Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Shit that I learned wrong.

I like to imagine that I was a very precocious child. 

Having spent a great deal of my childhood around adults, I was constantly absorbing their important material regarding "how to become an adult".  Through some kind of miracle, I did actually learn a few correct nuggets of data.  However, somehow along the way, I also acquired other morsels of information that were glaringly wrong.  Imagine my shock when I discovered that my research in my quest for the truth had some major holes in it. These are some of the things that I thought I learned:

 1. When women have babies, they have to cut all their hair off of their head.
???  I don't know where this came from- "soccer mom" haircuts and the mothers of my schoolmates sporting short styled bouffants and double knit polyester pants that declared "Look at my cellulite!", perhaps?

2. There are 3 types of females; girls, ladies and womenWomen were dirty whores.  I was supposed to shoot for the title of "lady".  To date, the only person that has called me a "lady" is Thing 1.  He is three and also thinks his toys come to life at night when he sleeps.

3. Your toys come to life at night while you sleep. (this has nothing to do with becoming an adult, I just truly believed this)

4. When you grow up, you will automatically have money, a house and the knowledge of the wise old owl.

5. When you grow up, you will have boobs.

6. Cowboy boots go with everything, including pink lacy dresses. 

7. You are supposed to get married at 24, have babies by 26 and a great career by 30.  Crap.

8. Family always helps raise your children.

9. When girls blossom into "ladies", they are supposed to look like the Solid Gold Dancers.

Photo from the unofficial Solid Gold Dance Connection

10. "Little House on the Prairie" was the epitome of timeless fashion.

11. "Why Johi, you are such a talented artist!"

12. C.W. McCall made some of the best 8 tracks on the planet.  (I don't know, this really may be true)

13. It is nice to have pets in the house.

14. When you grow up, you will be able to look great in your swimsuit (with your boobs and your tan).

15. Staying at home to raise your children earns you status and respect.  Baha!

I would love to hear from my readers.  What did you believe as a child about becoming an adult that was fantasy?


  1. a) That I would be able to be whatever I wanted when I grew up. (In reality, some jobs require more talent or inspiration than I possess. And astronauts require 20/20 vision.)

    b) That I would enjoy going to work every day because I love my job. (I basically like my job, but some days it interferes with my life too much.)

    c) That I would basically understand how the world works and what I'm supposed to do with my life.

  2. Francesca~ I was actually going to type in your "a" response, except I didn't want to be an astronaut. :)

  3. bwhahaha! That's a great list!! When do the boobs come??? You nailed a bunch of those. Great post!!

  4. I remember my mom telling me once that she didn't have the money for something I wanted. I told her to just use a check.

  5. 1)one day I would indeed find the money tree!!!

    2)we would all be driving hovercrafts and zipping around the cities in metallic clothing. You on Back To The Future

    3)having little kids was easy. That's why all the adults I was around just sat in lawn chairs smoking cigarettes and drinking Ol' Milwaukee out of a can while I was digging through a red ant's living quarters with a spoon from my Mom's kitchen :)

    4)I would magically know how to do my own hair?!

    5)All dogs would be like Lassie. No leash required, or training. BLAH HAHAHA