Saturday, February 26, 2011

Reason #458 supporting why I'm unstable.

I have many wonderful, fabulous, diverse, beautiful female friends. Seriously, I have hot friends. (Just ask my husband- the creepy butthole.) They range in height from 4'10" to over six feet tall.  A handful of them are my height.  Honestly, these are the only ones that don't make me feel like a circus freak. When I am walking with a petite friend, I feel like some sort of Amazon Woman or Andre the Giant, complete with a massive head and clown feet.  When I am walking next to one of those glorious six footers, I feel short and frumpy or like that little dog that jumped around "Spike" on Looney Toons.  Why can I not ever feel like I'm adorable and petite... or supermodelish tall and glamorous?  Clearly, because I am a girl am unstable probably need medication  am ridiculous.

I've always said that I am 5'7".  I've never actually been 5'7" in bare feet, more like 5 foot 6 and 3/4 inches,  but before having children I was usually wearing shoes (you know, because I left the house on occasion).  My shoe of choice is cowboy boots, because they feel good, look good and make that awesome clicky noise when you walk. My kick ass boots typically sport a 1 1/2" heel.  So technically I was 5 foot 8 and 1/4 inches (if I am doing my math right) in my boots.  That seemed suitable to me; short enough to find men to date who were taller than me (yes, I am that shallow) and tall enough to buy clothes off the rack, block a few shots in my lustrous high school basketball career and reach the good liquor stuff on the top shelf.

My girlfriend came for a visit last September, which was sadly also the last time a professional cut my hair, and we did all kinds of fun girl things.  We talked about our feelings, we painted our nails, we told our children to eat what was on their plate, she watched me drink wine, we attempted to go shopping with a 4 month old Thing 2 (fail) and we measured how tall we were, obviously.

When we measured each others height, I measured 5 foot 6 and 1/4 iches.  WTF?  I am half an inch shorter?  WTF?  When did that happen?  I figure it was from all the hard farm labor I did as a child (thanks again Mom and Dad), or maybe bearing two babies (thanks husband), or maybe sitting for too long slumped at my computer searching for things to amuse me and/or distract me from the fact that my house is a mess and my children are drawing on the walls again and the Black Dog rolled in ______ and is smearing it on my living room rug and the Red Dog is outside chasing a car and the cat is still allergic to some unknown source and looks like I started shaving him but got distracted when the phone rang, then never finished the job.  Or maybe I am just getting....gulp...OLD.

For whatever reason, it blows.  I've always been comfortable with my lie about my height because it was only 1/4 of an inch. But now that I know it is 3/4 of an inch, I feel dirty and immoral.  Okay, not really, but being overly dramatic looks like so much fun on TV that I thought I should try it.  So now that I know this, do I have to change my drivers license to my actual height (and weight), or can I continue to present myself as something that I am not?  I feel like honesty is always the best policy... right? Never mind that my picture was taken when I was 27, with a great tan and virtually no wrinkles, and I intend to keep this picture as long as possible.  Just because I don't look like this now doesn't mean that I won't look good again someday- right?  Shhh.  Don't answer that.

Sadly, this is one of the best pictures ever taken of me.
I am actually laughing here... at the DMV... I know. ??
I wasn't even drinking.
The lady taking the pictures was holding a bird and said,
"Look at the birdie!  Or the crazy lady!"
 In other news, it snowed yesterday.

Oh hai!  Is there something on my nose?


  1. I honestly have no idea what my actual height is, but I've been saying 5'7" for so long that I'll probably just stick with it. I too feel like a lumbering monster around my petite friends, why is that? Wonder how they feel about us? I went to lunch today with before mentioned petite gals: I was on the booth side of the table which was also several inches higher than the chair side. Talk about awkward. I almost suggested we switch sides so I didn't have to feel like I was leering over her the whole meal.

    In addition to my questionable height, my driver's license states that I'm 130 lbs... Which totally works for me, even if it's a complete fantasy at this point in my life, LOL!

  2. I think my mistake was checking the facts. Don't do it.
    Reason #234 why you and I should hang out more than once every 10? years. We are *roughly* the same height and I know we wear the same shoe size, although I no longer own the green plastic shoes. So sad.

  3. Thank God I don't own a scale and the Doctor weighs in kilograms (which I have no clue how to convert and would probably some math and a calculator anyway)!
    I am working on moving closer! Unfortunately I did finally manage to get out, and then somehow ended up going back to Iowa City. Ugh! How did that happen? I feel like I've regressed.
    Wearing the same shoe size is such a friendship benefit isn't it!?!? Sad about the green shoes though... Hopefully some good replacements have worked their way into your wardrobe though.

  4. You're so funny!!! My dream height was always 5'8...but I never reached it. I think I'm 5'6 on a good day. But, unfortunately, shrinking too...and not in the direction I would like to be shrinking! As long as you still flaunt what you've got, you're still a hot mama...whatever your least that's what I tell myself! Hope you had a great weekend...sorry I've been so AWOL lately...germs, germs, and more germs have ravaged my little family!!

  5. It is a proven fact that you do get shorter as you age. It is also a known fact that your feet and hands continue to grow. I just woke up one morning and couldn't fit into a single one of my size 7 1/2 shoes. The good thing: I had to replace every single shoe! The bad thing: Some day we will all end up 3 foot nothing wearing a size 12 shoe.

  6. sweetjesus, thank you for finally linking to your blog. i was considering emailing you to ask if you blogged, but do i really need you to know that i'm a stalker. me thinks not.

    i lie all the time and say i'm 5'3. which is a full inch taller than i really am. or maybe it's a full inch and a quarter. don't ask me. i'll say 5'3 and then we'll have to have that awkward moment where i'm lying and you know i'm lying. it's not good for a blossoming friendship.

  7. Ok, so I just stumbled across your blog via The Pioneer Woman and OMG!!! I am in love. Not necessarily with you because that would be...well... a bit weird... to say the least! but with what you have written, I have had a terrible nights sleep and have been sitting here pretending I am doing something very important for about two hours now and yours is the first blog that has actually made me laugh out loud! I refuse to use the acronym when it is true!!! lol - whoops, there it goes...
    Anyway, thank you for a great laugh.

  8. @prepared- I think your ears and nose continue to grow as well. I guess it is a good thing that our lives are capped off around 90.

    @Elizabeth- I am glad you found me too! I had to curse excessively at your comment box before it submitted to my demands. I feel like we were separated at birth... except that I am freakishly tall (around you)... and that whole German heritage I have going on.

    @beingbree- Yay! You can love me. We all need love. If I make you ROFLYAO, now THAT would be something! Off to check out your milk and cookies. That sounds naughty.