Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Then we tormented our family pets with baths and brushing. Muahahaha.

I used to be a great dog groomer. Okay, not great... but sufficient. Since I birthed a couple of carpet monkeys, my energy to bathe our animals has depleted~ like the Ozone... or Tab soda.

There are situations that actually require me to take action, like rancid smells and putrid odors and more putrid odors.  Because of the powerful, pungent, paralyzing waft emanating from the Black Dog, we broke down and tended to our pathetic junk yard mutts.

Unfortunately the Red Dog was looking sadly unloved with ear mattes and overgrown butt fluff, so she was brushed and now has a haircut that looks like it was done by a blind Hibachi chef.  After her shrieking like a hyena during the entire brushing torture, I called my husband to come over and hold her so that I could trim her feathers and the mattes from her ears.  Our little drama queen proceeded to give in to our horrible haircut persecution by throwing herself on the ground like a dead fly and alternately crying and moaning loud enough for the entire block to hear.  I'm surprised the Humane Society didn't show up with handcuffs and chloroform masks. 

The Black Dog officially smelled like ripe roadkill on all points of her body.  Even though she works very hard on this process, the fact that she has also decided that she is a teacup poodle instead of a 56 pound lab mix, therefore attempting to climb onto your lap or the lap of any visitor, makes frequent bathing a requirement.  This is where my husband comes in:

Me, "Brock.  Brock.  Brock?  BROCK! "

Him, "Huh?"

Me, "Your dog smells like open ass.  Still.  Will you give her a bath?"

Him, "Sure."

Me, "When?"

Him, "I will in a minute."

Me, "Could you do it now?  I asked you two weeks ago and you said you would then."

Him, "Sure.  I'm going to watch the rest of this show first."

Me, "Fine.  I'm going to do it now."

Him (imagining the chiropractor bill from me leaning over the tub for 15 minutes) *gets up* "I'm doing it."

15 minutes later the Black Dog is fresh and clean.  30 minutes later she smells like cat poop.  Snuggle, anyone?

The best part of the grooming process for our dogs is the adornment of clean bandannas.  Everyone knows the importance of doggie accessories. Besides, they love their bandannas.  So much so, that the Red Dog once lost her bandanna in a creek after a stick was thrown into the water for her.  Red Dog LOVES to fetch.  She LIVES to fetch.  She looked at the stick, then her bandanna. She swam past the stick over to her bandanna, grabbed it with her teeth and delivered to my mom, who was standing on the bank waiting for her to retrieve the stick. Red Dog loves her bandannas.

Here are the dog with their matching Saint Patty's Day bandannas that Thing 1 and I found in the dollar bin a Target.  I'm renaming the dogs "Sassy Irish Lassie" and "Patty O'Furniture" for the month of March. 

The Black Dog has already trashed out her once clean hide and is frightened of the acid rain camera.
The Red Dog wants me to throw the ball.


  1. Our lab looks fine..but OMGoodness does he smell like a backed-up sewer!! So gross! He's huge...there is NO WAY I'm letting him in my tub. Because you know that hubby won't clean the tub when he's done!! I commend you for your efforts, though. I just let our dog stink. I'm a terrible pet owner!!

  2. Thank goodness for dogs that fit into the kitchen sink! Although Moxie yelps and growls like some kind of demon from hell when I try to brush him, and squirms like a greased pig - that part is really a miserable process.

    So happy to hear you had such a great birthday! Yay for the hubs for coming though: could you work on mine now? Aging does suck, but rest well knowing that along with Brock, Mr. B and I will always be older than you ;)