leisure suit...". Enjoy.

The laundry needs attention.

I hope you enjoyed your dinner last night.

Ohhh! I think the brownies are done!
Have a great weekend everyone~ and remember, don't be creepy.


  1. bwhahahaha!!! Holy..too funny..crap!!! That was hilarious girl!! What a hottie in your green suit! You're a riot! Love ya...have a great weekend!

  2. LMFAO!!!!!!!!! Seriously...I peed my pants A LOT! LOL A few comments>>>>>Your ass looks hhhhhot in green ;) Creative advice: put the cat down. LOL It's creepier looking than the creepers in the clubs.I think because it looks like a stohl(sp?) HA! Um you ARE a sexy bitch and NO it wasn't me calling. And 4)save me a brownie!
    (Brock should start his own supermodel photography studio. But only if your mom makes the clothes.)

  3. @Erin- the whole POINT of the cat (and the suit) was that it IS creepy. That cat is the creepiest bastard of them all (or maybe it was Brock taking pics of me putting on the green suit....). He smells sooooo incredibly foul (the cat, not Brock) that I think I am going to have to lock him out of the house.

    I found some really friggin' good gf brownies. They almost make you wish you were gluten intolerant. :)

  4. That leisure suit is HOT! You wear it well ;D
    Having some trouble imagining your Mom wearing it though... Did she have cowboy boots to match?!?!

  5. I think some gold boots really are in order.
    And as I was scrolling down, I kept thinking I was going to see a picture of you on the can, with your green leisure pants around your ankles. You know, to be true to a "day in the life" and all.

  6. @Moxie- I don't think the boots MATCHED, but it was worn with boots fo sho.
    @Tara- Ohhh! Gold boots. Yes.
    Alas, I am clearly not the classiest bitch in the world, but I do have my limits. Posting a pic of myself on the throne crosses the line for even me. :-)

  7. HeeHeeHee - I am catching up after being 'out' last week and this one made me LOL. Ok, scary, 'cause you actually look really good in that suit! xoxo

  8. Awe Lou- you need your eyes checked! :-P You can borrow it whenever you like- we all know you have the legs for it!

  9. ohsweetjesus, my life will never be the same again. that is absolutely fabulous. love, love, love it.

  10. YESSS!!! I absolutely LOVE it! And totally want one. Or maybe several in various colors. This just MADE MY DAY!!

  11. I also own a wool one in purple. It is sa-weet. I'm not sure I can button it around my belly that housed two parasites for 9 months though...