Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Seriously! Do as I SAY, not as I DO.

We "adults" are always telling our children to share.  Share your toys. Share a hug.  Share share share.  If I may be so bold, I think that we "adults" are ginormous fucking hypocrites.  We don't like to share our things.  In fact, when our neighbor comes over and asks to borrow a ________(hammer, snowblower, rake, sugar...) we get a little itchy.  Cranky.  Irritable.   Now imagine said neighbor picking their nose before grabbing the handle to your garden hoe, or licking your screwdriver like it was his favorite Popsicle.  How does that make you feel?  Skeeved out?  Angry?  Bitter?  Well, let's take a good look at what those other children are doing with your beloved offspring's treasures.  I'm guessing boogers and saliva aren't too far off the mark.

Yesterday I received the best Valentine's gift any mother could ask for; my husband magically arrived at that demonic hour in the day when it was physically painful to keep my eyes open and relieved me of my mom duties so that I could take a nap.  A glorious sun-bursting-through-the-clouds-over-the-majestic-mountains middle of the day slumber.  When I awoke (two hours later), I was greeted by my boys.  Husband was holding Thing 2 in one arm and a dozen roses in the other and Thing 1 was presenting me with a box of 19 delectable heavenly-yet-sinful Godiva Chocolates.  As soon as I peeled back the plastic wrap, Thing 1's little hand darted in and stole a sweet.  Little shit stinker.  Good thing it was my least favorite- the white chocolate.  Let's all stop pretending it's chocolate and call it what it is~ frosting.  I smiled and hid the box behind my back.  Then he asked 457 times for another, to which I replied sweetly "No way in hell."  Okay, I didn't SAY that to the three year old, but I was thinking it.  Those Godiva Chocolates were mine.  I wanted one of those trucker mudflaps with Yosemite Sam that says "Back Off!" to pull down over my face. 

Later in the evening, during the bedtime rush, my husband and I realized that we were missing our bedtime victim (because everyone knows that a bath, clean pj's, snugly blankets and two books read aloud is sheer torture).  I wandered into my bedroom where I found Thing 1 bouncing on our bed with yet another of my rare and precious Godiva Chocolates dripping from his mouth.  I considered whacking him on the back of the head to launch the chocolate into my awaiting hand, but I'm not big on other people's mouth juice so I let him eat it in peace.  Meanwhile I snatched my golden box of dwindling treasures and maniacally ran around the house trying to locate a suitable hiding spot.  I picked a sufficient one and all is right with the world again.

So what did I learn from this?  Sharing sucks!  I am going to start teaching my children how to properly hoard their things from this day forward, using techniques like distraction, crazy eyes and martial arts.

Daily tip: Remind husband to buy child crappy M&M's so as to distract them from the "good stuff" next Valentine's Day.


  1. I am SO right there with you!! I actually told my boys that my box of V-Day candy was all gone when it was, in fact, stashed in the remotest recesses of the topmost kitchen cabinets. Share? CHOCOLATE? ... I don't think so. :)

  2. I hoard dark chocolate! I can buy a bag of Dove and eat one a day ... notsomuch the men in my life - even dark chocolate which often others aren't so fond of. So I hide them. I feel no guilt! :)

  3. hahahahaha!!! Sharing does suck!!! I don't share my stuff at all because...well they wreck it. And I had my Dove dark chocolate from all the them!! I'm a blazing hypocrite. Hoarding is way better than sharing!!

  4. This year the girls got chocolate, and I got flowers. Which is fine, because I'm trying to watch my calories and anyway I know that there are bars of 70% Cacao in the upper cupboard and nobody else has a clue.

  5. It's so good to know that I am in the company of fellow chocolate hoarders! lol!