Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm surprised that I even try.

I had high hopes for the day. 

It started by the fact that I woke up (on my own) at 6 am. That may seem early (because it is), but I did NOT wake up between the hours of 2:45 and 4:45 (in the a.m.) like I normally do, so it wasn't that torturous.  Of course I laid there until 6:25 just to be sure that it was, indeed, time to get up for the day.

What happened after that was some miracle of God.

No one else was awake.

I know.  ?????

I did yoga for 30 minutes.... in solitude.

Then I looked around at my house.  It was quiet. It was peaceful. It was tidy? Yes! The kitchen counters were clutter free and wiped clean. There were no dishes in the sink (only clean ones in the dishwasher). The toys were in an acceptable pile in the corner of the living room.  I felt empowered.  I was on top of things. My house was under control. I was like Wonder Woman!  I was going to conquer the fucking day!

I started the coffee when Thing 1 appeared around the corner with wet pants.  Immediately, as if he sensed his big brother's presence in the room, Thing 2 woke up crying. I rushed Thing 1 into the bathroom to rid him of the wet clothes and ran a bath. Then I rushed into Thing 2's room and changed the poo diaper. Then I ran back into the bathroom and shut off the bath.  As Thing 1 was crawling into the tub he whined "My tummy hurts! I'm hungry!" so I rushed into the kitchen to start the water for oatmeal and prepare a bottle for Thing 2. Then Thing 1 yells "I'm cold!" and I juggle Thing 2 on my hip with the bottle under my chin and dry off Thing 1 and get him dressed for the day. Then I remembered the laundry that I left in the dryer and the two baskets sitting in my room that still needed to be put away and the wet sheets on the bed in Thing 1's room and the....... blah blah blah.

As soon as I walked out of my child's room loaded down with the wet sheets, I noticed the house, which was the picture of tranquility only 15 minutes earlier, now looked like part of the set of the movie Twister. It was trashed with dirty dishes, food and toys. Every pillow and blanket on the couch was now covered in dog hair on the rug. Dora the Explorer was once again making me fantasize about pushing her off of Candy Cane Mountain. The kids were feral and practicing some baby wrestle mania moves. Brock was trying to leave for work and I, ever the picture of class and dignity, was still in my pajamas (which I wore for my yoga session) and in need of a shower, food for myself and food for Thing 2. I'm surprised I didn't find a cow in my refrigerater and a motorcycle wrapped around the ceiling fan.

That is when I realized that thinking that I was in any sort of "control" of my life was the equivalent to thinking that I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA know everything about parenting; which I will now prove that I most assuredly do not.

After doing a surface cleaning of the house, I yanked the baby out of his nap so that I could retrieve Thing 1 from preschool. I got there late because the electricity went out the other day and I reset the clocks wrong. ... *I now get up and change them*... As I was walking out of the school, lugging my sumo baby, Thing 1's backpack, a stack of loose paper and his newly crafted puppet bird, I noticed some other parents letting their boys play together in the front lawn of the school (which is a church). I told Thing 1 to go and play for five minutes with his classmates and then we would head home. My heart surged with love as I saw my adorable little guy run over to his classmates as fast as his little cowboy boots would let him. Then it broke when I heard one little boy say "NO! I don't want to play with YOU!" and stop my guy in his tracks by putting his hands on his chest.  I held my breath and bit my lip to see what my little guy was going to do. He waited until the boy turned around, then he ran after him, giggling and laughing.

Thank God he has his father's thick skin.

Then I noticed about three minutes later that Thing 1 was standing under a giant pine tree, in the middle of town, in front of a church, with his pants around his ankles peeing on the lawn.


I don't know where on Earth he picked that up...

Hey, we are just simple country folk. Where IS my banjo?

On the way home I talked with Thing 1 about hurting people's feelings.  I felt like we made progress as he informed me that he would never want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Satisfied that my child was an emotionally advanced steward of moral consciousness, I cranked up the radio and was singing along to "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield . Then Thing 1 piped up from the backseat, "I don't like that song. It hurts my feelings."

Universe: 3, 567
Johi: 0


  1. I love it that I got four cleaning ads from Google when I posted this.

  2. hahahahah!!! HOly crap...too funny! First about the time you have at under control...shit hits the fan. ALWAYS! BUt those stolen moments of perfection and quiet are sure enjoyable. Glad your kiddo didn't let that stinker hurt his feelings. My boys have soft feelings...they get them hurt a lot. And the peeing outside is priceless. My boys LOVE to pee freely. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!. Our oldest used to pee in our front yard all the time...we lived across from the mayor. Oops!!

  3. Gawd, I LOVE that photo. Wish I had a camera for the time I walked out and caught the Schwans delivery man peeing on my driveway. Precious.

  4. Johi-I feel your pain. Cody peed off of a picnic table at a church picnic. It was just precious!

  5. Personally, I do my best parenting when the children are sleeping... at someone else's house.... Man, do I *get* this post more than you realize!

  6. You are not alone, things can unravel that fast here! I soooo get it!

    BTW, my sister's son dropped his pants "behind a tree" in her town's city park. Problem is, "behind a tree" actually had his butt facing Main street. Bawhahahaha!

  7. I have had sooooo many mornings like that. Amazing how fast it can all go to hell!

  8. I had one of THESE mornings today, without the kid peeing in public part, but still, I feel ya. =)