Thursday, March 3, 2011

My face isn't the only part of me made of rubber.

I have a problem that I am going now to share with all of you.  I know it is unusual for me to expose my flaws, but here goes... I have a fucking horrendous memory. I would feel horrible about it, but it apparently runs in the family because my sister doesn't remember 90% of our childhood. If you were a childhood friend who she hasn't seen in years and you start reminiscing with her about all the fun you had together and she looks at you with a blank stare it is because she has not one clue who you are.  Don't take it personally.

You all may (or may not) think I'm moderately witty, but I am deceiving you. I believe (but I am not certain) that the majority of my material is actually stolen from my friends. Not only are my friends hot, they are seriously funny.  I could make entire posts from their facebook status updates and it would be much better than this crap that I churn out. I used the word churn I now have a mental image of an Amish woman making butter~ because that is the marvelous way in which my brain works.  Back to my stolen material.  It is honestly unintentional.  I hear things that amuse me, then those things go to my brain's humor storage cabinet, but all the other information (who said it, in what context it was said, why, when, where....) flies out my ear and flutters away into the wind.  So if we talk face to face at any point in our lives and you are remotely amusing, there is a good chance I will, at some point, unwittingly quote you. Sorry. I don't seem to be in control of my life at all right now ever  stop that train before it runs off the cliff! or my mental imagery. Let's go make some memories and churn butter together...

This inability to remember things correctly is why I can't play that fun little game where you quote movies. I leave that to the people who can still actually access their previously obtained information storage area in their brain. Don't get me wrong, I like to smile, nod and laugh at all the funny, silly things that are said in movies; and on a rare and special occasion I might actually be able to identify the actor that spewed the golden nugget of theatrical genius, but I could never repeat a line verbatim.  I used all that power up in the 6th grade when my friend and I watched Sixteen Candles 856 times every weekend and memorized every line.  EVERY SINGLE LINE.  That utterly important task apparently consumed all of the space in the section of my brain that was reserved for jokes, movie quotes, proofs (I never understood those bastards), insurance companies, remembering people's names and sending birthday cards on time. Most information that I need to operate on a daily basis (like remembering my grocery bags...or even the grocery list)  now bounces off my brain like a rubber ball.  Damn you, and your 80's teen movies, John Hughes!

This is what I look like when someone wants me to play that movie quote game.

Oh,  I love that game.... er... how about Pictionary?
No? Okaaayyy.  We can try.
So I don't mean to quote you, or contort my face to look like you when I talk (because I do that too), it is just a survival instinct that I have acquired to function in society.  If I were left to my own devices, I would probably just wonder around blurting our words like "Ass Waffles!" or "Beer?" or "Vagina Wagon!" (thank goodness I would never say anything like that) in a Tourette's syndrome fashion. It is a good thing that I wasn't raised by chimpanzees*, because I would totally be picking lice off of random strangers.

*I may or may not do this anyway, even though I was raised by humans.

If you entertain me and you later hear something that sounds vaguely familiar coming from my cake hole, it is probably familiar because you said it first. Sorry. You should be flattered, because imitation is the only way I ever flatter people and it means I enjoyed your company.

Let's call it osmosis.  Or brain damage.  I like osmosis better. I know that this trait runs in the family as well because my mother picks up a strong southern accent when she spends any amount of time with people from Texas.

Ya'll come back tomorra, ya hear?


  1. bwhahaha!! Love!!!! You're so are we not hanging out?? osmosis...osmosis is better! ANd can I tell ya something.....I never saw Sixteen Candles??!! Or Breakfast Club or any other big 80's movies. I did however see all the Rambo's and Rocky's and dad controlled the TV, what can I say?!

  2. Um.......apparently Crystal and I were also separated at birth. I was about to comment until I saw that I already had?! Hmmmmmm. I haven't seen any of the chickie 80's flicks either? But HAVE seen Predator about 417 times. I can even make that cool noise that the alien did! (seriously)
    Oh....and I have not one, but TWO butter churns(churners?) as decorations on my front porch. WTF?!?!?!
    Other noteworthy items laying around my house....the box of goodies for Thing 2 before he was born. Um....NOT kidding. It's all packed and remains in my house, label and all. ALong with the birthday present for Thing 1, when he turned TWO. Things NOT in my house.....a Birthday card for you. Cuz I suck like that and everyone knows I'd never f'n mail it anyway.
    Love you!!

  3. @Erin- Have you been Amish all this time and forgotten to tell me? And I thought we were friends!

    @Crystal- I too had a decision making dad who instructed my sis and I to get up and change the channel (because at the time we didn't have a remote, then when we got one it was attached to the TV with a cord- remember those???) and we watched all those blow-'em-up movies.

    That is also why I watched every episode of Buck Rogers. Oh yeah.

  4. Too funny. I am forever forgetting my grocery list at home. Husband's favorite game is 'What movie/tv show is this person from?' I don't think it is that I can't remember, it's more I have more important things to remember than what actor was in a movie/tv show I saw in the 80's and is now making his come back. But Husband feels good when he always win the game.

  5. Heeelarious! I can totally relate. My husband and his sibs have this uncanny auditory memory where they can quote any movie they've seen. I can only quote ONE movie, and I have no idea why. Willy Wonka (the Gene Wilder version. Snozberry! Who ever heard of a snozberry!?)

  6. My friend can quote "Elf", I'm so totally jealous. Even better would be anything Monty Python.... oh well.

  7. I have one movie quote...and I'm not sure which Mel Blanc movie it's from "Where da white women at?".
    Doesn't this just scream CLASS?!

  8. ohemgee, i did this YESTERDAY. i was standing around talking to a bunch of ladies about the show Teen Mom 2 when I speculated that Amber may be taking some sort of which point one of the ladies turned to me and said, "isn't that what i said to you on sunday?" um, why yes, yes it was. ooppps. i'm a thief with poor memory. you and i may be related.

  9. Dude! I totally wrote that entire post to you yesterday in an e-mail. Seriously?

    PS - NEH!

  10. @HorsePower- I've NEVER stolen anything from you, because I don't think you are funny. Btw, it's "NI" (see, I actually can quote Monty Python!!!).
    So, fleener neener neener Pickle to you.
    Come see me soon. I need new material.
    Peace, Love and Unicorns,
    (thanks for the picture btw, it is my avatar on a site I follow- SO MANY KINDS OF AWESOME!!!)

  11. @Elizabeth- The evidence pointing to our shared gene-pool is becoming overwhelming.

  12. Do you mean this picture? I think Brock looks nice...

    PS - they prefer "manicorn", eh-hem.

  13. lol! Yes, Brock has been spending a lot of time in the meadow... uh, the gym lately.