Sunday, January 2, 2011

How to bathe your cat.

1. Don't do it.

2. If you really must, do it very very quickly.

3. Have your First Aid Kit Ready.

4. If you have a coat of armor handy, wear it.

5. At the very least, wear long sleeves, heavy gloves and a hockey mask.

I washed Smelly Cat today. It was the fastest bath in the history of all cat bathing.  The whole deal lasted about 47 seconds. Somehow we both escaped with our hair intact (what is left of it) and without bloodshed.  It was a miracle.  The Miracle of 2011!

This is the cat who kills animals larger than himself.

This is the cat who, when I took him to be vaccinated, I heard him moaning and yowling, then a person scream "He bit me!". 

This is the cat who, upon scheduling his second round of vaccinations with my horse vet who came to the house, escaped my grip FIVE times.  I was laying on top of him.  I have held down calves for branding.... just saying....

But I had to do it.....

I walked through my kitchen earlier today and was overwhelmed with the scent of poo.  Cat poo, to be specific.  One of the worst smelling poos of all, in my opinion.  I looked to my right and greeted the source of the stench.  He looked at me, stretched and said "MERWOW!".  He was on the kitchen counter.  Not only did I realize that the poo odor that was emanating from his mangy body was quite strong,  I also realized how I needed to now sterilize the counters, where he had his pooey butt parked.  Good thing I don't do weird things- like prepare food- in my kitchen.

My husband had run an errand with Thing 1, and Thing 2 was napping.  So I decided to act quickly, before I had time to talk myself out of it.  I scruffed Smelly Cat and hauled his stank arse to the bathroom, where he immediately felt DANGER approaching.  Maybe it was the fact that I picked him up (I don't pick up my cats- I let them come to me for affection), or maybe it was that upon entering the bathroom I quickly slammed the door, or maybe it was my crazy eyes.  I don't know....  Anyway, he sensed that he needed to plan his escape.  I ran the water until it was a lovely temperature and got a better hold on his scruff.  As I lifted him over the side of the tub he reached out with one extra long kitty toenail and nabbed hold of the shower curtain.  He maniacally climbed to the tip top of the curtain in a split second and then leaped to "safety" on the floor, where I grabbed him again. Haha! I quickly (like a cat myself) set him ever so gently into the tub.  The second time he was only wily enough to grab a towel, which did nothing to aid his escape.  Haha again!  I sprayed his stinky body with the water, scrubbed in some baby soap and rinsed him off with such speed he didn't even have time to react!  Before he even recognized that he was wet I was drying him with my husband's towel and kicking him out of the bathroom.  He now hates me.

He spent the rest of the day plotting my death and sleeping.

I tried some bonding, but he wouldn't even look at me.

Then he jumped to the floor and stalked away. 
Do you see what he does to my furniture???

My husband captured him and returned him to me.
I seriously thought that the cat was going to bite me.
He wanted to- I could feel it.

The end. 

Oh, but the day didn't end without bloodshed.  My husband is driving himself home from the ER as I type this.  Apparently we like to drive ourselves to and from the ER in this house, as I told you all about in this post. He's fine though.  I told him to pull over if he felt woozy.  It was only five stitches....  I would tell you about it, but every time he tried to tell me I would interrupt and say "OKAAAAAAY! THAT SOUNDS AWFUL!".  I don't want the details- or to see it.  I can't even watch Grey's Anatomy any more. 

Somehow, this activity today produced no injuries.

Use caution when operating power tools.

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