Saturday, February 5, 2011

Read this post and you will achieve enlightenment.

Unlike the ridiculous, often infuriating dribble that we read on fortune cookies and Dove Chocolate wrappers, I feel that the tea industry is light years ahead of those fools, with their relevant and thought provoking messages.

I was drinking some Yogi Ginger tea the other day and I read my tea bag. 
It said, "Don't sleep counting sheep, count blessings then sleep." 
Sage advice. I seriously do find it easier to shut the ADD off when I say a little prayer of gratitude before bed.  Thank you God, for making boxed wine....

Here are a few other gems of wisdom from some tea in my cupboard:

"It is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards."~ Baltasar Gracian
What really struck me with this one was how much the name "Baltasar" makes me think of "Battlestar", which is so completely awesome. I totally want a pony, or a goat, named Battlestar.  Too bad I fear chickens, because a chicken named Battlestar would be out of this universe.

"We turn, not older with years, but newer every day." ~Emily Dickenson
That's nice. It is obvious that she never had children.

"Have wisdom in your actions and faith in your merits"
Huh? I once won a horse packing competition.  Does that count?

A few days went by and I pulled out a box of Celestial Seasonings Echinacea Complete Care.  On the box was a story called The Art of Giving by Kent Newborn.  Letters to My Son

"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others.  We are all children of chance, and none can say why some fields will blossom and others lay brown beneath the August sun.  Care for those around you.  Look past your differences.  Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more easily made.  And give.  Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess.  To give is to love.  To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than how it is shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace."

Isn't that lovely?

Because I am a student by nature, and I always listen, absorb and go forth to spread my new found knowledge; I feel this message on the tea box (that happened to give me hives all over my arms) is telling me to "give" you (or re-post) my former piece of serious literature about how I was severely offended by an "inspirational message" on a Dove Dark Chocolate. We won't talk about the fact that we have been contemplating selling our house and I unsheathed a chocolate whose wrapper read "You are exactly where you are supposed to be."  I then stuck it on the refrigerator as guidance for our future.  Decisions are HARD, yo.  I like it when someone tells me what to do.  Wait, no I don't....

And remember.... First enlightenment, then the laundry.

Peace, Love and Unicorns. 

FU Dove "Inspirational" Messages

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

So there I am, standing in my kitchen contributing to my family's' sugar intake by mixing up banana bread. I open the pantry to get my BIG mixing bowl (I am making a double batch- duh) and find an errant Dove Dark Chocolate with Almonds laying in the bowl. It is clearly lost and needed a home so I quickly unwrapped in and popped it into my mouth.
As I was revelling in the creamy, chocolaty, nutty goodness I read the inspirational message inside the wrapper. "Live like you are wearing your skinny jeans". WTF? Are the Dove marketing people SERIOUS? If I was wearing my skinny jeans I wouldn't be eating a fucking chocolate! The only people that live like they are wearing their skinny jeans are the people ACTUALLY wearing their skinny jeans. Let us take a quick look at who it is that eats Dove chocolate; PMSing women (most likely NOT wearing anything skinny), Someone cheating on a diet (just reminding them of skinny britches is likely to piss them off), Pregnant women (at least a year away from fitting into anything described as skinny), and someone not exercising at the moment (let's face it, sweaty people don't want chocolate). All of the reasons above make this little statement way beyond a bad idea. I can see why this chocolate was all alone. All the other chocolates thought it was a social misfit and kicked it's ass out of the bag.

What is a girl to do at this point? I mean, I have just been degraded by a chocolate. Clearly I have only one option. So as I am unwrapping the second chocolate , I am willing the message to be truly inspirational. "Never let others' opinions change the way you feel about yourself". Seriously- why don't you just say "People think you are gross but you should try and look past that". Something has to change here. I propose truly inspirational messages such as: "You are an undiscovered supermodel", "The only reason that bitch hates you is because her boyfriend was checking out your ass- which is FINE", "Your ex that cheated on you got herpes from that slut", "You are a fucking genius ", "The company that fired you went bankrupt", and "You are a sexual dynamo and the subject of many fantasies". Seriously- that wasn't even hard.

I hope that no one else falls prey to Dove's passive aggressive messages, but if you do, just remember "fear no one but the bitch who doesn't eat chocolate, because she is probably in a really foul mood".


  1. OMG! I have an intense dislike for those stupid, sappy little Dove messages too!! It literally makes me annoyed to even read them, so I don't. I actually wrote a whole post about that exact thing on my now-defunct MySpace blog sometime like two years ago ... I might dust it off and repost it on the Frump. If I do I'll link to this one so everyone can see that my hatred for those stupid messages is not so irrational!

  2. bwhahaha! You crack me up!! Everytime I eat one of those I roll my eyes in exasperated disgust. Seriously? Like that contrite little tid-bit is going to change my view on life...or my day, for that matter!! Love ya girl- have a great super bowl weekend!!