Friday, March 18, 2011

If you want to be my friend then show me your scars, sister.

Disclaimer- I am still in pain and probably (okay certainly) feeling a bit stabby. Intolerance is at a high.

Sooooo, we have all been around those women who live for competition, right? I'm not talking about Foosball/Pictionary/Taboo/Poker type competition (because I love you people). No, I am referring to the women who compete "at life".

Example of an "at life" competitor: Here is my fabulous house designed by the top architect in our area. We added the elevator because my baby hasn't learned to walk yet, but he loves to push buttons. Our eldest child is top in her class at the private Preschool which we enrolled her in while she was still in the womb. The staff there said that they have never met a brighter child in all their years of teaching. My husband and I own five Internationally known companies and I have my Doctorate in the most inspiring thing you can imagine. I used to model but after having children I really wanted to spend more time volunteering and instructing my nanny on how to raise my kids. My husband stays in great shape playing rugby and rowing, and every year we split time between our beach home in Florida and our cabin in Aspen. Blah blah fucking blah.

Oh darling, just leave that for the maid.

Oh honey, I am the maid at my house. Just look at the treasures
that my husband leaves for me on the counters.
You know, because to put them in the trash can he would
have had to turn around and step on the pedal.

Example of a conversation with me: Don't mind the neighbor, he eventually puts a shirt on when he gets chilly. Oh you like the house? Thanks. Some day we'll actually finish it. No, I haven't signed my child up for any extra-curricular activities because I need that $40 a month to support my boxed wine habit. My husband just lost his business after 16 years and I stay at home with both kids. Nanny? Blahahahahahahaha. No. I went to school for Art then worked 10 years in retail~ I feel that is a perfect example of my stellar planning for the future. *eyes glazing over as I think about last night's episode of The Biggest Loser* Vacation? Hmm? No we don't do crazy stuff like that. Gee, this has been fun, but I need to go remove this hair that sprouted out of my chin while you were talking to me.

Let me tell you something. I have no desire to be around people who compete at life.  I don't need judgement when I slip into my small town vernacular and tell my kids to go "wash up", and I don't need to hear about how effing perfect your life is. Why? Not because I am jealous (okay, if you have a nanny I'm a little jealous). Because I don't believe you. No one has a perfect life. NO ONE. We all get (intensely) irritated by our spouses. We all have moments where we consider selling our children.  We all wonder about their intelligence when they spend a week pretending to be a dog, picking their nose or talking about poop. We all get broccoli stuck in our teeth. WE ALL FART. So, ladies, let's do each other a giant favor and stop the betrayal. If you are constantly selling how great your life is, you leave me to assume these sorts of things about you: your children barely know you, you read trashy novels concealed by National Geographic, you and your husband hardly touch (because he is probably screwing his secretary), your "friends" are shallow back stabbing bitches and you cry when you look at your postpartum, deformed body in the mirror. Be real with me ladies. We owe it to each other.

If I am giving you this look- shut the hell up.

Oh, and if anyone wonders why I avoid playdates, this is it. Plus I hate stuffing Thing 2 into the teeny teeny weeny backseat of my 12 year old pick-up truck. I'm too fucking tired to compete with anyone, or pretend that I care when they compete with me. A butler, you say? Congratulations. You win. Come on kids, wash up! We're going home.


  1. Love this post Johi... its hilarious, and so f'n true!!

  2. My poor, nannyless, inorganic-food eating kids are always going to be cuter than your kids! They'll also be happier as adults because I've taught them how to enjoy a poor person's relaxing day at the spa...otherwise known as a beer after the kids are asleep.

  3. "We added the elevator because my baby hasn't learned to walk yet, but loves to push buttons". Bwah! Awesome line.

    Good post, Johi. Sorry about your chin hairs. ;)

  4. Yay! A new blog to read! How did I miss this? Love your posts. Love your pictures. Love your writing style. Love that you probably call laundry "doing the wash" just like I do. It took Husband months to figure out what was becoming clean after a bout of "doing the wash." How can people be so dim?

  5. AMEN Johi! I love this post, and I can relate ... right down to the damn chin hairs. *sigh*

    I need to put my kids in some extracurricular, life-enriching activities. Instead, they watch too much TV and try to beat each other down with whatever they can get their hands on.

    Maybe I should just let the nanny take them to said activities. Oh wait ... no nanny. Damn.

  6. I'm glad you all can relate (chin hairs and all...) I read this to Brock and he thought that I was being a bit gritchy (grumpy and bitchy combined), I told him that he was correct. I'm totally gritchy about these kinds of people. :)

  7. Yes, Yes and Yes!

    This was the type I was trying to avoid a few years back when I was desperately seeking REAL friends and calling it 'Book Club'! ;)

  8. thanks ladies! And Allie- thanks for being a new reader! I love making new friends! *happy dance*

  9. I'm finally catching up and I have to tell you, I love you! I wish we were neighbors so we could drink box wine on the porch and watch our kids roll around in dirt and chase one another around the yard. I could cook while you decorate...or not-we could just drink wine and let the kids eat dirt.

    A few years ago, Alli & I had a stay-cation. We pulled her horse trailer over near the pond, rolled out the awning, turned on the radio and laid out in cut-offs and tube tops while drinking beer out of an ice filled radio flyer. Our kids pitched a tent and alternated between fishing in the pond and hitting golf balls into the pasture. We had the best long weekend of our lives. I purposefully do not have many "girlfriends" (beyond my sisters) because, at this stage in my life, I don't have the energy or desire to put up with female superiority complexes and judgment.

    Amen Johi!

  10. @Aubrey- That sounds wonderful. I'm in. Let me know if a house in your neighborhood pops up. We may be looking for a change of scenery! I have a list of girlfriends that I wish lived next door so that we could do just that...

    That stay-cation sounds DIVINE. I used to go "horse camping" every year in The Black Hills and it was pretty much just like yours. Awesome.

  11. So glad I found your blog!! Hilarious!! Love, love, love this post!!
    Can't wait to

  12. @Crystal- Yay! I hope I don't disappoint you.... Oh God! THE PRESSURE!!!!


    YES YES AND MO YES SISTUR GURL! xoxo bowing. you're my queen for the day.