So there I was, meeting my good friend's tattooed boyfriend for the first time. I was having an "off" day socially. It happens. A lot. Anyway, I fixed them some drinks and we sat down in my living room to chat. That is when I narrowed my eyes, pursed my lips, waved my finger around in the direction of his arms and said, "So.... what is up with all the tattoos? Where you angry in your youth?" This was practically the first words I uttered to him, other than "Hi. I'm Johi." I'm pretty sure he loved me.
So there I was, meeting my new friend's very intelligent father for the first time. I had just birthed Thing 2 and was feeling fat, frumpy, and exhausted. Smart dad was talking about au pairs as I was hovering in the doorway, trying to pretend like I could participate in adult conversation. I had said nothing the entire conversation but felt like I should pipe in and yell, "Ha! Au Pair! They are NANNIES!" Which I immediately knew sounded obnoxious. Everyone stopped talking and stared at me in silence. Then I looked at my feet, mumbled something about the baby needing me and slithered out of the room.
So there I was, 19 years old and out shopping for shoes. It was the early 90's and I was subscribing to the chunky shoe trend of the era. I decided, in my infinite wisdom and self hatred, that my legs looked like tree trunks and that ginormous shoes made them appear smaller. The sales girl, who had nice legs, was trying to sell me a pair of shoes that had normal sized soles. I then decided to share with her my new found trompe l'oeil trickery and was overzealous with my detailed description of how large shoes made your legs appear trimmer. Then, of course, I added "You should try it sometime."
So there I was, in my 20's, with an actual attractive guy hitting on me. Normally I attracted a different "quality" of fellow. Like toothless and drunk... or geezers. I seriously had a geriatric "gentleman" pull his Cadillac onto the sidewalk in front of me to get my attention. It had horns strapped on the front of it. I sprinted away as fast as a girl wearing cowboy boots could. So this actual cute guy was asking me if I was available and I got all nervous and answered, "I'm between boyfriends right now." WTF? I was not surprised when our conversation ended there.
So there I was, dropping the f-bomb in front of my mom. Classy.
So there I was, showing off the tiny sized jeans that I had squeezed myself into and my friend (the glass licking one) said, "Congratulations. The vomiting is really paying off". That wasn't me, but it was hilarious so I wanted to share it with you.
On that note... So there I was, 8 1/2 months pregnant and roughly the size of a barge, watching my sister try on wedding dresses. One particularly beautiful one was a tiny bit tight so I crammed a cookie into my mouth and said, at volume 11, "Don't worry. If you start vomiting now, it will definitely fit you by March." Every head snapped around to gawk at the sight of the gargantuan pregnant woman yelling out that splendid statement.
I asked my husband if he could remember me saying anything horribly inappropriate in public and he said, "..hmmm. Well that is the problem, we really don't go out in public." I say this fact is clearly not a problem at all, but is actually a blessing to society.
So there I was, living my life, and almost every day I hear the sound of my own voice slip through my lips carrying a message that is rude, awful or completely ignorant. So what do I do? I blog! So then this crap is encapsulated in cyberspace and there to haunt me until the end of time..... Brilliant! My best idea yet.
|Awesome job Mom. |
Good thing I procreated!