Friday, February 4, 2011

My brain is like my dog's poop in the neighbors snowblower (also known as the "poo fountain", and "why I am a bad neighbor")

In light of the fact that I have virtually no sense of humor, am in full-on winter-hatred-pathetic-mopey mode, and have possibly the whiniest post on the entire Internet stewing in draft form on this blogs post box, I was moved to tears by this email sent by my awesome friend and author of Jesus Would Want You to Save the Chickens.  It was in response to my last goal post (and maybe because she knows that I am slumped over in my bathrobe, mindlessly browsing the Internet while avoiding housework and feeling grumpy because I can't go outside and dig in the dirt or play with my horse -who is in Iowa- or that I am worn out by the all-day-long-every-fucking-day shrieking fest that Thing 2 is drilling my eardrums out with or.... you get the picture).  

I have to say that I have THE GREATEST friends on the ENTIRE PLANET.  Like the one who got drunk on PBR while rescuing chickens, and wrote today's post... and the title to today's post..... And the rest of you, well~ you guys know who you are.  You're the only ones who can make me laugh when all I want to do is go back to bed.  You are the ones who make me mashed potatoes when I am hung over.  You are the ones who invite me to dinner and entertain my children, so that I can just "be still" with my glass of wine.  You are the ones who put me on speaker and quietly do the dishes while I psychoanalyze my life and question the world.  You are the ones who make me laugh so hard that I chip my front tooth on a beer bottle (and then laugh at me for breaking my tooth). You are the ones with whom I have all of my very favorite memories. You are the ones who make me feel worthwhile on those days that I feel like a failure (and just want to go back to bed).  And to answer your question, you smokejumping hottie, the pillows are for you to rest your pretty red head on when we are watching a Top Model Marathon (and to pull the color of the drapes into the room....).  I love you. 

xxoo, Johi

Yes, I DO know Johi. . .

I got to work this morning bright and early, and immediately spent 20 minutes taking a shit in the only bathroom you can lock that nobody knows about and looks like it might double as a bomb shelter or gas chamber. Next I chewed on my hair and dug around in my desk looking for a toothbrush because I forgot to brush my teeth this morning. Then I thought about how if they had a shower and a box of wine here I would just sleep under my desk and it would save me lots of time and gas money. THEN I read Johi’s blog entry and realized that reminding Johi why she is fabulous is WAY higher on the universal karmic priority list than any kind of "real" work I have to do-and I never called her back last night so I figured I'd better suck up a little bit.

Long ago when I was a wee college girl and needed money for beer and scented candles; I got a summer job working at a trail barn in Estes Park, CO. During the first week when it came time to choose days off I was informed that the owner’s daughter (whom I had yet to meet) wanted to hang out with me and therefore my day off would be Wednesday- which was also her day off. Although some people would find this move bossy, I couldn’t wait casually mention to everyone else that I worked with that I was apparently IN with the owner’s daughter. And because Johi ALWAYS knows what she wants, and greatness can ALWAYS smell its own, she was right and we have been friends ever since.

Now at this point in my life I felt that I was “special” and “going somewhere” at that I had people lining up to bask in my unique yet totally unpretentious glow. 15 years later, I have found that a most of the people in my life can be divided into two groups: 1. People that liked to party and knew that after 2 drinks I would pick up the tab, 2. Guys that hoped to get into my pants (soooo, your sayin there’s a chance?!). Now that I am married and my liver is too tired for anything except box of wine and television, I have found that the line to bask in my glow is much shorter that it used to be. Point being that the stragglers that have hung on are real people who genuinely care about others. . . and aren’t scared of profanity and friendly competition. . . and are also really good looking because I don’t like to be friends with unattractive people. Anyway, Johi is one of those people, and for always being there for her friends- I want to remind her that I proudly say: YES! I DO know Johi! With the same feelings of superiority that I had way back in the day when I was hand-picked to bask in HER glory! And these are just the top few reasons why:

1. Before I met Johi I never knew that Pictionary could be an aggressive sport

2. Throughout the 90’s, Johi’s catch and release boyfriend training program touched so many lives with the gift of men that were taught by her what a woman wants.

3. She is the only woman I know that likes to shop for shoes, loves to put little pillows on beds and couches, but would still be a good choice to get your back in a bar fight.

4. She has a GIANT Christmas village and she lets me play with it even when I am drunk on eggnog. Need I say more?

5. She will tell you when you look great and you know that she means it because she will also tell you when “maybe you should try on this shirt and skirt of mine and see if you like that?”

6. I like her kids and her dogs and I don’t like ANYONE else’s kids and sometimes not even my OWN dogs.

7. I am a smokejumper and I CANNOT keep up with her walking- yet another thing I had not realized could be a competitive sport

8. Her house smells like an organic food store and she gives off this vibe of freshness- she would deny it but seriously it’s like she just got off of a fucking a boat after going across the lake to fill her basket with vegetables and milk from the local farmer. Which actually annoys me but probably because I am jealous and usually hung over.

9. If you are her friend or family and you need help (even if you don’t realize it) she will be there for you ALWAYS. Even if it means driving you home when you are drunk and screaming in her ear or letting you live in her spare room.

10. She could be a professional personal shopper. She will continue to help you pick out stylish clothes even after you throw a public tantrum because shopping is hard.

11. Groups of her friends are often compelled to do things like wear strange hats when dropping her off at a train station on Christmas- I am not saying she asks for it, it just happens.

12. She has given a real firefighter a pat-down while dressed like a hot cop on Halloween. Recently.

13. Her child is willing to help my husband shovel snow while I am too busy working on her box of wine.

14. She is so witty that when you bring over the asshole that you are dating she will make sure that everyone else will laugh openly at his expense but he will leave saying “I am not sure if Johi likes me”. This also works with obnoxious family members.

15. I went to her house one day and she was busy lighting her fence line on fire to kill the weeds.

16. She says fuck while wearing an apron and baking cookies.

17. She IS the real-deal

Love you girl! I am not a mom. All the mom’s I know are beautiful, patient, and talented mothers that NEVER give themselves enough credit. They don’t get good performance evaluations or raises when they do a good job and they can’t go look for a new job if they get tired of theirs. They never get a day off, and they work 24 hours a day with no sick leave or vacation. So here is your performance evaluation- be PROUD of yourself! I would give you a raise too (if I had any money). By the way Johi, what are all those little pillows FOR anyway?!


  1. Great post. I would like to be runner-up for your best friend. It sounds like the position is already filled, but I'm thinking there's a chance she'll die off from alcohol poisoning? Hee-hee.

  2. I'll send you an application. Make sure to include a photo and money when you return it. :)